Tuesday 29 January 2013

Domestic violence

Do you find it hard to understand why women don't leave the men that abuse them? Or why men stay with women who routinely put them down? Have you found it hard to understand why you stayed with someone who was bad for you?

Leslie Steiner gives a very clear talk about her own experiences of domestic abuse, explaining how she found herself in such a relationship and why it was so hard to leave.

Considering the high levels of silence from people in such relationships, I feel passionate about sharing her story so that others voices may come out of the silence.

You can watch her talk here.



Postscript

I was once in a relationship like this. Thankfully it was in the early stages and so I was never hit, except with words. I thought he needed me and he regularly threatened to kill himself if I left him. I was only a teenager when we met. I remember feeling confused about why he was as he was and I felt sorry for him. I thought he was damaged from the abuse his father meted out to him as a child and that I was the only person who could help him or save him. He screwed with my mind and distorted my perception of reality.

Now, I am grateful for the experience, because it means I have the capacity to understand people in similar situations. I hope that others can also understand through stories like Leslie's, if we share her story, rather than having to experience it for themselves.

Friday 25 January 2013

Tea set

It's small things that make me smile - an unexpected text from a friend, someone calling my name in town (generally someone who knows me!), spending time with those I consider to be good people, someone smiling at me, an unexpected package through the door and drinking tea from a nice tea set (among many, many other things).

It's the latter that is currently making me smile and was a lovely birthday present from a lovely friend. What is making me smile even more, is that I have just discovered that it's a two-cup pot - I can share the joy!


Wednesday 23 January 2013

House music on piano

I hope this works. Love this music video so much that I had to share it with others. No idea where it comes from. If you're over 40 you might not enjoy it so much, but it reminds me of some good times in my 20s!

Peace and love to all!

Monday 21 January 2013

All day meditation

I did an all day meditation on Saturday - a White Tantra day. Having already experienced it once - about three years ago - and knowing it created a shift in my perception that allowed me to make necessary changes to the structure of my life, I felt a need to do it again. Even though it was an early start, I knew it would be worth it.

It was less intense physically than last time, but more curious an experience. One of the 'sets' was 31 minutes long and required constant up and down movement of our arms. We had to chant a mantra while we did this, to help us get through it. It's really odd, but I heard those sitting next to me saying 'quite hard' instead of the mantra. Half way through, this changed to 'higher, lower' (as my arms moved up and down), 'power', 'fight' and 'hope'. I checked (by peeking at the time and by asking them at the end) and they didn't deviate from the mantra at all. The power of the mind is amazing in how it can give you what you need - and in my case, at this time, it was encouragement.

The day afterwards I felt emotionally very volatile, but I was somewhat sleep deprived, having arisen at 6am (a whole two hours before a sensible waking time) and then completely failed to get an early night the following night. It may have been the meditation or it may have been the lack of sleep.

Since then I've been aware of something feeling different. I feel as if something has been rewired inside me. It's like there's a vast expanse of ocean inside me, cool, calm, beautiful. It's the same feeling, I guess, as I get when I'm sitting by the shore, listening to the waves crashing against the rocks - the same kind of peace. It's as if something has been expanded and stabilised inside me, though I'm not sure where. If I had to locate it, it would be somewhere in my core, perhaps near my solar plexus, with my body being like the most incredible tardis that ever existed.

As well as this feeling of space inside me - much needed and craved for space - my brain feels more peaceful. There is less chattering inside and so I feel as if I can see further. I can see further to the horizon, I can see more to the left and right. More makes sense to me. Less confuses me. Less of the trivial stuff seems to bother me.

I can't help wondering how I'd feel if I did this kind of meditation more regularly.


Wednesday 16 January 2013

Not really old!

My birthday it may be and another year older - and wiser - I may be, but these scribblings in my counselling room keep making me laugh!


Monday 14 January 2013

Smoosmic

I just came across something I wrote when I was visiting the Adriatic with my friend and her toddler daughter, Z, my sister and my mother. It was really nice for me to re-read it. For me, it was about Z's delight in life making me appreciate my own life more and also making me think about what I had with the man I have now just married - this was just a month after I met him.

It's quite long, so don't feel you need to read it all. It's also a bit navel-gazey, but I was a bit navel-gazey then, trying to work out what to do with my life and also the kind of man I wanted to be with.

September 2009

Definition: smoosmic (pronounced smooze-mick)
Word used by baby Z instead of music and invariably accompanied by a cheeky smile, a giggle and a wiggle of her bottom.

Time out in a timeless place. The breeze plays its smoosmic through the bright green needles of the pines. Their delicious scent plays an undertone to the melodies of the breeze, made all the sharper in their beauty by the headier scent of the curry plants. The smoosmic in my soul is brought on by the sunshine on this heavenly island and the timelessness of my being.

The smoosmic playing all around me and within me has been joined by a new melody. A melody I first noticed when I was sitting under the fig tree, among the scent of the rotting alcoholic fruit, among the buzzing wasps drinking greedily and soon drunkenly. A melody I first noticed when the golden lion with the ebony mane spoke to me from another world. A world I was in last week, but a world that seems so far away from where I am right now, as I type these words to you. A world that takes half a lifetime to get from and to get back to. A world that he is inhabiting and I am not. Despite us being in different worlds, we sing the same song, the smoosmic in our souls seems the same. He makes me laugh. All the fears and anxieties of a few weeks ago have disappeared totally. My heart is open to the smoosmic. My heart is open to laughter. My heart is open to feeling without analysis, without thought. My head – right now – is not ruling my heart. I wonder if this is difficult for you to believe. It is difficult for me to believe. Knowing the extent and detail of my thoughts, believing that I can open my heart without analysis, without thought, might seem impossible. And it is in the realest sense. Of course I think and I wonder when I am on my own, but when we speak, the smoosmic we create stops thought and I live in the present moment. Freedom is being in the present moment.

