So following my sister's discovery that she had a gluten intolerance which is what was causing her belly to bloat, I decided that maybe I had it too. Upon weighing myself at my parents' house in Chester and noting that I seem to be about a stone heavier than usual, I thought long and hard and realised that gluten bloating probably doesn't weigh that much. So I joined a gym two days ago. I seem to be fit still - half hour run not tiring me out at all, followed by a short cycle, some rowing (not arguing, the other sort), some weights and some delicious stretching. I went back today and did it all again.
I feel great and this is all part of the next stage of my path. 2010 was about discovery and spiritual growth and while both will always be a part of my life, 2011 is going to be more about determination. Starting with the gym. This is what will set my intentions.
Thank you for following me throughout 2010. I hope my posts have been useful in some way - whether giving you something to think about, enjoyment, amusement, an aid to sleep, or whatever.
Sending you all much love and hoping that 2011 brings us all closer to the life we should be living, the one we all deserve, where conflict and anxiety lessen, where we feel less alone in our loneliness, where we feel loved and can feel love and have compassion for those we come across. Sorry if this sounds a bit wet, but really, loving properly is not about being wet - it's about being strong, passionate and alive. So there we go, may 2011 bring you strength, passion and life!!! Cheers everyone. xx
the random ponderings of an ordinary person
Friday, 31 December 2010
Monday, 20 December 2010
Very best wishes for 2011
You may be wondering about my choice of photo. I've been looking through all my photos, partly as a retrospective, reflective exercise, contemplating what has been in the last decade and thinking about what will come in 2011. So much has happened to me since 2000 - I remember the start of the new millennium, wondering what would come. I would never in a million years have guessed all that has happened and all that I've done, but the biggest changes have come on the inside.
One of the most important things that I have learned over the last few years, is that it doesn't matter if you love me, or how much, or for how long. What matters is that I love you. Being loved is wonderful, don't get me wrong - my world revolves around love, in one form or another. The thing is, what makes me really happy, is genuinely loving other people. Faults and all. So I say again to you, this time in my own words - I love you, idiot. Idiot, because we can all be idiots sometimes and we can get so upset about the silly little things totally losing sight of the things that matter. Idiot, because we so regularly question if, or how much, or for how long someone else might love us. Love is love. It remains if you hold it gently in your heart and accept its comings and goings like the seasons and years.
I wish you all love in your hearts for 2011 (and longer!). May you find it easier and easier to truly love others and to accept love into your lives, in all the forms that it takes.
xx
Saturday, 18 December 2010
SNOW!
Absolutely stunningly beautiful!
I woke to an odd coloured bedroom and leaped out of bed to look outside. Sure enough, the whole view was white and peaceful. The flakes are large and falling gently, and the snow on the ground is already a couple of inches deep. All I want to do is to go outside and make snow angels, but I am going to a wedding this afternoon in London and really ought to eat some cornflakes, drink my tea and get ready to leave.
I love it! Now that I officially have a home, I must go up to Manchester and collect my snowboarding clothes and walking boots, then snow playing will be a long-lasting pleasure rather than short-lived or a damp cold misery. :-)
Ooh, maybe we'll have a white Christmas!! :-)
I woke to an odd coloured bedroom and leaped out of bed to look outside. Sure enough, the whole view was white and peaceful. The flakes are large and falling gently, and the snow on the ground is already a couple of inches deep. All I want to do is to go outside and make snow angels, but I am going to a wedding this afternoon in London and really ought to eat some cornflakes, drink my tea and get ready to leave.
