White privilege

I have just read an excellent article that much more eloquently explains something I have been trying to put into words for many years. It is about white privilege. I have, on numerous occasions, been told I have to acknowledge my white privilege and I have and do (seeing quite clearly the validity of this), however I sometimes (and this was by no means the majority of my experiences) experienced a sense that acknowledging (for the requesting party) wasn't enough - I was required to feel shame or guilt for my colour. This angered me when I felt (or heard) this expectation, because I don't feel shame or guilt and don't see why I should. Setting everything else aside, how can I be married to someone of a different race if I constantly feel shame or guilt about my colour?

There was also something more, that I failed to convey when I tried to express it myself. It was about acknowledging that I have many privileges, only one of them being my skin colour. I acknowledge all of them and have done so for many years. I have felt very lucky for these 'gifts' and have tried to make the most of what I have been given.

There have been other elements of my life that would definitely not be classed as privilege. Occasionally I have wished they did not exist, but I try not to focus on the downsides and I try to focus on any benefits, because there are so many things I am so grateful for and, overall, I really am very fortunate.

A key point in the article, for me, that I would like to share with you, is this:

"...white people and people of color experience the world in very different ways. But listen: This is not said to make white people feel guilty about their privilege. It's not your fault that you were born with white skin and experience these privileges. But whether you realize it or not, you do benefit from it, and it is your fault if you don't maintain awareness of that fact."

Anyway, here we are. The article I referred to. I hope it enlightens you as it enlightened me. Explaining white privilege.

6.15pm

At 6.15pm, post teatime, post bath time, all bedtime books having been read and milk having been consumed, my son decided he couldn't sleep and he climbed onto my chest, dropped his head and put his little arms around my body, sighed deeply and began to relax.

It took around 20 minutes for him to fall asleep and every time I tried to decant him into his 3-sided cot next to me, he whimpered a little and clung more tightly to me.

I lay in the darkness enjoying the feeling of his cool forehead on my skin, his soft fluffy hair tickling my nose and lips, the sound of his gentle breathing and the occasional shudder or whimper as he began to dream.

My mind wandered back to when I lived in Reading. At 6.15pm I would probably have been in the highly efficient mode of finishing everything for the day in the next 15 minutes or, if my day had gone well, I might be finishing my tea and turning off my computer. I loved my work. I loved the buzz of freelance. Sometimes I would be at my other job and I would have just settled down with my first client of the evening, cosy in our therapy room, my mind intently focused on another person and his or her life. I loved that work too.

Then my mind wandered further back to when I lived in London and 6.15pm was when I would think about turning off my computer and heading out to meet a friend or heading home, walking, cycling, taking the bus or taking the tube (depending on my location, the location of home and my mood), sometimes reading, sometimes listening to music, mostly watching other people, thinking about what I might eat for my dinner or feeling excited about my evening's plans. I loved London. I loved my life in London. I loved the buzz of my busy and varied weeks.

There are times I struggle, with my life as it is now, it is true, but there have always been times that I have struggled. I've never been one for a life of the mundane or for straight lines. It has always been a life of ups and downs and tangents. It has also always been a life of deep appreciation of what I have.

I felt very lucky, lying in the dark with my child, that I have had so much already in my life that I have loved, and now, with my son, I have found true love. Nothing before could have prepared me for this. Nothing before could have compared to this.

A wonderful day in the world of motherhood

While I was running the bath, someone climbed/escaped all the way downstairs again and locked both stair gates (top and bottom) behind him, thus preventing him being able to climb back up again. Result: extreme whimpering.

To be fair though, there has been a lot of whimpering today. Reasons: I put him on the floor so I could turn a light on; I tried to put the 'wrong' bib on him (he wanted the orange one); I tried putting him in his highchair while the wrong bib was in front of him (instead of the orange one); I tried offering him potato when he wanted an olive; I put him on the floor (next to me) so I could go to the toilet; he couldn't put my belt on him; he couldn't undo my belt; he couldn't do his zip up; he couldn't undo his buttons; he couldn't put his socks back on after he took them off; he sprayed himself in the face with cold hose water; he ate too much soil.

There was also a lot of giggling: I put wellies on him; he found the hose; there was water coming out of the hose; rough play (me chucking him around); singing; dancing; playing the tambourine; a new monster glove puppet book I found in a charity shop; me pretending to sleep then waking suddenly to roar at him.

He's also been practicing all his words: banana, clock, mama (lots, especially when he sprayed himself in the face with cold water), dada and pop. He's also been practicing his signs for 'aeroplane' and 'things that go round' (fan, helicopter, cassette tape), waving for hello and goodbye...and, I think, 'more'.

It has been a lovely day.

Mental versus physical

Not sure I'd agree Freud was the greatest (and I'm being polite here), but I absolutely do agree with his suggestion that mental health problems will be explainable by physical causes one day - though some already are. There should not be segregation in treatment of physical and mental health problems. It does not make sense. Most ill health diagnoses have both physical and mental/psychological symptoms and (I am also predicting and have always said) all will have some form of physical/physiological/neurological cause - why arbitrarily assign some to the label of 'physical' and therefore 'normal' and others to the 'mental' category and therefore to be treated with stigma, shame and fear - and less support...??

"The NHS can no longer act as if minds don't matter"

Mostly feeling sorry for ourselves

The family has the lurgy. Feels suspiciously like flu. My lovely little boy played me Classic FM (his choice) for 45 minutes and climbed onto the bed to cuddle me when I was at my worst. As soon as I perked up though, he reverted to a whinging, unhappy snot-teething-tummy-upset monster, and it was my turn to cuddle him. Now my lovely man is making me some plain noodle soup. I love my boys.

Oh and the little one has a new word - hot - for whenever he touches the radiator or oven or sees the kettle. Clever boy.

Screw tops

It might not seem a big thing, but the little one has learned to open screw tops. At first, I thought it was a fluke, but he's done it about four times now - not that I've seen him do it, I've just seen the after effects.

I've been pretty sure he's teething again (10th one on its way - his gums look like snowy covered jelly mountains - white lumps of teeth beneath all over the place), and his achievement today confirmed this. While making his dinner (tiny mushy pasta stars with cheese sauce) and arranging an array of teething-friendly items on a tray (plain yoghurt, fruity fromage frais, cold grapes, cold cucumber, cold tomatoes), I let him play with a pot of frozen sweet potato mash cubes and parsnip mash cubes (which I was planning to heat up and feed to him, as another teething-friendly mushy item). Anyway, next time I looked down at the floor, he'd opened the (screw lid) pot and was happily munching on a frozen sweet potato cube. He appears to have eaten the entire thing (which was quite large), other than the bits all over his face and hands (which ended up on my white jim-jam trousers). I was most impressed with the opening achievement as well as the eating of the item - and it's given me an idea of what to give him next time he's in terrible teething pain.

Anyway, it seemed to help him massively and he's managed to sleep again by a rather earlier time of 6.30pm (he did the same yesterday and slept until 6am - with around 5-6 wake ups in between that required 'mama' (boob) and a snuggly place under my armpit.