Today, everything I did was in this freedom, with the smoosmic in my soul. The huge butterfly, brown, red and white. The huge tame butterfly that landed on my hands, drank water from between my fingers. His feet sticky to help them grip. His tongue extended to drink deeply. The butterfly that kept returning and stayed with us, allowing us to feed him. According to my Mama he flew over from Africa, so no wonder he was thirsty. Clambering into the sea among the enormous waves, half going in once, half going in twice and finally going in a third time before I could bear to let the cold water wash over me. Finally, in the water, flying up and down on the waves, the water stroking my skin and filling my eyes and mouth with its saltiness. Feeling my body crash into the rocks as I try to get out of the water and feeling the sharp pain on my right shin. A reminder of the fragility of my life. A reminder I am not immortal, no matter how often I might think I am. The white feather stuck in my sarong. The white feather floating on the breeze. The white feather that somehow felt like a sign, but of what, I don’t know. Walking back along the coastal path, the sun hot on my face, my heart and my soul singing with the smoosmic. The golden lion with the ebony mane padding softly around the periphery of my mind, reminding me of all that is good, surrounding me with his golden light.

I can no longer remember what we spoke about walking back from swimming, but I remember laughing, the smoosmic lifting our hearts.

Sitting back at home after dinner. Sitting back at home with our mugs of tea. I am typing. My Mama’s voice drifts into my awareness. She is talking about her penchant for Farley’s Rusks, the boring bland biscuits we ate as babies. My friend has offered us Z’s baby biscuits. The tiny animal-shaped biscuits that are sweetened by apple juice. The tiny animal-shaped biscuits that we dip into our tea. My typing is interrupted again by the squawk of cat calls outside. I hear my Mama talking about the promiscuous cats that they are. I hear laughter. I hear my Mama talking about the full moon. The moon that has apparently now been full for four days. I hear them talking about how sweet and adorable Z is. I tell them that I created a monster by encouraging her to sweep ants out of the yard. I tell them of her delight at finding more ants and sweeping them away. I tell them that I started to feel guilty and tried to tell her to be gentle, not to kill them, just to sweep them out. I hear my Mama talking about the little flying ants she once found in her bed, above her bed. The ants that stopped her sleeping. She talks about the hearth crickets that made gentle, delicate cricket calls like they were chattering away to her. She talks about the glow worm she found last month. The beauty of its nighttime iridescence. The laughter of four women sitting in a room together with tea, eating a toddler’s biscuits. One reading. One typing. One falling asleep. One chatting. One chatting and occasionally obtaining a response from one of the other three. Smoosmic is being played.

Smoosmic is not just music. Smoosmic is something more. Smoosmic is something that lifts our hearts and souls. Smoosmic makes us smile and opens our hearts. Smoosmic makes us appreciate the present moment. Smoosmic is the present moment. Smoosmic is love.

Wednesday 2 January 2013

Proud of myself

I did something today that I have never done before. I turned down work.

I took my first proper break over the Xmas period for over a year - a whole one and a half weeks of not even checking my work account. I've found it hard to turn off properly in the last year or two because I'm freelance and no longer get paid to take holidays - so I've felt guilty for taking time off and being 'lazy'. I thought I was fine with this. This last week and a half, even though I was vomiting and being generally 'runny' for about four days (losing about 2kg in the process), as well as managing some stressful relationships, I have felt amazing. It's been an eye opener. My skin glows and my eyes sparkle again.

When I was in employment I often used to say that I needed a holiday once every three months and I realise that I still need this - but I've been denying my need. I now see that I can't deny this need, because it's as important to me as food, water and writing. I may not be able to afford to trot off to South America or Asia, but I can and must afford to take time out - and really take time out.

Today, bearing in my mind my re-found inner peace and imperturbable delight in life, I thought carefully about an offer of work that I knew would turn me into the miserable stress-bunny I was for the whole of last summer. My sensible and wise inner child said "I don't want to be like that again" and this time I listened to her, and I replied to the offerer of work and I said "No thank you."

I feel free and liberated. I  realise that by saying "No" to stuff that makes me miserable, I leave more room for stuff that makes me happy. I'm currently feeling very proud of myself. This year will be my year of clarity and of being firm.


2013

It's a new year. Hearing '2013', for the first time, made me feel as if I was living in the future. It struck me how clearly I recall the moment we hit midnight on 31 December 1999 and we entered a new millennium. I recall clearly how I felt and what I hoped for. It now seems so long ago, yet over in the blink of an eye.

We went to see Life of Pi at the cinema for New Year's Eve this year (after a delicious meal of sushi and sashimi). It left me full of thoughts. When we left I took away that it was basically saying "Would you prefer to believe the interesting story full of wonder and meaning and love, or the harsh story with nothing kind or wondrous in its lines?" I know that I would prefer to believe the interesting story.

The clarity I received from the film is that life is definitely more beautiful and contains more happiness for me, if I believe in and see around me a world full of beauty, love, laughter, meaning, kindness and purpose; than if I see a harsh world full of cruelty, and a lack of meaning or purpose.

Anyway, away from heavy thoughts. 2013 in the UK dawned sunny and bright and so, as is my wont on New Year's Day, went outside for healthy and invigorating outdoor action. This year we went into the forest for a muddy, sodden bike ride.








Me on my bike (above)

My man on his bike (left)

Sunshine through the trees (right)