I love it! Now that I officially have a home, I must go up to Manchester and collect my snowboarding clothes and walking boots, then snow playing will be a long-lasting pleasure rather than short-lived or a damp cold misery. :-)
Ooh, maybe we'll have a white Christmas!! :-)
Thursday, 16 December 2010
My freewheeling curious mind - a minor rant
2010 in Zen? How could I have got that wrong? The title of my last post. Doesn't make a huge amount of difference to the meaning I guess. Up early this morning. At least, earlier than usual. I'm reading a lot at the moment. It all seems brain related. Read about a couple who've decided to ignore the clock going back and it's solved the problem of his cluster headaches and saved electricity. Bonus. Reading a fantastic book called A Brilliant Madness about, of course, manic depression, as this is my obsession at the moment. This one has a different slant to the others and focuses very strongly on the mood disorders being physical illness - chemical imbalance - not mental. And I think, as I always have done, about the distinction between mental and physical illness and, as usual, it irritates me. How common is it to feel depressed following a virus - post-viral blues? How many neurological-based problems have psychological outcomes? What about anxiety and manic depression causing physical symptoms such as nausea and digestive problems? Or allergy causing anxiety and a sense of impending doom. It angers me hugely that there is still such stigma against mental health problems, when really the distinction between mental and physical is so slim, barely a thread, that can easily be broken with your teeth. I understand that some 'mental' health problems can be frightening - psychosis for one, whether related to manic depression and therefore relatively easily treatable, or schizophrenia, or overuse of drugs, or... Alzheimers, Parkinson's, lupus, HIV (yes it can - I didn't know that one before!), multiple sclerosis - a multitude of 'physical' conditions... I don't like this distinction. It makes me feel uneasy. It reminds me of the way we all (myself included) have a tendency to need to box things up neatly. If someone is different we treat them as if there is something wrong with them and why should we do this? Who are we to say that this something is wrong? A lot of these 'conditions' have benefits which is why they have remained through natural selection - the mania of manic depression can have massively creative outcomes or insights, as well as sometimes being destructive, Asperger's provides those of use without it with a totally different way of seeing the world, which I have found in my own personal life to be hugely beneficial. For example, how many of you have seen couples arguing in public and she is screaming at him and saying "Well if you don't know, I'm not going to tell you!" as if he should be able to read her mind and has let her down terribly by not bothering to know her well enough to what is inside her head. Asperger's teaches us in a most striking fashion that this really isn't possible and why is it so hard to just say "Okay, well if you don't know, I'll tell you, because obviously you can't read my mind." How much more sensible and mature would a conversation of that nature be? Of course, some 'conditions' remain because a symptom of them may be promiscuity, but that's another issue.
I seem to be ranting. I am fascinated. Back to manic depression. Those with it often have family histories peppered with depression (or recurrent depression, which can actually be manic depression misdiagnosed with low level manic episodes that are so low they are unrecognisable - more likely if the depression was never effectively treated as such), anaemia, colour blindness, thyroid problems, alcoholism, other substance abuse including legal drugs such as tranquilisers), stories of eccentric relatives who regularly disappear into a dark room for days with a 'headache' or otherwise slightly bizarre behaviour, periods of lows and elation, inspiration, impulsivity. It's not purely genetic as environmental factors do play a part in triggering the condition, it would seem. It usually hits in late teens/early 20s. Then there are the psychlothymics who just swing gently from high to low on a regular basis and never need medication. Misdiagnoses can include depression, schizophrenia (especially for the 'good outcome' or 'quick recovery' ones), premenstrual tension, schizoaffective disorder. There's a whole range of things that people often get labelled with before being correctly diagnosed.
I don't know why it fascinates me so much, but something, somewhere, somehow, is beginning to make a lot of sense to me in the back of my little, freewheeling, curious, mind.
I am aiming to complete my essay on the use of creativity in Gestalt therapy this week, though more realistically I have postponed this until 'end of 2010' and then. Then I have time to write and I am so excited. It has been building up in me, frustratingly, for months, this desire to write and little time to do so. The time is coming and my fingers will soon flow with what they want to say, rather than what I have to say, as required by my college! :-) Wishing you all a fabulous week. If you're in the UK and reading this, wrap up warm. Snow is on the way again! xx
I seem to be ranting. I am fascinated. Back to manic depression. Those with it often have family histories peppered with depression (or recurrent depression, which can actually be manic depression misdiagnosed with low level manic episodes that are so low they are unrecognisable - more likely if the depression was never effectively treated as such), anaemia, colour blindness, thyroid problems, alcoholism, other substance abuse including legal drugs such as tranquilisers), stories of eccentric relatives who regularly disappear into a dark room for days with a 'headache' or otherwise slightly bizarre behaviour, periods of lows and elation, inspiration, impulsivity. It's not purely genetic as environmental factors do play a part in triggering the condition, it would seem. It usually hits in late teens/early 20s. Then there are the psychlothymics who just swing gently from high to low on a regular basis and never need medication. Misdiagnoses can include depression, schizophrenia (especially for the 'good outcome' or 'quick recovery' ones), premenstrual tension, schizoaffective disorder. There's a whole range of things that people often get labelled with before being correctly diagnosed.
