Saturday 29 March 2014

Motherhood fears and sleep time

We put him down earlier last night - 6.30 - and he woke around 10, for food, I thought, but it turned out that he was cross and tired and just wanted to sleep. I pulled him into bed with me and put some white noise on and he fell asleep quickly and happily.

I then woke gone 1am panicking that I'd suffocated him because he'd not woken up. My baby slept six hours without feeding. He's learning! I've no idea if it's the weaning or the earlier bedtime, so we shall see on this one, but he's not gone six hours without feeding since he was three months old and then only once or twice.

He slept well last night - partly in my bed, partly with white noise, but something is working better for us all and this is good.



Missiles

It's amazing how far an infant can throw a spoon or cup across a room, or how much butternut squash they can fit in their nostrils or mush into their hair.

Thursday 27 March 2014

Epidural - my experience

I wrote a piece on my experience of epidural in response to a request from an expert in the field. It's six months on, but I'm still processing what happened. I wonder if I'll always be processing it, or whether, one day, I'll be at peace with it all.

Epidural - my experience...

It wasn't planned. What we'd planned was a homebirth in a pool, but he began to arrive at 36 weeks and six days. The midwives hadn't delivered the air and gas at that point and neither had our pool arrived. At 37 weeks we went into hospital and after 24 hours they decided I needed some assistance because I'd (apparently) gone from 7cm to 5cm (having been taken out of the pool and into a bright side room across the corridor). This is when I was given an epidural. I hated every moment of it. I was afraid of the procedure and I was afraid of the side-effects. I didn't like all the people in my room and I didn't like the bright lights. It was busy and noisy and clinical.

The epidural made my legs hot and I intensely disliked the numb feeling. I was no longer aware of my body's sensations and being in tune with my body is and always has been important to me.

Along with the epidural (and the reason for it) I was put on a hormone drip. This didn't work, so I was then given a 'top up'. From just my middle being numb, everything from my neck downwards became numb. And then the c-section. I've gone over this bit many times. A handful of memories stand out as being positive: seeing my son above the curtain for the first time, watching my husband hold my son, having my son put on my chest, next to me, his skin on mine, and the anaesthetist holding my hand when my husband went across the room to be near my son when he was taken away to do whatever they do in those few seconds that he was away from me.

The after effects felt alien and intrusive - constant shaking; nausea; feeling out of it; not being sure, when I look back, where my son was...though I am told he was with me. I feel like part of my memories of this precious time have been removed from me forever and I wish I could go back and feel it all again with the clarity of my now-mind.

I'm grateful my son is safe and (now) a healthy six-month old, but I can't help wondering if there could have been another way and wishing that it had been so.

Friday 21 March 2014

Second day of weaning

It's a rather upsettingly messy business, but he seems to enjoy it. He especially likes holding his own spoon and feeding himself. Sooner the better, I say!

He's also in full swing of teething with multipoos night and day, nappy rash and gallons of dribble. All while smiling bravely, as long as he's in the sling. Not much sleep for grown ups, so this post is short. Tired brain...

Monday 10 March 2014

Movement

He just rolled from his back to his front!! I've also seen him roll, once (yesterday), from his front to his back, which scared him a little.

The last week or so, I come back into a room to find he's moved. Maybe 180 degrees around from where I left him, or a foot further 'down' from where I left him, but I'm yet to see how he does this.

I'm very impressed. Small things bring delight to my life with my son. :-)

Tuesday 4 March 2014

Secure sleeping

Just read an article about sleeping terrors of infants and I found it illuminating: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/freedom-learn/201110/why-young-children-protest-bedtime-evolutionary-mismatch

It also prompted me to respond and my response is below.

"For the first six weeks of his life, our son would only sleep on our chests. He happily then graduated to sleeping in a Moses basket right next to our bed and when he grew too big for that, he moved into a three sided cot next to us. He usually sleeps soundly and peacefully when near us or in a sling and when he cries he is attended to immediately - with a reassuring hand, soothing words or a cuddle, depending on the severity of the cry. He is usually a very chilled out and sociable little boy of five months - though currently a terrible sleeper, but I think he's teething.

A month ago I felt under pressure to 'help him' fall asleep on his own and tried to stop nursing or rocking him to sleep and it was the worst experience of my life (no exaggeration here). We tried the 'pick him up and put him down' method - no way I could handle letting him cry it out... We lasted two nights and decided to go back to giving him what he clearly needed. I would love to have a child who puts himself to sleep and doesn't need me so much - it can be exhausting - but I don't and I strongly feel he's too little to be moulded into something or someone he is not.

I found the article very interesting because I clearly remember all my childhood being happiest falling asleep in a room full of family members or where I could hear their voices - but until now I had forgotten this. I grew up in a family of five kids in a house that was slightly too small for us. Our summer holidays were spent in Croatia with extended family, where I slept in a room with my siblings and parents, my grandparents were in the living room, and cousins and aunt and uncle were in the second bedroom, with various other relatives in tents in the garden. For me, this felt like a secure heaven and I loved knowing how close they were.

Reading the article reminded me of how important having that security was, and also how important it probably is to my son. I'm glad he is still sleeping in our room with us and I feel more relaxed about 'allowing' him to have his daytime naps in a sling or, at least, not feeling I need to be rigid about putting him in his cot for his naps. As my husband always says when faced with a parenting choice "What do they do in Africa?"."

Saturday 1 March 2014

A room with a view

Next to no sleep, but a beautiful view at the foot of our bed....