Gran Canaria

Deliciously muggy and humid. Sea and mountain air, one in front of me, the other behind me. Boats in the harbour. Rows of modern apartment blocks. Twinkly pinpoints of electric lights and, if I look carefully above the brightness of the manmade night, I see the silver dots of starlight. Sounds of traffic below. The occasional voice. Faint sounds of life in other homes.

My heart delights. My soul feels as if I'm back in Hong Kong. So much feels the same, in touch, scent and sound, although sight tells me that nothing is the same. It is a curious feeling.

Baby steps

I think we've had one or two unaided steps (him walking from one piece of furniture to another or to me), but I can't be sure because I wasn't properly paying attention!

He's definitely more interested in walking now, often choosing to walk holding onto the wall rather than crawling, and quite often an unaided stand occurs while he's trying to use both hands for his investigations of one toy or another.

Won't be long!

Second molar

Second molar! No wonder he's been cranky, poor little poppet. A happier baby now it's through. So we now have six on the top and still only two at the bottom. Surely we'll get more at the bottom soon...

Man and boy time

Man and boy time: park, playground, walk in the woods. Packed off with water and snacks, sling, nappy bag. Maybe buying the boy a helmet.

Me time: garlic toast with avocado and two fried eggs. And (hot) tea. And chocolate with hazelnuts. While reading. Bliss! And what a treat! :-)

First

First birthday. First child. First time mother.

My heart is full of pride and amazement at this child who didn't exist even as a bundle of cells just two years ago. He is so full of wonderment and delight with his world, curious to investigate and explore how everything works, whether natural or man made. He is full of excitement towards everyone he meets, wanting to feel their noses or poke at their eyeballs, testing out his theories and exploring new textures...or simple to hug or kiss those he loves or another child in distress. He loves company, happiest in a social environment, but we are, after all, social creatures. He loves bashing and hitting things to make music, to dance, to be lively and boisterous, but he can also be gentle, stroking cats with the lightest touch, a delicate nature reserved only for animals so far!

My heart is bursting with love for this little person who has already made such a strong and determined mark on his world and on those he meets. My independent little adventurer.

Happy first birthday, my beautiful son.

Delighting in the falling rain

Curious about grass blowing softly in the breeze

My new life

Almost exactly one year ago, to the hour, my labour commenced, and so my new life began to make himself known.

I am so much more relaxed - and so much more physically comfortable, it must be acknowledged - than I was this time last year.

I was almost a mother, then, now I have just become a mother, odd as it may sound, but it has taken me almost a year to fully become a mother, to feel as a mother, to be fully and totally in love with my child.

What a wonderful gift we were about to receive this time last year. Odd to think I had never met him, then, and had no idea what his face would look like. What is now so familiar, was then so unknown.

Beauty

Came across a fascinating link - a journalist sends her photo around the world and asks them to 'make her beautiful' using photoshop. These are the results: http://www.estherhonig.com/#!before--after-/cvkn 

I found most interesting how little some countries changed her face...and how much others changed her (e.g. USA), but also how some changed her to look more like those in their own country - beauty for some is clearly defined by "looking like us" while for others it is "looking different". Beauty - a subject that gives me endless fascination, especially since becoming a mother and seeing beauty of babies through the eyes of their mothers.

Investigations

Kind of self explanatory.

Today's adventures

Most of the day has been sleeping and eating, but we have a minor adventure/mishap.

Picture the scene: me standing outside in bare feet, no keys, no mobile phone, my child in his nappies and t-shirt in my arms, both of us waving "bye bye", the front door slams shut behind us and my friend has just pulled away from the kerb in her car...

...thankfully she spotted my horrified face and realised that my waving arms were no longer saying "bye bye" and she returned. Also thankfully, it turns out she is able to effortlessly scale back fences and was able to come in through the back door (also thankfully left open) and open the front door for us. So many small pieces of luck.

And she made us some delicious dark chocolate and ginger cookies. If luck were cookies, these would be luck too. :-)

What a lovely friend!

An evening of comedy

Usually he poos once a day, early afternoon, before his afternoon nap. Today he did three and the third was just before bath time and I wasn't expecting it.

You have to understand that he *never* poos around bath time. Not since his second bath when he was just over a month old and pooed in his towel - that dribbly newborn poo that is bright yellow and trickles everywhere, so it dribbled down me and onto the carpet. Anyway, since then, he never poos around bath time. Except today, the bath beautifully bubbly and warm, all set up for a nice cosy wash, I took his clothes off while he stood next to the bath, and he held his arms in the air for me to pull off his top, and stepped out of his trousers once I'd pulled them down...and then as I took off his nappy, I saw a big brown lump stuck in his bottom...as I realised the only thing to do would be to remove it with my hands and put it in the toilet...my left hand up to the task (now covered in poo) my right hand rescuing the nappy he was about the throw into the bath...I somehow (did I have a third hand somewhere??) managed to wash my left hand while holding the nappy in my right, ran to the bedroom, chucked the nappy in the bucket, grabbed some wet wipes and a nappy bag and wiped the rest of the poo off his bottom before it managed to spread anywhere/everywhere, like the pink stuff in the Cat in the Hat Comes Back (I think it's that one)...success! Only to find he'd thrown his towel into the bath.

He's now asleep and I'm almost done. Just have to clean poo out of the sink, retrieve the wet towel from the bathroom, put all today's snot covered clothes into the laundry basket (because wiping his nose on me or him is better than in a tissue, despite my best efforts at explaining that tissue use would mean more mama-baby time, because I'd spend less time cleaning everything else).

And, very soon, a well-deserved cup of tea.
 

I know my son

So the boy slept 11 hours last night, with a solid, silent six-hour stretch in the middle (11pm to wake up time at 5am). I was amazed, then realised it probably meant he was poorly...and indeed I was greeted with a snotty cough monster. I know my boy. When he sleeps 'properly' it usually means he is ill. He's now been 'napping' almost two hours too.

Health visitors tell me this is how he should sleep all the time, but a sign of a healthy child in our house is one who doesn't sleep that much. :-)

First tomato

Hurrah!

Clarifying my reality as a mother

Following a conversation with a friend recently, I've been pondering the issue of me blogging and posting my experiences online. It seems that (at least to her), I give the impression of my approach to parenting being exhausting and unsustainable. That I'm really struggling. At least, that was my take on her comments to me. And to clarify, the key elements, for me, of this approach, is on demand exclusive breastfeeding (for now, weaning also being baby led), co-sleeping and babywearing (as much as possible). It is also hearing my child's cry as a way of him trying (sometimes desperately) to tell me something and hearing it as a sound that should be responded to as if an adult were trying to tell me something (i.e. that I respond to immediately).

I had no idea I might come across as someone struggling in the depths and starting to drown. I have plenty of float left in me, rest assured! I still have no idea if this is a common perception from my posts. It is not my intention. I don't want pity - I don't need it. I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me - yes, it was my choice to have a child, yes, it was my choice to take the approach we have taken (in some ways maybe harder than other approaches in the early years, though I am hoping it pays off in the long run!), but no, it wasn't my choice to have a child who is very demanding - he is wonderful, adorable, delightful, a beautiful soul, and I wouldn't change him for the world, but he is demanding and exhausting, wanting constant attention. Without yet speaking, he is as a child (as I was) that asks questions incessantly, without pausing to think, sometimes without pausing to hear the answer, somehow multitasking in hearing the response while thinking up and asking the next question. He gets bored easily and is intensely interested in the world around him - how it works, how to disassemble it. This is partly why I feel our chosen parenting approach works best for him - it calms him and makes him feel happy and secure and attended to.