I don't know why it fascinates me so much, but something, somewhere, somehow, is beginning to make a lot of sense to me in the back of my little, freewheeling, curious, mind.
I am aiming to complete my essay on the use of creativity in Gestalt therapy this week, though more realistically I have postponed this until 'end of 2010' and then. Then I have time to write and I am so excited. It has been building up in me, frustratingly, for months, this desire to write and little time to do so. The time is coming and my fingers will soon flow with what they want to say, rather than what I have to say, as required by my college! :-) Wishing you all a fabulous week. If you're in the UK and reading this, wrap up warm. Snow is on the way again! xx
Monday, 6 December 2010
2010 in Zen
I am very aware that the year is drawing to a close. We have almost completed the first decade of this new century. I started the year by creating this - my blog: 2010 is Zen and so I start by asking myself if the title was true - was 2010 Zen for me? It was kind of a joke name, but in all honestly this year has been amazing.
I had a holiday in Thailand which prompted me to start my book - a book which is now part way through its second draft. A holiday with my beautiful friend Kathy, our adventures and chats, my meditations in the Buddhist temples. It was utterly delicious, despite my slightly unfriendly introduction to Bangkok. My memories are like a slide show of beautiful photos, enveloped in warmth, freedom and safety. Except the motorbike riding - that didn't feel so safe at the start and only felt moderately safe at the end! Thanks to Voluptua, the lovely bike and her owner Kathy for taking me on some fun rides and turning me from a total scaredy cat, to just a moderate one.
Then I found myself in Hong Kong for three months. I meditated, healed and practiced yoga regularly, I made friends there, some of whom I shall never forget because of their kindness, genuineness and acceptance. I was surrounded by sea and mountains, as well as an amazing city life - a drab grey city by day, that at night came to magical life, a world of diamonds made from sparkling fairy lights, of chance encounters and randomness. After half a year of no drinking, I indulged in the odd cocktail or two in rooftop bars with fantastic views and, rare for me, not feeling in the slightly bit chilly. This period also set me on my current path, to continue my counselling training, which is what I am currently immersed in, perhaps almost drowning in.
Then it was Croatia, my homeland, my heartland. Finding more about who I am, reconnecting with my Croatian heart - that was a special experience, shared with some special people who I'll probably never see again, but that's okay. If we're meant to meet up again, we will, and if not, well we had a great time. It was also very much a family time for me - my Mama and aunt, my cousins. Daily life in the heart of a city, surrounded by a beautiful - if frustratingly difficult - language, with family all around me. I feel so lucky to be part of my family - we might be difficult from time to time and we might be honest to the point of pain occasionally, but we're honest and we love deeply.
I wrote in my diary what I wanted to have achieved by the end of the 2010. The things I have achieved from this list include making a decision about my training, moving out of London, practicing more meditation and healing and writing a book and getting feedback on it. I wanted to publish my book by the end of this year, but some things take time and there was stuff I needed to learn before I got to this point. Perhaps I have also learned a little more realism and patience. Never thought I'd say that!
So, the next steps? Right now, get rid of this vile cold and endless snot. I'm taking herbal tinctures and infusions, mixed by my lovely sister who tries to make me believe they will taste nice with the addition of a little honey. I have to confess, though don't tell her, that I am convinced of their effectiveness if not their taste - the vile tasting concoction she gave me last night helped me breathe easy and sleep peacefully. For the first time in days I didn't need to sleep with tissues stuffed up my nostrils to stem the snotty flow. I am now able to look slightly more sexy as I sleep - always important to know that if you're going to be disturbed at night - for example by an intruder - that you can still look your best.
Next year who knows? There are things I know I will do and things I would love to do, but we shall see. One thing for sure is that I know I need to change the title of this blog.
