A gift

The best reward is watching someone change in ways that gives them a happier, more fulfilled life; especially knowing that I have helped to facilitate that change. Usually I know through my own experience of our relationship and our work, but occasionally someone tells me themselves, through words or a gift and that always touches me deeply.

Passport - more delights

Oh! And they have cold and warm fronts too!

See picture to demonstrate some of the delights - fronts, weather symbols and dragon fly.

Passport

So my new passport has arrived, valid until mid 2023, a date that doesn't seem real.

Unlike my old passport, I look like a convict. Gone is the smiling face of my Williams passport and here is the stern face of my Shah passport. I do hope this isn't representative of my life!

I assumed with it's fangle dangle chip thingy, that the pages would be tear proof. If Aussies can make money that is tear-resistant, surely the UK passport people can make tear-resistant passport pages. It appears not.

Other than the photo, the obviously fake expiry date and the (now) torn page 5, I am in love with my new passport. It has sparkly wave and bird designs and then other birds in blue and grey, and dragonflies and fishes. It delights me. I was almost in rapture, but not quite there, when I notice the weather symbols. It would appear that new passports have weather symbols, one for each page, in the style of the BBC weather site and so far I have spotted snow, rain, sunshine, cloud, broken cloud with sunshine, thunder and hail or sleet (not sure of what the last one is).

I never imagined getting my passport would be so entertaining and interesting. I urge you all to check the hidden delights of yours, if you have a new one; and if you don't, yet, I wish you much happiness when you finally do!

(See Passport - more delights for more delights!)

The curious arrival of The Jumper

We found a navy blue jumper at our house around the time we got married. It was hanging on the handlebars of one of the bikes. It looks like a man's style. It's small, Jeff Banks, with pale blue stripes going down the arms... Smells of man or hard work or something. I don't recognise the smell, which I was sure I would and I find this odd.

If anyone reading this post owns the jumper, let me know and we'll keep it safe rather than taking it to charity.

Marriage and commitment

It’s a funny old thing, marriage. I have always been ambivalent about it, on the side of anti-marriage if I'm honest, primarily because I have seen it trap otherwise happy people into something that makes them unhappy. I have also always felt that commitment is in my heart, not on a piece of paper, despite the laws in this country that make marriage a safer union legally than other unions. Don’t get me wrong, the ambivalence is not about commitment for me, it’s about the institution, or so I told myself.

In the lead up to my wedding, I felt nothing but anxiety and stress. Little excitement glimmered through the fog for me. In between the complex layers of planning, I began to lose sight of my man and I started to panic, forgetting the whole reason for getting married, and I needed to keep looking him in the eyes, to remember who he was and why I was marrying him. All this stuff you are required to do in order to have, what was in my eyes, a traditional wedding, takes so much away from the whole point of getting married, which is to be with someone you love and to tell the world how you feel.

I thought that the ambivalence would continue to my wedding day, but, unexpectedly, the day of my wedding, and especially as we spoke the vows to one another, I felt happy. Unambiguously and unambivalently happy. I also felt a mild surprise to suddenly know in my heart the full extent of his love and commitment to me and I realise that this brings me closer to the truth of my ambivalence: I had never seen a marriage with the kind of commitment I wanted and so I didn't believe it was possible for another to give me what I wanted and needed. This being the case, why would I want to commit my life to someone forever? I know it's not necessarily about being married, legally, or I believe it isn't that, for me. For me, it's about a public declaration of commitment, in whatever manner it might have happened.

In the last week and a half, I have felt an odd sense of safety and security that I have never known in my life, not even as a child. It’s a sense that someone really does have my back and really truly does love me. I didn’t know this feeling existed, never mind that I was missing it.

So yes, I admit, I am happy. Though one would hope this would be the case only a week and a half into a lifelong commitment!

Work

Slowly slowly, one day at a time, I'll get there. Just been offered one day a week school counselling in Reading starting in September. Only half an hour cycling from the flat and not a million miles from my swimming pool. It's all very exciting.

What a morning

By 10am I have had breakfast, got dressed, caught up on emails, written a blog post or two, done two loads of washing, hung two loads up to dry, put dry clothes away, done the dishes, got my tax spreadsheet and paperwork up to date and stripped the bed ready to wash the covers.

Almost time to put the third load of washing on. Then I'll go into town to do some last minute grocery shopping and get some final bits and bobs for my wedding outfit, before going off to do some counselling. Finally, I shall head home to pick up Siy's trousers from the dry cleaners, make 30 little boxes, wrap their contents and make dinner.

I'm hoping for an early night. What do we think are the chances of that?

Mixed feelings about my wedding

I dreamed of my aunt last night. I was lying in bed and I could hear her laughter and her voice floating up from the ground floor. As I slowly rose into consciousness I realised it was just a dream and I remembered that she was gone.

I am acutely aware that my wedding day is the first anniversary of her death and so I have very mixed feelings about this week. Amidst the usual wedding stress I have been experiencing little flashes of excitement, but also tears. I keep remembering the day she died, as I cycled home from work looking down on the lights of Reading. I had a phone message from my Mama telling me to call and I knew in my heart that she had died.

Now, as I sit here typing, I am full of grief and I wish so much that I could hear her voice again, catch her contagious laughter and listen to her dry Croatian humour. I wish she was still here, because I know how happy she would have been and how much she would have liked my man, had she ever had a chance to get to know him. The only thing that consoles me is that before she went I told her that he was the one for me and she smiled and told me this was good.

Thinking of her always.

Fairies' horses

I found out today that Croatian for 'dragonfly' is 'fairy's horse' and I am completely enchanted by this image.

Humour, or lack of

That was the first joke in weeks that I found funny. Stress can disable my sense of humour. My poor man.

I ask you all kindly, please be very, very nice to me this week and don't tell me any of your stresses.

"How are you?" this week, from me, requires you to think, very hard if necessary, of all the good things in your life. You can share those with me. That would make me happy.

Thank you for your attention. :-)