Many things in life have, at times, felt unsustainable to me. Parenting is one of them. Some of them I could walk away from. Others I couldn't or chose not to. This is one I will never walk away from (except the occasional ten minutes to calm down or take a deep breath). A million times a day I question whether I am good enough, whether I can be the mother he needs, whether I take the best approach with my child to give him the best chance in life of being who he wants to be - not because I am necessarily unsure (though sometimes I am), but because everything in life needs attention and adjustment from time to time; a million times a day I also know I am the best mother he could have, I rejoice in his achievements and I laugh just because he is smiling or reaching up to me or snuggling or climbing over me with his spiky little fists and toes digging into my ribs.

If I give the impression I am struggling, maybe I am, or maybe I just need to share and hope for sympathy or support or empathy from others, especially from mothers who take the same approach to parenting as I do. What I don't want is anyone to assume I would do things differently. I have no desire to change how those around me parent and I am happy for them that their approach works with their child and for their family, but I don't want to be converted to their way of thinking or doing or being. I am not interested in parenting in someone else's style. This is my style. I can't do it any differently. What we do, works best for us. I am a fairly melodramatic person - at least, that is how the unkind might describe me. I describe myself as someone who feels intensely - the ups and downs are far apart. My approach to everything is deeply thought through and I am passionate about how I approach things - especially something as important as parenting. So please, don't get me wrong. Yes, I struggle (doesn't everyone?), but I am not drowning and I wouldn't change my life for anything. I am not always happy - this is not possible - but I am as happy as I wish to be with what I have. This, in my mind, is amazing.

Thanks for listening. :-)

Words

He said "cat" today. Repeatedly. Starting with "ca", then "at" and finally "cat", quite a few times.

He was saying "cat" excitedly while stroking next door's cat. Nicely too, not smacking it like he smacks me. ‪

This is his fourth word, after mama, milk and dada. Though milk is sometimes "meh" and sometimes "na na", presumably because I say "Let's go for a nap nap" then offer him the boob. Poor child confused by his mama. Must explain to him that "nap nap" is the sleeping bit, not the milky bit.

Dinner

Salmon and pea risotto. Yum. Pak choi with garlic and ginger. Yum. And this. Double yum. Yes, it's jellyfish. :-)

Feeding to sleep

Can anyone tell me why it's bad to feed a baby to sleep?

This was a recent post on a La Leche League page yesterday. I was asking the same question myself a few months back, when (it seemed) streams of health visitors kept telling me I shouldn't feed my child to sleep and that he really should have learned to self soothe by now (this was at six months!). My response was, "Why not, when he obviously finds it comforting and it works?" It still is, with my infant almost 12 months old. I can't for the life of me understand why you wouldn't use a method that works and makes everyone happy. He falls asleep usually with ten minutes or so (though sometimes up to half an hour after feeding, now he's bigger, with a little crawling around and flopping on his belly), but he's peaceful and contented.

Anyway, someone else shared this quote, which I also wanted to share here (it is apparently from this site: http://kellymom.com/).

"Breastfeeding is obviously designed to comfort and help a child sleep. Breastfeeding calms a child and can even help your child handle stress better when not breastfeeding (Beijers et al, 2013). Sucking releases the hormone cholecystokinin (CCK) in both mother and baby, which results in a sleepy feeling (Uvnäs-Moberg et al, 1993). In addition, breastmilk also contains sleep-inducing hormones, amino acids, and nucleotides, whose concentrations are higher during the night and may actually help babies establish their own circadian rhythms (Sánchez et al, 2009, Cohen et al, 2012)."

I've recently been reading Attachment Parenting by Sears and Sears, which shows evidence that co-sleeping, babywearing (carrying baby in a sling) and on demand breastfeeding (which for us includes feeding to sleep), can help with all sorts of things, including preventing anxiety and depression (not just as children, but into adulthood), obesity, late onset diabetes...and in the short term, they all make baby happier, calmer, more confident, more secure and, possible counter intuitively, more independent...but only when baby is ready to be independent.

Another book I'm in the middle of reading is called What every parent needs to know by Margot Sunderland. This looks at the relative immaturity of the human infant (in comparison to, for example, other primates), including the immaturity of their brains. They are born immature, due to bipedalism and narrower female hips. Regardless of the hows and what you believe, human babies are born as external foetuses - they cannot survive on their own physically or emotionally. They don't have the physiological ability to self soothe, in terms of how their brains and bodies work. They need their mothers (and fathers) as an external regulator and soother of their emotions, because they can't yet do it themselves - and don't know how to either. This is exactly what I do as a counsellor (for adults who did not receive enough of this as infants, presumably) - I hold and contain their emotions for them, in a way, allowing through just to the limit of what they can handle and cope with and process, and allowing more to flow through once they are ready. A supervisor once said to me, as a counsellor, that I should empty my body of myself and become an empty vessel in which I can feel the other person. I am never fully empty of myself, but myself gets perhaps put in a little box in the corner of my mind and heart, so I can fully focus on the other. As with an infant, he cannot cope with the overwhelming feelings he experiences and so he gets into mini rages, frustrated crying, bawling with shock or fear...so I hold him and feel what he is feeling, and I help his body to calm and explain to him what he is experiencing and, by holding him and being soothing, I show him how to re-regulate his inner world. Leaving a baby to cry it out may stop him crying, but this is because he has given up - he has learned there is no point in asking for help (which is what crying is), because he won't get it. 

Anyway, I remain of the opinion that why shouldn't I feed my child to sleep if it works for us all? He's not even a year old. He still has so much to learn. He is still only very young, in the big scheme of things. 

If he were 18 and off to college, then we'd be having a different conversation! For now, I remain in full disagreement with all but one of the health visitors I have spoken with. That one being a woman from Africa who told me she carried each of her children on her back until they were at least one and helped them to sleep (by rocking or feeding) as long as they needed it.

Meh

Meh (milk) was today accompanied by the sign for milk! Hurrah! It works! :-)

Sleepathon

Wow…last night I slept in the guest room, leaving the man with the boy to see if it impacted feeding times.

Down from 5-6 feeds a night, to...one feed at 11pm and one and 4am and STILL asleep at almost 7am…though he WAS awake for a whole hour after each feed.

Not sure where the man is…possibly he's overslept and is still in the bedroom. Must go check...

New skills for the weekend

Climbing up the entire length of stairs (to an excitable 3 year old).

Saying 'meh' regularly to mean 'milk'.

Giving me things when I ask for them - like pegs when I'm hanging up washing (helpful boy!) or a kiss.

Putting things into boxes (rather than just taking them out).

Waving.

Climbing into the living room from the garden (not a first this weekend, but perfected with a climb, then a combat roll onto the carpet).

Climbing up and over small walls (in soft play) - landing on face and doing combat roll as above.

Eating lumpy stuff (bolognese sauce) off a spoon (though admittedly spitting it out again).