I'll be in touch again before Christmas. I want to wish you a happy one, but this is far too early for me do so without irritating myself. Tell you what, I'll say instead, have a good week!! :-)
I had a holiday in Thailand which prompted me to start my book - a book which is now part way through its second draft. A holiday with my beautiful friend Kathy, our adventures and chats, my meditations in the Buddhist temples. It was utterly delicious, despite my slightly unfriendly introduction to Bangkok. My memories are like a slide show of beautiful photos, enveloped in warmth, freedom and safety. Except the motorbike riding - that didn't feel so safe at the start and only felt moderately safe at the end! Thanks to Voluptua, the lovely bike and her owner Kathy for taking me on some fun rides and turning me from a total scaredy cat, to just a moderate one.
Then I found myself in Hong Kong for three months. I meditated, healed and practiced yoga regularly, I made friends there, some of whom I shall never forget because of their kindness, genuineness and acceptance. I was surrounded by sea and mountains, as well as an amazing city life - a drab grey city by day, that at night came to magical life, a world of diamonds made from sparkling fairy lights, of chance encounters and randomness. After half a year of no drinking, I indulged in the odd cocktail or two in rooftop bars with fantastic views and, rare for me, not feeling in the slightly bit chilly. This period also set me on my current path, to continue my counselling training, which is what I am currently immersed in, perhaps almost drowning in.
Then it was Croatia, my homeland, my heartland. Finding more about who I am, reconnecting with my Croatian heart - that was a special experience, shared with some special people who I'll probably never see again, but that's okay. If we're meant to meet up again, we will, and if not, well we had a great time. It was also very much a family time for me - my Mama and aunt, my cousins. Daily life in the heart of a city, surrounded by a beautiful - if frustratingly difficult - language, with family all around me. I feel so lucky to be part of my family - we might be difficult from time to time and we might be honest to the point of pain occasionally, but we're honest and we love deeply.
I wrote in my diary what I wanted to have achieved by the end of the 2010. The things I have achieved from this list include making a decision about my training, moving out of London, practicing more meditation and healing and writing a book and getting feedback on it. I wanted to publish my book by the end of this year, but some things take time and there was stuff I needed to learn before I got to this point. Perhaps I have also learned a little more realism and patience. Never thought I'd say that!
So, the next steps? Right now, get rid of this vile cold and endless snot. I'm taking herbal tinctures and infusions, mixed by my lovely sister who tries to make me believe they will taste nice with the addition of a little honey. I have to confess, though don't tell her, that I am convinced of their effectiveness if not their taste - the vile tasting concoction she gave me last night helped me breathe easy and sleep peacefully. For the first time in days I didn't need to sleep with tissues stuffed up my nostrils to stem the snotty flow. I am now able to look slightly more sexy as I sleep - always important to know that if you're going to be disturbed at night - for example by an intruder - that you can still look your best.
Next year who knows? There are things I know I will do and things I would love to do, but we shall see. One thing for sure is that I know I need to change the title of this blog.
I'll be in touch again before Christmas. I want to wish you a happy one, but this is far too early for me do so without irritating myself. Tell you what, I'll say instead, have a good week!! :-)
Wednesday, 3 November 2010
It's the simple things that satisfy
After doing a spot of college work and sorting out my notes, I have spent the rest of the day painting white paint onto walls and woodwork, and we shall start putting up the coving up shortly...once the correct adhesive has been purchased. I am very good at painting (if I may say so myself) and enjoy it hugely. Well, except painting the ceiling (which hurts my arms and fills my eyes with paint speckles), but there is always a nice strong muscley man to attend to that element of any room.
I shall be rewarded with sushi in a couple of hours, which makes me very happy indeed. :-) Suuuuushi. Yum yum. Nice slabs of raw fish, rice and perhaps some vegetables. Yummmmmy. :-)
I am tired. My hands ache, my arms ache, my back aches, but I feel satisfied. It has been a satisfactory day. Satisfaction has been achieved. It has all been wonderful satisfying. :-)
Time to smile and drink tea for a moment.
Kisses.
PS I discovered that golden syrup with finely chopped garlic, soy sauce, a splash of fish sauce and finely chopped chili (with seeds) is delicious when used as a marinade for chicken. Same sauce also used to saute spinach leaves and baby plum tomatoes as a side dish, and drizzled over sweet potatoes, regular potatoes and carrots once they landed on our plates. Deee-licious.
