Words that were never spoken

I found this in my scribblings just now; something that was written but never shared, when we were less than a year in and we were living in different countries.

It makes me smile, now, when I read it. It is a nice reminder of how things once were. I don't miss those times, but it's nice to remember them. Beautiful in a totally different way to how things are now.

“The flat seems a little empty without you.” 

I wanted to reply, “My heart feels empty without you,” but instead I said, “I know how the flat feels.” 

I haven’t spoken to him of love yet. I keep remembering that if you like someone, it is about you and your preferences, not about the other person. You like avocado or pineapple. You like a guy. If you love someone, this is not about you. You feel love for them because you see that they are lovable – it is a quality of the other person.

I can’t express to him how I feel because I don’t know. I want him to know that he is special and that I value him beyond what my words can describe. I want him to know that he is worth a lot to me. I see his heart; I see his essence. When we lie next to one another, just looking at each other – I see the light in his eyes, I stroke the lines of his face and I see indescribable beauty.

I see the light in his eyes and I wonder if he loves me. I wonder if I love him.

For the children

Wow. Just watched an amazing talk on TED that blew me away. The man is truly astonishing in his honesty and depth of feeling.

This is a recognition of what is missing for children who have no parents or who have parents who cannot give them what they need.

A child of the state

Cookies

Love this so much I had to share it on my blog. No idea where it originates, but found it on a certain social networking site.

Pretty heels versus comfy flats

My feet are killing me from all the tramping around various towns and cities today, so I am deeply grateful for having been wearing my Converse all day, as I'm sure (evil) pretty heels would have completely destroyed the bone structure in my tootsies by now.

I am also fairly confident that I slipped on a (now very dead) slug coming up the dark path to our front door, surely also a safer experience in comfy trainers than in pretty heels.

Mounting evidence that flats are a much better choice than heels any day.

Sheep

I had to return to Old Street today, to pick up some papers from my old counselling college, and I assumed my feet would find their habitual way back to Moorgate, a trip they used to make every week for a year. Either they didn't, or someone has been moving buildings and possibly deleting an entire square.

I found myself lost and absolutely refused to use my phone to find my way, because I count myself as someone who 'knows' London, having lived in it for ten years. Happily, before the miniscule twinges of panic took grip, I was distracted by lights! Not just any lights, but a square full of lit up yellow and green lines, edged with warnings of tripping hazards (lesson number one in how to take the fun out of an installation). It looked like a disco floor, so obviously I took a detour so I could walk across it and it was absolutely as exciting as I thought it would be.

As I crossed this square, with no idea of where I was going, I suddenly noticed the sheep - thick rivers of people in suits all headed in the same direction - and it was then that I realised that finding a tube station in London in rush hour is remarkably easy - just follow the largest river of people.

To my delight this worked, though it took me to Liverpool Street station rather than Moorgate, but that was fine. Clearly this trick only works if you don't really care which station you end up at, but really, once you're in the tube system, it's impossible to get lost, at least, for a seasoned ex Londoner such as myself.

I felt slightly sad not to be meeting up with anyone, the love of London in my heart and me wanting to share it, but it's been a long day of client work, punctuated by tea (with soya milk) and polenta cake with my friend and her daughter in the cafe in Highgate Woods, with sunshine and trees all around.

Actually, on reflection, it's good that I'm going home, because this deep excitement and thrill I feel, when I lived in London, often led to over-activity, no time for myself, not enough sleep and an increasing sense of restlessness. I used to end up feeling, after all the excitement and endless nights out, like an overtired, grumpy toddler.

I've had a great date with London today, but I've no desire to have the relationship I used to have with it. I'm happy to go home, put on my slipper socks, heat up my leftover mango chutney and shallot chicken from last night and read a good book. Despite that, I'm glad that my love for London has finally returned, but without the attachment and slightly codependent feeling.

A happy me is on the slow train home.

Beautiful skies

And no idea how to post right way round from my phone....

Thanks to my chicks

Had the most wonderful weekend with my ladies in the Cotswolds at a gorgeous water park, with wooden lodges and views over the verandah to the lakes. Pitch black at night, with amazing views of the stars and the milky way.

We started with some initially hilarious attempts at tandem cycling, which ended rather successfully I thought - my friend Sarah and I are certainly more attuned to one another after our efforts and know much more about each others' starting and free wheeling positions! After hours of bright, clear sunshine, we were attacked at the end of our ride by hail, and finally headed home for some well-earned cups of tea and snacks, followed by afternoon snooze time in the returning sunshine.

'We' (my lovely companions) made a wonderful dinner of veggie risotto (courgette and sweet potato), with lemon and garlic prawns and steak. Afters were meringue with strawberries, topped with grated dark chocolate.

The evening brought chill out time, with films, games and a face mask, made by my sister, of cucumber, some kind of plant she had picked, lemon juice and jelly - smothered on, we looked like leprotic zombies staggering around the lodge.

Sunday started with an hour of yoga in the glorious sunshine, with views of the mist on the lakes and all around us, like diamonds filling the air. In line with our cleansed yogic minds, we made a full English breakfast (yummy bacon!), went for a short ramble around the fields and lakes to work off a tiny portion of the fat we had consumed, then returned home to eat a full roast chicken and roast salmon lunch.

All in all, a weekend of absolute pleasure and enjoyment, with some wonderful women who have shared my life from my childhood through to now, and have been with me through a colourful range of experiences and adventures. Wonderful to be together for the first time in years with no man distractions and no little people distractions - just time together to reflect, chat and (mainly) laugh a lot. Must never forget the value and importance of taking time out to be with those who love and understand me.

Power and confidence

The days are drawing in. I love the oranges and yellows carpeting the ground. I love the crispness in the air. I love the darkness of the evenings and feeling cosy in our home. Despite this, I am aware of a creeping something that makes me uncertain. I know what it is, because it happens every year. It's the days drawing in. It's the lack of light impacting how my brain functions.

I know how to cope with it these days - my SAD lamp, taking chances, saying 'yes' to things when I'd rather stay home, exercising, being outside as much as possible, not eating too much, being nice to myself, treating myself and making sure I have enough sleep. It's also about reminding myself that any low points are all just a trick of the light and will disappear in spring when the days begin to get longer again. It's all good, actually.

As part of this process of remembering, I also read and watch things that might teach me more about how to feel positive about myself in the timeframe between October and spring. One of these things is a very interesting video on power and confidence and the value of body language.

The woman talks about how powerful body language impacts not only how others see and judge us, but how we feel inside and about how we judge ourselves. Very interesting. You can see the video here.