Eating a prawn.

Eating pasta and spaghetti.

Waiting on the edge of the bed for me to pick him up after he has woken from his nap.

Food

Mostly edible stuff.

Birthday of the man

Rather pleased with my first cake!

Today's sling walk

And now we have a napping boy.

20 - 6 = 14

Sixth tooth has just started popping out - hurrah!

A couple more days, then the pain/sleeplessness will only be x14. Yay!

The truth about truth

Apologies to those sensitive to the crude(ish) language. I am sure you can appreciate the meaning anyway.

This made me chuckle lots. It is so very, very true!

Amusing images from childhood

Today I made my first squid risotto and both adults in the house loved it. So did the little man and the amusing image of him with squid legs sticking out of his little mouth is not one I shall forget for a long time! His love of rice continues and he complemented his meal with avocado and tomato. Definitely making that again.

Top ten

Current favourites foods:

- gherkins
- polenta
- plain yoghurt
- butter (licked off bread or rice cake)
- cream cheese (licked off bread or rice cake)
- rice
- soup
- plums
- apple (preferable whole and skinned)
- blitva (a bit like spinach)

My child definitely has Croat in him!

In the absence of sunshine...

...we went for a lovely walk exploring some winding roads I have never before explored...

...we had a lovely swim in the pool without worrying about sunburn or heatstroke...

...we will sleep and have slept well in the cooler temperatures...

and

...I shall now eat pancakes.

Spoke too soon

No tea and book but at least we're both bright as buttons now!

Today's joy

Had the most awful night, but as it was thundering and raining this morning, we stayed in our PJs. Just woken from a most delicious and unexpected hour-long nap and the boy is still sleeping. Feeling divinely rested. :-) Time for tea and book while I sit next to the heavy breather and the thunder continues to rumble outside. I feel more myself than I have in ages!

10 months and 1 day

He can now open doors.

He's been learning the open-shut concept a while, but today he opened the garden gate by standing on his tip-toes and pulling down the handle. I praised him and told him he was a clever boy, but gently told him that he needed to be careful, because he cannot yet stand and the door opens inwards, which means he falls on his bum once the gate is open and swings towards him.

Every day, something new.

He's also taken to napping only once a day, for an hour or less, which is rather tiring, but does mean he falls asleep very quickly in the evening. More time for me in the evening, but a more tired me in the evening...and a very tired little boy!

The world is so exciting. Tomorrow is for sleep.

Ready for bed and it's still morning

Or...

...advantages of waking at 6.20am (after a night of cracking thunder and gentle rain) is that we have been for a lovely long walk up to Sveta Ana and back ('we' being me walking and Solly chilling in the sling, obviously) appreciating the beautiful view across Rovenska where the sea glistened silver behind the church and the sky swirled with grey, silver, blue and white. We have played in the garden, we have put on a nappy wash, we have cleaned the whole flat and changed the bed, we have played with ladles and bells, we have managed to fit in two poos and cleaned out our little belly, we have spoken with 'daddy', we have responded to all emails and messages...and 'we' are now napping and it's only 11.30am. Please make your own assumptions as to what each 'we' means!!

Time for a cup of tea, a nap or a read of a chapter of my book...perhaps all three if I'm very lucky.

And another morning in Croatia

Toward the main harbour, just visible; and on the way home - squeezing just between the church and the yellow house.

Another beach morning

The other day.







Rovenska, again, on the way to Rovenska beach, and beyond Rovenska, towards Javorna

Rovenska

Taken on the way to the beach this morning.

Today...

...we are 10 months old!

End of the food strike

So he's not been eating. Nothing at all for days, except maybe the odd (Organix) carrot stick (like a non-cheesy healthy carrot wotsit) and the yoghurt of yester-evening.

Today he did the mother of all poos this morning, followed, throughout the day, by another three. He has also been dribbling snot everywhere. And clingy, cuddling and wanting to be held (and wiping his snot on me) all day.

Breakfast was breastmilk and butter (licked off his toast).

His lunch was breastmilk and licking the olive oil and dried rosemary off a very long handled wooden spoon (used to cook mushrooms and courgettes), then playing with it and waving it precariously close to Bakica's face. She was alarmed.

He seemed to cheer up a little when I placed him in front of a dried apricot. This evening - information which I am sure is dull for most, but exciting for me - he ate more yoghurt (almost three tablespoons full), dried apricot, courgette, tomato, pineapple and apple. He was happy. I was very happy. My boy is back to normal, for at least one meal.

He ate, he played peekaboo behind his favourite green cowboy cushion, he wriggled, he smiled, he happily had his bath and stood up to climb out once he'd had enough, wasn't too irate with the nappy putting on (though tried to take off his short sleeved vest - essential to prevent removal of velco-tabbed nappy), he chose his three books of the evening and practiced turning pages one by one (without my assistance and brrrm brrrmed me if I attempted to assist), happily let me turn out the light (night night to the tractor book, the lion book and the weather book), fed and fell asleep. It's been a wonderfully easy evening.

I hope it predicts the night.

My only sadness is that our new friends are leaving on Sunday and so tomorrow is our last day of fun and playtime with them - hopefully it won't thunder ALL day (the current forecast for tomorrow).

Now it is time for me to drink my tea and go to bed...

Disconnected

I've been prompted to write by an article I just read called I miss the village.

At university I lived in shared houses - first a flat in halls, with seven other girls, with boys in the flats above and below, and we wandered into each others' homes and rooms as if they were our homes too.

In my 10 years in London, I chose to live in house share. Sometimes with one other, the most with five others, and all of these homes I loved. There were challenges as we disagreed on rules, none of the rules discussed in advance, and it worked best in those homes where things could be talked about and agreed and changed...it worked best where we had a cleaner, especially in those homes where disagreements couldn't be discussed (because the English love to avoid conflict). Despite the challenges and arguments, it never occurred to me to live alone. I don't remember ever being alone as a child, except when I was unhappy. All my happy memories are full of other people, often too many in a small space. My energy comes through being with others, though, of course, as is normal, I sometimes crave my own space and need some time out, alone, to just breathe...

.
.
.

But, I find I breathe best and most deeply and most clearly with the support of friends, with love in the room next to mine, with a cup of tea waiting for me on the table that I did not have to make myself, where I can do all the cleaning and cooking and tidying when I have the energy and you do not...where someone else can give me a hug and tell me to lie down and sleep when I'm not able to make this judgement for myself.

I work best in a community. I am happiest in company. I enjoy the flow of group energy, where everyone pitches in and deals with what needs to be dealt with, working as one, like the all the toes on a foot, taking the weight when it's turn comes.

I long to live with other families, not alone, though I do adore my own small family too. It's not a sign of not appreciating what I have and not wanting what I have. It's a sign of knowing I'd be happier with something slightly different.

I hope, maybe, one day, we will live in a co-housing space...or maybe, even better, one day, we can find land and build homes with those we love...but we shall see...time will tell.

