Love part 2

And the rest...

Love

I like this excerpt about three stages in a relationship. It resonates with how my toddler is, sometimes wanting to be close, so close I literally cannot get anything done, other times asking me to go away, and I try to respect each stage.

It also reminds me of a poem we chose for our wedding, about how love is like waves lapping against an island. There is always change, sometimes we come close, other times we move further away. Resisting this, is not helpful. Respecting this, creates trust and strengthens the bond.

I find it helpful to focus on the impermanence and transience of life, in order to understand the permanent elements that can be relied upon. In an odd way, transience has always given me security.

Excerpt from The Art of Happiness, by the Dalai Lama and Howard Cutler.

Today's completed meditation

Today I want to swim, run, fly and be free! Thinking of my sister enjoying her all day meditation and preparing to go for a lovely walk in the sunshine.

One of those days

Doula can't doula (broke her ankle), toddler's thumb popped out (after dislocating his elbow yesterday), now I find him drawing on the living room furniture in his own blood (tiny cut on his finger that seems to have an endless blood supply).

Hoping this is the universe getting all the challenging things out of the way before (a) my birthday this weekend and (b) labour, which I am anticipating any time from next week.

Beautiful things

The thing that touched my heart today.

I love you!

A momentous day yesterday.

We were singing the wheels on the bus and had got to the verse about the mummies on the bus. My little 2 years, 3 month old son immediately put his fingers to his lips and said "shhh" (the mummies on the bus go shh, shh, shh). I said, "No, this mummy says I love you".

He smiled at me, said "I love you" and then climbed on top of me for a huge body hug.

It's been tough, now 35 weeks pregnant, with a relative non sleeper who is extremely bright and lively and likes to jump up and down on my belly (though he does also kiss it and give baby sister cars and toys to play with), but it is moments like this that make everything worth everything as my heart just melts into a big pool of squishiness.

And he finally has all his teeth and has just decided to sleep all night in his own room...well, until 3am, which feels like all night. Milestones of a toddler...

Happy mama.

Happy new year 2016

Well, 2015 has been a year of hard work, fulfillment, friendship, building upon and deepening family relationships, cutting out as someone described to me 'deadwood' - making more time for the things and people that matter to me and that bring happiness and growth to my life...as I hope I do to theirs. It has been fun and wonderful to watch my beautiful son grow and develop, seeing him become a compassionate, kind and thoughtful child, becoming more aware of his inner world as his language develops quickly and dramatically. Hearing him laugh and play, laughing and playing with him. Our little family is growing (mostly inside me, at the moment) and I know that 2016 will bring us much change.

So, here's to 2016. May it be a year of continued growth, fulfillment, love and peace for you all. May the changes be good ones that cast light on your worlds, so that shadows fall behind you.

With love.

The end of an era

So, milkies started to disappear with the (internal) growth of the munchkiness when I was around 10 weeks pregnant. Instead of feeding to sleep, we've been kissing boobies goodnight. Mostly, it's been fine, but my two-year old has woken me regularly, crying "no milk" in his sleep, quite a lot of late. He's also woken after his nap wanting milkies, and cried to discover there is no milk. He's clearly been going through a grieving process for something he's had since birth, nutritious, comforting and offering security. I have found it heartbreaking, not being able to give him what he wants and needs. I've told him that his baby sister will bring boobie milk back when she finally arrives and that seems to make him happy - and it's a fact he often repeats to me, while peering into my belly button, kissing and hugging my belly, and saying "baby sister" or, occasionally "huuuuuge belly". I'm hoping he'll associate the arrival of a screaming shrivelled up girlie-scrap with yummy milk, and not mind so much having to share me or my boobies.

Anyway, the last two nights he hasn't asked for milk nor wanted to kiss boobies goodnight (interestingly just as my milk seems to be coming back in). In fact, he's just cuddled me, given me a kiss on my nose, a butterfly kiss to my cheek (fluttering eyelashes), and rolled over and gone to sleep within about five minutes. Part of me is sad that it's the end of an era (though I'm aware his love of milkies might return with the arrival of his sister), but another part of me is happy at his growing independence and the fact that we've done no 'sleep training' or crying it out or anything, in fact, that was not entirely baby led (apart from the unfortunate reduction in milk supply). I'm so proud of us, my husband and I, for sticking it out through the harder nights, to parent and love our child in a way that we felt was right for him and for us as a family.

Tonight I'm going to bed with a mixture of feelings, but mostly I'm looking forward to him arriving in our bed around midnight, his fluffy hot little head snuggling down while his feet, no doubt, kick me in the face until morning.

Donkeys and rain

Before leaving England, we camped in the New Forest and the munchkin was acquainted with donkeys. He desperately wants to see them again and often asks to see their photos on my phone. The other day we went in search of a donkey (to be heard braying throughout the day), which unfortunately we didn't find, but he was contented with examining windows, ants, lizards, vehicles and various flowers and bits of debris. Today he spent some time gazing out of the door at the rain. The life of a toddler is truly an experience in wonderment, novelty, exploration and curiosity.

Blue dinosaurs

So we've now been in Croatia well over a week, I'm sure. I'm mostly spending my time running after the munchkin, playing in dubious-looking sand, batting away mosquitos in one of the two playgrounds we've found and swimming with him, which is my favourite pastime. He's developed a liking of climbing onto my back, so I swim for both of us. Sometimes he lets go and waves his arms through the water as if he's also swimming and sometimes he kicks his legs, but mostly he climbs as high up as possible to get away from the cold, occasionally seemingly trying to climb onto my head. He's enjoying the sea, especially waves which make him squeal with delight, and he enjoys the pool too, the last time launching himself from the side into my arms, often unpredictably, often in response to an awareness of being watched by someone. He likes to put on a performance!

He's developing a lot at the moment, new words, new sentences, greater understanding of concepts, such as numbers. His imagination is also developing. He assures me most earnestly that we have a blue dinosaur outside our front gate. It might be a triceratops. The imagination is vivid and active, as mine always has been, and he has started also waking from anxious dreams, I think caused by daddy not being here, grandad leaving and other uncertainties and unpredictabilities. He has been talking all day about the bad dream he woke from at lunchtime, which is apparently on top of the wardrobe. Something to do with a hurt man - at one point it was the man on the crucifix in the living room, then it was daddy, then it was grandad.

Although we're both tired (developmental sleep disruption enchanced by a bout of final set of molar teething) we're both enjoying being outside most of the time. I think he also enjoys having so much time with mama (and bakica), though he loves chatting to strangers too (if they're men, cats or dogs). I'm also shedding baby bump fat, confirming my suspicion that most of it was bacon, bagel and chocolate fat, not baby. I'm now a more sensible size. Tiring work pushing the munchkin and his apparatus up and down hills, but good to be getting fitter again.

Now, I must go, so I can share our donkey ramble with you. ☺