Epidural - my experience

I wrote a piece on my experience of epidural in response to a request from an expert in the field. It's six months on, but I'm still processing what happened. I wonder if I'll always be processing it, or whether, one day, I'll be at peace with it all.

Epidural - my experience...

It wasn't planned. What we'd planned was a homebirth in a pool, but he began to arrive at 36 weeks and six days. The midwives hadn't delivered the air and gas at that point and neither had our pool arrived. At 37 weeks we went into hospital and after 24 hours they decided I needed some assistance because I'd (apparently) gone from 7cm to 5cm (having been taken out of the pool and into a bright side room across the corridor). This is when I was given an epidural. I hated every moment of it. I was afraid of the procedure and I was afraid of the side-effects. I didn't like all the people in my room and I didn't like the bright lights. It was busy and noisy and clinical.

The epidural made my legs hot and I intensely disliked the numb feeling. I was no longer aware of my body's sensations and being in tune with my body is and always has been important to me.

Along with the epidural (and the reason for it) I was put on a hormone drip. This didn't work, so I was then given a 'top up'. From just my middle being numb, everything from my neck downwards became numb. And then the c-section. I've gone over this bit many times. A handful of memories stand out as being positive: seeing my son above the curtain for the first time, watching my husband hold my son, having my son put on my chest, next to me, his skin on mine, and the anaesthetist holding my hand when my husband went across the room to be near my son when he was taken away to do whatever they do in those few seconds that he was away from me.

The after effects felt alien and intrusive - constant shaking; nausea; feeling out of it; not being sure, when I look back, where my son was...though I am told he was with me. I feel like part of my memories of this precious time have been removed from me forever and I wish I could go back and feel it all again with the clarity of my now-mind.

I'm grateful my son is safe and (now) a healthy six-month old, but I can't help wondering if there could have been another way and wishing that it had been so.