My well of peace

Let's start with the lows (always good to end on a positive note):

- Boy fed lots overnight and left me feeling rather weary
- Boy was restless all night, crawled over to me and slept on me quite a lot, preventing a toilet pit-stop for about an hour
- Woke very early (boy woke me up)
- Had only five minutes nap time today (for me)
- Both the boy's naps were in the sling
- We only managed one swim - boy too tired and cranky to go to second swim
- Boy wouldn't eat breakfast or lunch
- Boy took ages to fall asleep and fell asleep finally on my shoulder, and I had to attempt extrication twice before I could leave

Highs of the day:

- Boy's excessive feeding will either (a) allow me to eat more chocolate and spek or (b) trim my thighs and tummy or (c) both 'a' and 'b', if I'm lucky
- Prevention of wee pit-stop will strengthen my pelvic floor muscles
- Boy woke me smiling, as he always does
- Five minutes nap left me feeling more able to cope with the day
- It was lovely to have my boy snuggled against me for his first nap and it gave me time to sort through my photos on my camera, and for his second nap I was able to decant him and have lunch very peacefully with my mama
- My lovely new friend looked after the boy so I could have a delicious cool swim in the calm waters
- The boy's new friend came with his mama to play in the garden and both (slightly cranky) babies were happier
- Boy ate an enormous amount of yoghurt for his dinner, plus one 'Organix' carrot stick - and his lack of food for the first two meals meant that he breastfed more (with the same result as my first positive point)
- Now that I no longer try to get my boy to sleep and just enjoy his snuggling and pre-sleep staggering, I love the going to bed process - it is such a short period of his life and I have nothing better to do with my evenings right now! And, during his snuggling and falling asleep on my shoulder, I was able to do some of my core exercises to strengthen my tummy, which will help prevent back pain.

I have just enjoyed a lovely shower and hair wash, eaten the second half of my dinner in peace (albeit in darkness) and have had time to write this.

By writing about the same things in both lists, my point (made in a possibly slightly monotonous manner), is that everything can be seen as good or bad. Going back to my post of a previous day, if I cannot find peace in my own life, how can I expect our world leaders to find peace on a larger scale, without being hugely hypocritical?

Today I have found a lovely deep well of peace.

Contemplations on war

I realise that it scares me to have my child growing up in a world where adults cannot resolve conflict without using deeply aggressive and hate-filled behaviour - or where adults cannot live in peace. I am not taking sides, but there has to be a better way for both sides.

Makes me really focus on my own behaviour too...obviously on a much smaller scale than the Israeli/Palestinian conflict...but if we cannot resolve our own conflicts, how can we expect our leaders to resolve conflict on a larger scale?


Prompted by these two articles/pages:

http://www.buzzfeed.com/rossalynwarren/jewish-and-arab-people-are-posing-together-in-inspiring-phot

http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2014/jul/18/father-children-gaza-bloodshed-palestinians-israelis

Business daydreams

Not much to report - the little man is napping.

At Rovenska, the air was breezy and the skies cloudy, but lovely. The water was cold and choppy and not to the little man's taste. He was distinctly unimpressed with me for dipping his toes in, so I extracted him and got him fully dressed - shorts and t-shirt, just nappies will not do today! He fed...almost fell asleep, then heard something and opened his eyes, sat up and started grinning and chomping at the bit - and with this metaphor I am not talking about me as the bit - no he was tugging on my arms trying to crawl off across the beach to his new little girl friend, who is just two weeks older than he is.

Unfortunately this meant no swimming for me today, as he was in desperate need of sleep, so we packed up and he happily fell asleep on the way home and is now snoozing in his buggy in the living room, his watering can tucked nicely under his chin.

Some of his nappies are dry and in the bedroom ready for use. The others I have strategically arranged around the garden to maximise sun-time.

I've been thinking about the businesses here. The bar/cafe at Rovenska repeatedly fails. It is open, it fails and closes down, and then someone else opens it. Every single time they make people pay for the use of toilets (which remain closed), sun loungers (which cover most of the beach, empty) and sunshades (which stand, closed, in a corner). It doesn't make sense. There are no improvements or renovations to the bar. I can picture it in my head, renovated, with sofas, wicker floors, floor standing lamps for the evening and mosquito netting windows with shutters. Some people sitting alone, reading a book, with tea or coffee, or, even, a beer. Families lunching. Couples enjoying a sunset cocktail. I can see rag rugs covering the floors. I can imagine free sun loungers and sunshades, and a person (probably an attractive woman or muscular man) wandering around offering cocktails (alcoholic and fruit juice), water and snacks and I can imagine this offering a much more pleasant environment. It's the same up at Punta, near the paddling pools. There is no shade for the children over the shallow baby pools or next to the pools. There are no bars to buy snacks and light lunches. Both places are perfect for small children, and both places I could imagine spending the day if they were more suitably equipped and kitted out. With good marketing, they could make more money, but all this requires investment. It's a shame. They both could be lovely (as opposed to 'acceptable') and more people would come...and more people would stay...and people would spend more.

Anyway, the chicken soup is cooking its dumplings (courtesy of Bakica) and the sky is clouding over again. Time for me to stop indulging myself with my laptop and indulging myself with day dreams.

Update on sleepy time (mark 2)

So, the boy is struggling to nap in the daytime again - unfortunately things like his Bakica sweeping, or the sound of rain outside or the rustling of plastic bags, or anything vaguely exciting, stops him falling asleep. So I resorted to the sling again. And now he's napping very happily.

His overnight sleep the last three nights has been amazing however. He's been going to bed around 8pm (7pm home time) and waking between 7am and 8am (6am and 7am home time). This means he's finally getting a good long nighttime sleep stretch. He's waking up an awful lot to feed and also to do his staggering around the cot, though usually he just wakes to wriggle his little body closer to me and to flop onto my belly, shoulder or chest so he can continue his sleep closer to me.

His nighttime antics are melting my heart at the moment and I feel so acutely aware that they will be short-lived and on a very nearby day, not far into the future, he will no longer need me on a daily basis to snuggle to, or to help him sleep or cuddle while he dreams. So I shall enjoy them for what they are - a very sweet, loving and temporary nighttime phase.

5 down, 15 to go

Fifth tooth has made an appearance and his sleep and nap times are finally beginning to settle a little. Hurrah.

Sleepathon

Wow - he woke at 7.40am! I think the darkness and sound of thunder and rain kept him sleeping, but I was able to do my exercises even after a long snooze. How delicious!

Update to sleepy time

We woke at 7am!!! Woweeee, hurrah, hooray!

Admittedly, he woke first at 5am but I was too shattered to contemplate moving, so I pretended to be asleep and he did his standing/staggering/crawling routine, until he finally fell asleep again on my neck. Not especially comfortable, but I managed to sleep a little, before rolling him off my throat and dead left arm.

Success...and a sleeping baby until 7am. :-)

Sleepy time

Last few nights the boy has taken to standing up and charging around the bed after his bedtime feed - rather than sleepily dozing in my lap and allowing me to transfer him to the bed, where he curls over onto his left, then onto his tummy, rubs his nose in the sheet, rubs his feet in the sheet, cuddles his bunny and falls properly asleep.

The main problem with this charging around has been that he's been trying to get his little fingers into an un-earthed socket, so I've been having to pick him up and lay him down - or trying to put him to play in his cot (which he totally disowns as his, preferring my bed). This has caused crying, screaming, stropping and general signs of displeasure.