I shall be rewarded with sushi in a couple of hours, which makes me very happy indeed. :-) Suuuuushi. Yum yum. Nice slabs of raw fish, rice and perhaps some vegetables. Yummmmmy. :-)
I am tired. My hands ache, my arms ache, my back aches, but I feel satisfied. It has been a satisfactory day. Satisfaction has been achieved. It has all been wonderful satisfying. :-)
Time to smile and drink tea for a moment.
Kisses.
PS I discovered that golden syrup with finely chopped garlic, soy sauce, a splash of fish sauce and finely chopped chili (with seeds) is delicious when used as a marinade for chicken. Same sauce also used to saute spinach leaves and baby plum tomatoes as a side dish, and drizzled over sweet potatoes, regular potatoes and carrots once they landed on our plates. Deee-licious.
Thursday, 28 October 2010
Movement
Not talking bowels here, they're fine thank you. Talking life progress. Today I was offered a voluntary counselling placement in Wokingham, a short train ride from Reading. It's a lovely area and very easy to get to. I have to do undertake a six-week induction there (effectively) and then I have a two-hour slot in Woodley every Wednesday evening. I am so happy. :-)
When they asked me about working in their Reading-based clinics I said that I used public transport and they immediately decided it would be impossible for me to work from those locations. Honestly, I think it would be about a half-hour cycle ride. They were shocked, not being used to anyone travelling anywhere other than by car. Well, perhaps there are some advantaged of having lived the last 10 years of my life in London - you get used to life without a car. Guess I'll have to buy a bike in January then.
So, I am starting to sort a few things out and it feels good. Now back down to work!
When they asked me about working in their Reading-based clinics I said that I used public transport and they immediately decided it would be impossible for me to work from those locations. Honestly, I think it would be about a half-hour cycle ride. They were shocked, not being used to anyone travelling anywhere other than by car. Well, perhaps there are some advantaged of having lived the last 10 years of my life in London - you get used to life without a car. Guess I'll have to buy a bike in January then.
So, I am starting to sort a few things out and it feels good. Now back down to work!
Monday, 25 October 2010
Slackness
Not talking slackness of jowls due to aging here, as you might think. I'm not that old thank you very much, though I did notice that when I hang my head upside down the flesh accumulates under my eyes and makes me look like I'm about 60 years old. That was rather depressing so I shan't be experimenting with that look again.
No, I'm talking about slackness of posting. I have been slack. I apologise. I'm not very exciting right now.
Well, I've been running once a week for the last month - one hour, covering 5-6 miles in the time, which I am fairly proud of. I've also been mountain biking the weekend just gone - two hours, covering just over 8 miles - and that was wicked fun. Scary and I didn't quite manage to making it up again from a steep downhill into a muddy ditch. I also got mud in my eyes and was wearing a mud goatee for a bit (unbeknown to me at the time). Topped off with a Berkshire Cornish pasty and I was well happy. :-)
I've also got back into the social circle and have actually started to make dates with friends again. I guess this must mean I am feeling more settled. Either that or a little stir crazy. I feel the need to start implementing. In the language of my therapy training, I have left the fertile void of nothingness and I am now ready for action.
If anyone knows of a non-dysfunctional easy-going flatshare in Reading, please let me know! I can't be doing with squabbles over bills or washing up. I want easy, cup of tea? thank you very much! night night then, type of flatshare. The odd bit of fun is fine, but to be honest, I'd rather boring over fun for my homelife. For me fun is cycling and running and watching funny stuff on the big black box from time to time. For me fun is chatting for hours or having the odd dinner party. For me, fun is being creative with buttons and dye. Goodness, bring on the slack jowls, I'm clearly ready for them...
No, I'm talking about slackness of posting. I have been slack. I apologise. I'm not very exciting right now.
Well, I've been running once a week for the last month - one hour, covering 5-6 miles in the time, which I am fairly proud of. I've also been mountain biking the weekend just gone - two hours, covering just over 8 miles - and that was wicked fun. Scary and I didn't quite manage to making it up again from a steep downhill into a muddy ditch. I also got mud in my eyes and was wearing a mud goatee for a bit (unbeknown to me at the time). Topped off with a Berkshire Cornish pasty and I was well happy. :-)
I've also got back into the social circle and have actually started to make dates with friends again. I guess this must mean I am feeling more settled. Either that or a little stir crazy. I feel the need to start implementing. In the language of my therapy training, I have left the fertile void of nothingness and I am now ready for action.
