The mountain

So the lowness has taken me. It used to happen every January and February when my mood would slide down a slippery mountain, until spring arrived. The winters that were partially spent somewhere hot and sunny would be fine too, a kind of elongated early-onset spring that would prevent the slide. I've been working hard the last few weeks, with work, a five-day residential, a weekend of moving house, and so my SAD lamp seemed unimportant, taking valuable time that I felt I should be putting towards unpacking, college work, or something else that seemed equally urgent. Then I started sliding and it reminded me how absolutely essential my lamp is to me, at least in winter, as well as exercise, meditation, laughter, love and distraction. London was great for distraction. Always something to take my mind off the lowness. I pray for the sunshine. I don't think most people quite get exactly how much better the sunshine makes me feel. It shines life into the darkest corners of my mind and brings me clarity and energy.

Anyway, I've spent the day writing - thought I might as well make use of my mood to write the section where my main character is depressed and starts to hallucinate. All moods can be used, as a writer. At least there's that bonus - there is a use for my lowness. Once I'd done as much as I could stomach, I decided to face the world, so I went out and I bought soil and lime green plant pots to go with the bright yellow lounge. Colour is good. On the way home I bought a Big Issue and gave the guy some extra cash in case he feels like I do. I've now re-potted my lovely plants and positioned them in places that I think/hope will help them to grow. I've sorted out the electrics and my lava lamp is on the way to flowing. I've also installed a new multi-way switch thing in the bedroom to make it easier to turn off the lamp, fairy lights and electric blanket. I feel more useful and so I feel more positive about myself.

I intend to spend this evening relaxing and allowing myself to do nothing. I was going to say 'nothing important', but that's the mistake I keep making - this is important. I am doing something very, very important. I hope that tomorrow when I wake up my mood will be lighter and more care-free and I'll start climbing the mountain again.