Today I finally got round to putting sticky tape over the sockets and rearranging the bedroom so that the bed area is safe (apart from some sharp rusty nails sticking out of the headboard, which conveniently broke yesterday, but that's a job for another day and the nails are currently covered with my pillow, which for some (happy) reason is unappealing game for the boy).

Anyway, when he did his usual standing up and crawling around routine this evening, although it lasted a long time, I remained peaceful and pretended to be asleep. He smacked my cheeks and my tummy and my bum in the hope of 'rousing' me, but to no avail, though I was able to cuddle him and gently stroke him in my 'sleep', and slowly slowly he started making his pre-sleep grunting sound and his movements became slower and slower until finally he flopped on his belly next to my left shin. I chucked over his bunny and, cuddling my foot, he fell asleep chewing his bunny's face off. I successfully moved him up near where my head shall be when I go to bed (which is in about six minutes), so that I don't inadvertently kick him in the head while we sleep.

Well done my little one for falling asleep on your own! There is hope then, without ever having to resort to sleep training or any other system that I don't believe in. My little one will learn when he is ready.

And hopefully we'll sleep more peacefully tonight than last night and the bed will be sufficient for him (rather than on my tummy or chest or in my armpit).

Night night all from a happy ninki-mama.

Clap clap clap!

He's started clapping! Yesterday was his first clap, that I saw anyway.

I said "clap clap" and clapped with him and he grinned excitedly and clapped again. He loves the clapping.

Recognition of self

Little one is starting to become aware of himself.

A few days ago he was playing with his shadow hand in the rays of sunlight coming through the window and has been curious about shadows for a while - to which I have been offering the explanation of sunshine being light and not being able to get through our bodies properly, so we cast darkness in front of us (or behind us).

Yesterday he showed the first real sign of recognition in a mirror. I'm sure he's been slowly understanding when I explain that it is mama and S in the mirror...or daddy and S...etc, but yesterday I put a little yellow sand sifter on his head and he couldn't find it, so I held up a mirror in front of him and he raised his hand to his head to feel for it. I was delighted. Such small things delight me about my child.

Perhaps this is why he is so clingy at the moment and upped his feeds so much - the heat, the unfamiliarity, but also this huge period of developmental leaps and greater separation of self from his mama.

Learning

Well I've been barely sleeping, because my child has been sleeping barely at all in the day and only just longer than I'd like to sleep at night, but with up to six feeds over night.

He's so interested in things and curious about everything. Last couple of days he's learned to climb up and down single steps, turn pages of his books, turn lights on and off, open doors (desperately trying to reach door handles if they close properly), chase ants, use his fork (to eat overly slippery mushrooms that his little fingers couldn't hold onto) and roll an orange around the floor. He is constantly investigating and repeating his experiments to try and understand how the world around him works.

I am proud of his efforts and his interactions with his world - both with inanimate objects and with people - but it is utterly exhausting.

This morning (while his Bakica has taken him on his second walk of the day in the hope he naps), I have put together a schedule and routine to try and work from. We're also going to try a playgroup with the nuns, three times a week, I think, so that he can have more company...my little extrovert's needs will be better met.

It's lovely to have time to type, I realise, the feelings of fingers tapping on keys. It's relaxing and therapeutic...also to have my thoughts spill out of my head and onto the screen, leaving my mind emptier and more relaxed. I listen to other people's mornings begin - sound of cutlery on crockery, sound of frying something, maybe polenta. I hear the blackbird singing on top of the fir...I hear the sound of the cicadas croaking up and all around me, as if the air is made of the stuff of their calls...I hear Croatian voices chatting, muffled...I hear distant sounds of motorbikes, dogs barking, children playing. The sounds are peaceful and they are starting to infuse my brain. I need more time to write.

Time to sign off. My little investigator has returned from his walk - wide awake now, having napped his usual 30 minutes.

Life is precious

He's discovered ants. He's been chasing them around the garden, poking them, trying to catch them (thankfully not dextrous enough yet) and occasionally maiming them. I've been trying to explain how to be gentle with them and not poke them too hard, but I'm not convinced it's being understood.

He also walked today, zimmer-frame style, using a chair to push along in front of him, twice. Though not to be repeated for video - he chose to eat the chair instead then. Not sure he knew what he was doing (the walking bit, not the eating bit), but his little legs are sturdier every day. Soon...

It's been a wonderful day of discoveries for him and he has napped well and fallen asleep well this evening too. Fingers crossed for peaceful sleep.

Thunder forecast for tomorrow, so we shall see what the day brings.

Discoveries

Yesterday we discovered the sea and had great delight dipping in our toes.

Today we have discovered dust floating in sunshine, cobwebs under the kitchen table and the shadows of our hands.

He also had great joy speaking to his daddy via video chat.

A very happy little baby this morning.

And it's only 8am!

Sushi - first attempt

Tidy ones are mine. Chicken, avocado, shiitake mushroom and chives. Untidy ones are the man's! Egg, chives and cucumber. Yum.

Our poppy

I was going to take a photo of our only poppy, but the boy got to it first!

Baby brain

This post has been brewing a while and as my son sleeps a mega sleep upstairs, I find I can't snooze too, because I have these words running around my mind.

I don't believe in baby brain. There, I've said it. My feminist side says that it was a concept created by men who didn't want women with babies returning to the workforce. Why? Well now, there's the question and I don't have a definitive answer to that.

Women with children can be scary and not afraid of speaking their minds. For many, their priorities have changed and they no longer care as much about things that don't matter - things that are not of life and death i.e. work. These attitudes can be threatening. Dismissing them as 'baby brain' trivialises them and means they don't need to be taken seriously or dealt with. Everyone else can trot along in the old way of focusing on things that really don't matter in the big scheme of things, and avoid facing the deeper issues of meaning and existence...or simply, avoid facing the fact that their lives are not quite what they wish them to be.

Of course, I'm not talking about everyone...just a select few that I have had the misfortune to come across in my life.

My brain is not as effective as it was, it is true, but I firmly believe that this is down to sleep deprivation. On days when I feel rested, my brain functions perfectly effectively, as good as before, if not better, with my new filter that is better at ignoring the stuff that really doesn't matter.

Anyway, the debate opens and thoughts are welcome.

Today's highlights

Breakfast was mainly butter (licked off the toast)

Lunch was one strip of chicken and guacamole*

Lunch was also wanting the last of my fajita and pulling it apart and smearing it over his face*

Tea was lettuce with guacamole* and a chunk of pear, with a mini chew of a mushroom (refusal of salmon and baby sweetcorn)

Today he learned to climb stairs...or rather he climbed one stair to get to his Bakica on Skype - again the laptop proves to be a marvellous incentive (I placed her on the third step in the hope he wouldn't be able to get to the laptop - my hopes were dashed in the face of his gleeful achievement)

Today he discovered my belly button stud and wanted to eat it (it was still attached to me, so that's fine, it poses no choking hazard!) - it also successfully distracted him from a major crying session (following him pouring his water over the kitchen floor and slipping over on it, and banging his head)

Today he also learned to shake a shaker on request, rather than just eating it

He has taken to staggering around his cot and flopping on his belly repeatedly to get to sleep - today he flopped onto and fell asleep on my arm and I was too scared to moved it for 15 minutes so I had a lovely snooze while I worked hard being his pillow

Successful removal of pins and needle arm without waking baby

My banana and pecan loaf failed visually but gets ten points for flavour

Nappy wash done, second load on, house clean and tidy again, car failed MOT and repaired and then passed and returned, tomorrow's lunch made for the man

Just got to do some sewing, hang the nappies out on the line and eat more banana loaf.