If anyone knows of a non-dysfunctional easy-going flatshare in Reading, please let me know! I can't be doing with squabbles over bills or washing up. I want easy, cup of tea? thank you very much! night night then, type of flatshare. The odd bit of fun is fine, but to be honest, I'd rather boring over fun for my homelife. For me fun is cycling and running and watching funny stuff on the big black box from time to time. For me fun is chatting for hours or having the odd dinner party. For me, fun is being creative with buttons and dye. Goodness, bring on the slack jowls, I'm clearly ready for them...
Sunday, 17 October 2010
Benoit Mandelbrot
The father of fractals has died age 85. An astonishingly intelligent man.
Something he said, which has somehow got under my skin is reported in a BBC article "Mandelbrot was also highly critical of the world banking system, arguing the economic model it used was unable to cope with its own complexity."
It makes me feel very uneasy and I have an intuitive sense that he predicted something significant. It somehow reinforces my belief that cash should be stored in gold under the bed and ploughed into property ownership and not invested into pensions and stocks. Anything that is essentially not 'real' worries me. Somewhat hypocritical of me, given I don't own many things and all my money is in banks - intending to all be spent this year however, I might add.
For further information read Mandelbrot's book 'The Fractal Geometry of Nature' published in 1982. I haven't yet read it in its entirety and plan to purchase it.
Something that also pops to mind, relating to the ridiculousness of money and finances, is the book 'Fooled by Randomness - the hidden role of chance and life in the markets.' Now forgive me if I am wrong, but what I took from this book is that the whole world seems to revolve around a financial illusion that is unsustainable.
Now I shall go away and ponder these two seemingly unrelated things and work out what I really think.
Something he said, which has somehow got under my skin is reported in a BBC article "Mandelbrot was also highly critical of the world banking system, arguing the economic model it used was unable to cope with its own complexity."
It makes me feel very uneasy and I have an intuitive sense that he predicted something significant. It somehow reinforces my belief that cash should be stored in gold under the bed and ploughed into property ownership and not invested into pensions and stocks. Anything that is essentially not 'real' worries me. Somewhat hypocritical of me, given I don't own many things and all my money is in banks - intending to all be spent this year however, I might add.
For further information read Mandelbrot's book 'The Fractal Geometry of Nature' published in 1982. I haven't yet read it in its entirety and plan to purchase it.
Something that also pops to mind, relating to the ridiculousness of money and finances, is the book 'Fooled by Randomness - the hidden role of chance and life in the markets.' Now forgive me if I am wrong, but what I took from this book is that the whole world seems to revolve around a financial illusion that is unsustainable.
Now I shall go away and ponder these two seemingly unrelated things and work out what I really think.
Thursday, 14 October 2010
96 seems to be the going rate
I heard today than an old friend of the family died on Monday. Doris Beaver was 96, the same age as my Great Aunt Ailsa was when she died in January. It seems 96 is the going rate then. Well, at least 96 - I hope to make it past that.
My Dad told me that she'd had a stroke a couple of decades ago and lived independently since then, up until two years ago that is. He told me she was never cantankerous. When I think of her I feel warm and safe - I remember her being a kind, amusing and generous soul. I remember photos in her living room and patio doors...at least I think I do. I remember a garden with trees. I remember she lived in Croydon, or thereabouts. We used to pop in on the way to or from Croatia, when we were small. I remember it always being sunny, but the summers of my childhood were all sunny and hot, in my memory that is.
This blog post is in her memory and is to express gratitude and thanks for the wonderful person that she was. My challenge is to be as non-cantankerous as she was. There really is no need. So kindness and gentleness all round, please.
My Dad told me that she'd had a stroke a couple of decades ago and lived independently since then, up until two years ago that is. He told me she was never cantankerous. When I think of her I feel warm and safe - I remember her being a kind, amusing and generous soul. I remember photos in her living room and patio doors...at least I think I do. I remember a garden with trees. I remember she lived in Croydon, or thereabouts. We used to pop in on the way to or from Croatia, when we were small. I remember it always being sunny, but the summers of my childhood were all sunny and hot, in my memory that is.
This blog post is in her memory and is to express gratitude and thanks for the wonderful person that she was. My challenge is to be as non-cantankerous as she was. There really is no need. So kindness and gentleness all round, please.