The plateau

Interesting. I'd assumed that if I'm not sliding down, I'd be climbing up, but it appears that I have found a plateau. It's not a dull level, but more of a pleasant area of nice easy flatland that is verdant and rich. It feels relatively high up, but not at the peak. I like it here. All ready to do a yoga set - decided to stay in and do yoga rather than head to the gym. Later I shall investigate a local Buddhist centre, to see if it's a good place to meditate, then walk into town to meet a friend. I'm going to make today an easy and pleasant one. :-)

Refusal

I've decided. I refuse to go down. I prefer to go up. I am turning around as I type. Decision made.

The mountain

So the lowness has taken me. It used to happen every January and February when my mood would slide down a slippery mountain, until spring arrived. The winters that were partially spent somewhere hot and sunny would be fine too, a kind of elongated early-onset spring that would prevent the slide. I've been working hard the last few weeks, with work, a five-day residential, a weekend of moving house, and so my SAD lamp seemed unimportant, taking valuable time that I felt I should be putting towards unpacking, college work, or something else that seemed equally urgent. Then I started sliding and it reminded me how absolutely essential my lamp is to me, at least in winter, as well as exercise, meditation, laughter, love and distraction. London was great for distraction. Always something to take my mind off the lowness. I pray for the sunshine. I don't think most people quite get exactly how much better the sunshine makes me feel. It shines life into the darkest corners of my mind and brings me clarity and energy.

Anyway, I've spent the day writing - thought I might as well make use of my mood to write the section where my main character is depressed and starts to hallucinate. All moods can be used, as a writer. At least there's that bonus - there is a use for my lowness. Once I'd done as much as I could stomach, I decided to face the world, so I went out and I bought soil and lime green plant pots to go with the bright yellow lounge. Colour is good. On the way home I bought a Big Issue and gave the guy some extra cash in case he feels like I do. I've now re-potted my lovely plants and positioned them in places that I think/hope will help them to grow. I've sorted out the electrics and my lava lamp is on the way to flowing. I've also installed a new multi-way switch thing in the bedroom to make it easier to turn off the lamp, fairy lights and electric blanket. I feel more useful and so I feel more positive about myself.

I intend to spend this evening relaxing and allowing myself to do nothing. I was going to say 'nothing important', but that's the mistake I keep making - this is important. I am doing something very, very important. I hope that tomorrow when I wake up my mood will be lighter and more care-free and I'll start climbing the mountain again.

Birthdays...

So this entry is to wish the very clever re-namer of this blog (2010 was then) a wonderful birthday and a year full of happiness, snow, sunshine, tea, cake, cheese, yummy tofu, happy cars, happy bikes, many camping stoves, leak-proof tents, well-written travelogues, much love and many enjoyable chats with his beloved sister (me). xxxx

The whirlwind is settling

Sand, sea and feelings behind me, Bournemouth seems a long time ago. After a year apart, I finally have the majority of my belongings with me and home feels even more like home. Going back to Salford felt like a circle had completed, like something had finished. Two of my brothers used to live in the community housed in those little poetic streets, I lived there for one summer when I was 17 and I worked hard to earn money for the first time in my life - photo flashes come into my head of newspaper from the 70s lining the carpets, trying to wallpaper the ceiling and, afterwards, trying to wash wallpaper paste out of my hair. Now my nephew lives there and when I collected my stuff I felt like I had finally been able to close the circle on everything that happened there and it was with sadness that I said goodbye - to the poetic streets, Rudyard St, Kipling St, and to the church at the end of the road where the evil dogs chased me and caused me to break my foot. I remembered going back to my brother's that time, for food, sitting in his small living room with my sister, my parents, my aunt and my cousin. It was family time and family moves on. They're still around me and still in my heart, but not like it was then.

I look around me and I smile. Maybe this weekend when the whirlwind stops, I'll be able to stop and enjoy it a little more. This is my home now and my heart glows with warmth and happiness.