---

* For elderly relatives:

- Guacamole is avocado mashed up with tomatoes, chillies and yoghurt - in my case soya yoghurt and also some ground cumin, cayenne pepper and cinnamon, plus chives and spring onion, with a dash of cider vinegar (in the absence of lime or lemon juice)
- Fajitas are flat breads filled with sauce of chicken, onions, peppers, tomatoes and mushrooms with chilli, yoghurt, guacamole, lettuce and (for most people) cheese

Both guacamole and fajitas are messy in the hands of a nine month old.

First real crop

Ovulation post pregnancy

Interesting. Sling carrying/baby wearing, co-sleeping, high feed levels (day and night) and comfort suckling all contribute to a later recommencement of ovulation: http://www.babycentre.co.uk/x553497/im-breastfeeding-so-why-have-my-periods-started-again.

Sorry if it's too much information, but I find it fascinating as I haven't had a period in around 18 months now, which is clearly great for me. No more babies for a while though!

Post yoga retreat

Oh, and the first thing I did, upon arriving home after my yoga retreat was to consume a large bar of dark chocolate with a nice cup of tea, followed by a big fat juicy steak with salad...and then I tidied everything away.

Unexpected occurrences

Last week was awful. My back seized up on Tuesday, thankfully minutes before the man was due to leave for work, and he had to take the next two days off work to look after me and the boy. It was awful. For a few days I couldn't walk or bend or lift anything (or anyone) and I felt terrible that I couldn't carry or cuddle my little boy - I couldn't do the one job that is mine, and mine alone. He became clingier than usual over night and seemed to want to sleep in the crook of my armpit all night all long - rather painful with a seized up back.

The strong anti-inflammatories and cocodomol, by the third day, did their job. So well, in fact, that I didn't notice that the heat patches I was wearing on my back had created a long string of blisters - two burst revealing raw weeping flesh beneath. I felt rather sorry for myself, but literally only for a moment, before the self-pity disappeared. Something changed in me last week. I like to think it wasn't just the drugs chilling me out, but I suddenly, out of nowhere, didn't see the point in being upset or stressed or cross.

Anyway, we were booked onto a yoga weekend, camping, with the boy's auntie and a good friend, and I was a bit gutted (again only momentarily) that I wouldn't be able to do any yoga.

We arrived later than we'd hoped, in baking sun, and soon realised that the camping set up wasn't going to work. One of the lovely organisers decided to assign us the best room in the house "just in case" so we moved up there after about an hour of faffing - me feeling we ought to camp anyway for a while, and finally accepting we should just do what was easiest.

That night we had the most enormous thunderstorm for over an hour, right overhead. No-one slept a wink, except my boy, just snuggling closer with the loudest claps.

The weekend was wonderful. My sister and friend helped lots with sling carrying/naptime and we were flexible about his routine. He ate well. He slept well (though his bedtime didn't work - too much noise and scared of the shower - and he fell asleep a few hours later than usual on both nights). He loved the group energy, the singing and the smiling faces around him. He loved the attention and charmed his way into the hearts of everyone. He loved investigating and exploring all the new people and their dreadlocks, their beards, their sparkly clothing, their sheepskin rugs...and the panelling and detail of the beautiful old house we were in. He crawled into the laps of strangers, looking up at their faces as they sang songs, and then moving on to the next person, pulling himself up to standing to tug at the arm or scarf of those around him. I felt so very proud of him and of myself for helping him to be so confident and self-assured, for helping him to feel comfortable in exploring his environment without fear.

He has also just learned about object permanence (knowing things are still there when they're hidden), cleverly removing blankets designed to cover electronics and digital equipment, minutes after I've hidden them. It seems that literally nothing is safe now, unless it's over a foot above him!

Anyway, our first experience of a yoga retreat was such a joy that it has given me confidence and a desire to do it again. The start of a new life for my little one. And thank you to his lovely auntie and my friend. :-)

Storm has arrived

Five big thunder claps already, hurrah! Headache is already easing. :-)

Storm coming

Banging headache...hope the thunder comes soon!

Experimental

Once the boy wakes up, we're having scrambled eggs with chive flower, flat mushrooms and courgette, with homemade bread.

He eats all these items separately, with both of our first taste of chive flower fresh from the plant yesterday, deliciously dressed in rainwater, so we'll see what he makes of them all together!

Post tooth bedtime

Not entirely sure what else changed in my boy when his first two teeth popped out, but this evening, instead of his usual fairly quiet evening fall asleep routine, he spent half an hour crawling around his cot and flopping down on his tummy, rubbing his head into the mattress, my legs, my tummy, then grabbing my trouser leg with his teeth and tugging, crawling around again...chatting all the time, before finally flopping on his belly in a seemingly asleep pose. I left it ten minutes before stealthily, ninja like, rolling off the bed, and his little hand shot out and grabbed mine, preventing me leaving. He did this little hand grabbing thing twice, melting my heart, so I lay next to him (not because of the heart being melted and physically preventing me, but because of the heart metaphorically melting and preventing me), and I waited until he'd properly fallen asleep.

Had all four sides been on his cot, I wonder if he'd have fallen asleep on his own, but unfortunately his pre-bathtime routine usually has him in his cot listening to music. Today I heard a tiny sound and popped in to the bedroom to see him (mid bath being run) and he had hiked over two pillows and a piled up duvet and abseiled down the other side, and was making a run for the edge of the bed. I couldn't leave him to fall asleep on his own!!

Anyway, he's now asleep and I am sewing and watching fun TV. All is well with the heart. I meant, of course, that all is well with the world, but my fingers typed 'heart' instead, so I thought I'd leave it as it typed. My heart is still a little bit soft from the earlier melting, so all is well, as well, with the heart.

Fingers crossed for better sleep tonight! :-)

Sleep variation

So after the first tooth popped out, we had a night with only two feeds and an unbroken stretch of six hours! I couldn't help wondering who had replaced my baby!

Last night we were worse than ever - feeds every two hours until 3am, which, it seemed, was time to wake up. He has only slept in the sling since then - ten minutes on the man's back, then 45 minutes on mine. I unfortunately needed to poo, so tried to disengage him, but he woke up. :-(

Anyway, I've just noticed that the top right tooth is now peeking through. My poor poppet is obviously in pain. He's super clingy today too, wanted to be carried everywhere. This is my only two minutes of 'time out' so far today - he's occupied with a noisy plastic hammer, which he is no doubt chewing very hard.

Anyway, hopefully this'll be it for teeth for a few nights, so we can all get some snooze time. :-)

Razor sharp

Our baby has a tooth! Top left, a sharp ridge of white is sticking out from his gums, like the Sierra Nevada. Poor baby, no wonder he's been struggling to sleep. But hurrah for there being a reason! :-)

Losing my Zen

Even four hours in a stretch would be good. And no 4.30am wake-up call. At least I got another hour after that, thanks to the wonderful man who helped to create this non-sleeper. 

I thought we had it cracked - started putting him to sleep at 6pm instead of 7pm and, for a while, instead of waking at 5.30am, he was waking at 6.30am. He was getting over 12 hours sleep a night (not including his 3 or 4 night feedings). Now we're back to around 10 hours a night...but because of his earlier sleep time, unfortunately his wake time is also earlier. 

Anyway, he is super cranky, not surprisingly, has shadows under his eyes and is now on his second nap of the morning - the first being just half an hour and coinciding with my porridge at 7am.

I'm tired. Lack of sleep seeds doubts in my mind about all sort of things and makes me weepy. I don't want pity or sympathy, I just want positivity around me. I don't want focus (or indeed any comments) on this lack of sleep thing as it makes me focus on it (unless you're in the same position as me and need to share). I just want positive people around me as then your positivity infuses my soul and gives me succour. That is, unless you have a miraculous remedy or tactic (that doesn't involve Valium or soundproof rooms)...then you can talk to me about sleep (or lack of it). :-)

NHS advice

It appears there is a typo in my previous post Forbidden fruits.

Obviously the NHS is not advising that babies don't eat Merlin, thought I imagine he would have had something to say about that himself and I also imagine he might be a bit tough for babies.

To correct my previous comment, the NHS is advising babies don't eat MARLIN.

*blush*

Violence against women is a men's issue

Just watched a powerful video that carries an important message. This is truth and it is really important to watch this. I was going to say "important for other counsellors" but actually, important for all women - all mothers of sons, all mothers of daughters - and ALL men.

"Domestic violence and sexual abuse are often called 'women’s issues', but in this bold, blunt talk, Jackson Katz points out that these are intrinsically men's issues — and shows how these violent behaviours are tied to definitions of manhood. A clarion call for us all — women and men — to call out unacceptable behavior and be leaders of change."

Violence against women is a men's issue

Forbidden fruits

Well it turns out that no fruits are forbidden to my son. I thought they were, but the recommendation now stands that from six months old, babies are allowed berries, including strawberries and blueberries. As long as they're cut up small. And there are no berry allergies in the family. Also, some research shows that strawberries and blueberries in particular contain high levels of pesticides (if non-organic), so probably best to get organic berries. Yum.

So anyway, while I was at it, I thought I'd do a proper check and the NHS recommends not giving your baby:

* Things high in unsaturated fat such as crisps, cheap burgers and cakes
* Raw shellfish
* Raw eggs
* Shark, swordfish or merlin

Hilarious. I couldn't stop laughing. As if I would give my baby these things anyway!



---

Full information from NHS as of 27 May 2014

SALT

Babies shouldn’t eat much salt as it isn't good for their kidneys. Don't add salt to your baby’s food and don't use stock cubes or gravy as they're often high in salt. Remember this when you’re cooking for the family if you plan to give the same food to your baby.

SUGAR

Your baby doesn’t need sugar. By avoiding sugary snacks and drinks, you'll help to prevent tooth decay. Use mashed banana, breast milk or formula milk to sweeten food if necessary.

HONEY

Occasionally, honey contains bacteria which can produce toxins in a baby’s intestines, leading to infant botulism, which is a very serious illness. It’s best not to give your child honey until they’re one year old. Honey is a sugar, so avoiding it will also help to prevent tooth decay.

NUTS

Whole nuts, including peanuts, shouldn't be given to children under five as they can choke on them. As long as there's no history of food allergies or other allergies in your family you can give your baby peanuts once they're six months old as long as they're crushed or ground into peanut butter.

LOW FAT FOODS

Fat is an important source of calories and some vitamins for babies and young children. It’s better for babies and young children under two to have full-fat milk, yoghurt and cheese rather than low-fat varieties.

SATURATED FATS

Don't give your child too many foods that are high in saturated or 'bad' fat, such as crisps, chips, cheap burgers and cakes.

SHARK, SWORDFISH OR MARLIN

Don't give your baby shark, swordfish or marlin. The amount of mercury in these fish can affect a baby’s growing nervous system.

RAW SHELLFISH

Raw shellfish can increase the risk of food poisoning so it’s best not to give it to babies.

RAW AND UNDERCOOKED EGGS

Eggs can be given to babies over six months old, but make sure they're cooked until both the white and yolk are solid.

Small pleasures

Played with the boy in the bedroom after lunch and by 'playing' I mean I could barely keep my eyes open, so I let him play quietly on his own while I lay next to him. He was quite happy and I was peaceful. After about half an hour, he started squawking, so I fed him lying down and we both fell asleep. First time in ages he's napped without having to be in the sling.

I had a lovely half hour snooze and feel much better. He's now been down almost two hours, which is what he used to do a few months ago when I considered him a reasonable sleeper. Yay for his old sleeping habits returned.

It is amazing how 'myself' returns to me with even just a short break. I don't quite have the freedom to do what I want - I can't leave the house or make loud noises (which I do so love doing!) - but I can potter quietly, do the washing, do the dishes, do a spot of writing. I feel like an independent me again, as opposed to the mother of my son, the person who became part of another person eight months plus womb-time ago.

Now, if only the sun were shining...

Big steps

Last night the boy barely slept, so I sent the man into the spare room until 4am for some good rest, at which point I swapped with him and got about three hours solid sleep myself.

This morning, the boy woke a hugely advanced little boy. He is now crawling rapidly all over the place, with such delight on his little face as he can get around and see what's going on ALL THE TIME without having to wait for one of us to find him squawking, stuck in a corner somewhere, and pick him up. He's also pulling himself up to grab things off higher surfaces, so his world has now expanded into 3D - he's incredibly excited about this. He had his first visitor (with his new skills) and - once he'd ascertained the visitor was safe - he crawled into his lap and flapped his arms at the visitor's legs, with obvious delight at this ability.

I am excited, yes, but I am also tired. I have moved the bin and hidden it; I have moved many items of furniture to hide various things he shouldn't get into; I have moved things from half a foot off the ground to one foot off the ground (and know they will all soon be moving higher, when I have a chance to find new homes for these things). I have rescued him from crawling on concrete (and hurting his little feet) and I have tidied the garden. I know I will soon find him eating my herbs (ok) and soil (less ok). I find myself worrying how I will cope on my own with my normal days, without tying him to a chair leg or sticking him in some sort of cage. I am also slightly concerned for my olive tree and wonder if it will soon need a new spot.

With his huge leap in movement he seems to have got hungrier. Today he has demolished a few spoons of porridge, baby sweetcorn, courgette, tomatoes, carrots, orange slices and mushrooms...and played with spaghetti. He didn't seem too keen on my cheese and courgette muffins however. That'll teach me to make something special for him! At least his daddy enjoyed the chocolate brownies I made. :-)

I'm hoping the extra food and movement (as well as his swimming session today) will have worn him out and have an impact on his sleep too, but we shall see. He was fast asleep by 5.50pm, a new record for him, so fingers crossed. I shall report back very soon!