Happy new year 2016

Well, 2015 has been a year of hard work, fulfillment, friendship, building upon and deepening family relationships, cutting out as someone described to me 'deadwood' - making more time for the things and people that matter to me and that bring happiness and growth to my life...as I hope I do to theirs. It has been fun and wonderful to watch my beautiful son grow and develop, seeing him become a compassionate, kind and thoughtful child, becoming more aware of his inner world as his language develops quickly and dramatically. Hearing him laugh and play, laughing and playing with him. Our little family is growing (mostly inside me, at the moment) and I know that 2016 will bring us much change.

So, here's to 2016. May it be a year of continued growth, fulfillment, love and peace for you all. May the changes be good ones that cast light on your worlds, so that shadows fall behind you.

With love.

The end of an era

So, milkies started to disappear with the (internal) growth of the munchkiness when I was around 10 weeks pregnant. Instead of feeding to sleep, we've been kissing boobies goodnight. Mostly, it's been fine, but my two-year old has woken me regularly, crying "no milk" in his sleep, quite a lot of late. He's also woken after his nap wanting milkies, and cried to discover there is no milk. He's clearly been going through a grieving process for something he's had since birth, nutritious, comforting and offering security. I have found it heartbreaking, not being able to give him what he wants and needs. I've told him that his baby sister will bring boobie milk back when she finally arrives and that seems to make him happy - and it's a fact he often repeats to me, while peering into my belly button, kissing and hugging my belly, and saying "baby sister" or, occasionally "huuuuuge belly". I'm hoping he'll associate the arrival of a screaming shrivelled up girlie-scrap with yummy milk, and not mind so much having to share me or my boobies.

Anyway, the last two nights he hasn't asked for milk nor wanted to kiss boobies goodnight (interestingly just as my milk seems to be coming back in). In fact, he's just cuddled me, given me a kiss on my nose, a butterfly kiss to my cheek (fluttering eyelashes), and rolled over and gone to sleep within about five minutes. Part of me is sad that it's the end of an era (though I'm aware his love of milkies might return with the arrival of his sister), but another part of me is happy at his growing independence and the fact that we've done no 'sleep training' or crying it out or anything, in fact, that was not entirely baby led (apart from the unfortunate reduction in milk supply). I'm so proud of us, my husband and I, for sticking it out through the harder nights, to parent and love our child in a way that we felt was right for him and for us as a family.

Tonight I'm going to bed with a mixture of feelings, but mostly I'm looking forward to him arriving in our bed around midnight, his fluffy hot little head snuggling down while his feet, no doubt, kick me in the face until morning.

Donkeys and rain

Before leaving England, we camped in the New Forest and the munchkin was acquainted with donkeys. He desperately wants to see them again and often asks to see their photos on my phone. The other day we went in search of a donkey (to be heard braying throughout the day), which unfortunately we didn't find, but he was contented with examining windows, ants, lizards, vehicles and various flowers and bits of debris. Today he spent some time gazing out of the door at the rain. The life of a toddler is truly an experience in wonderment, novelty, exploration and curiosity.

Blue dinosaurs

So we've now been in Croatia well over a week, I'm sure. I'm mostly spending my time running after the munchkin, playing in dubious-looking sand, batting away mosquitos in one of the two playgrounds we've found and swimming with him, which is my favourite pastime. He's developed a liking of climbing onto my back, so I swim for both of us. Sometimes he lets go and waves his arms through the water as if he's also swimming and sometimes he kicks his legs, but mostly he climbs as high up as possible to get away from the cold, occasionally seemingly trying to climb onto my head. He's enjoying the sea, especially waves which make him squeal with delight, and he enjoys the pool too, the last time launching himself from the side into my arms, often unpredictably, often in response to an awareness of being watched by someone. He likes to put on a performance!

He's developing a lot at the moment, new words, new sentences, greater understanding of concepts, such as numbers. His imagination is also developing. He assures me most earnestly that we have a blue dinosaur outside our front gate. It might be a triceratops. The imagination is vivid and active, as mine always has been, and he has started also waking from anxious dreams, I think caused by daddy not being here, grandad leaving and other uncertainties and unpredictabilities. He has been talking all day about the bad dream he woke from at lunchtime, which is apparently on top of the wardrobe. Something to do with a hurt man - at one point it was the man on the crucifix in the living room, then it was daddy, then it was grandad.

Although we're both tired (developmental sleep disruption enchanced by a bout of final set of molar teething) we're both enjoying being outside most of the time. I think he also enjoys having so much time with mama (and bakica), though he loves chatting to strangers too (if they're men, cats or dogs). I'm also shedding baby bump fat, confirming my suspicion that most of it was bacon, bagel and chocolate fat, not baby. I'm now a more sensible size. Tiring work pushing the munchkin and his apparatus up and down hills, but good to be getting fitter again.

Now, I must go, so I can share our donkey ramble with you. ☺

Precious things

This morning you would have found me sitting on the front doorstep in the sunshine, while my toddler pottered around gathering precious things. You'll notice a piece of toast. That was the remains of his breakfast. The grass was a gift from me. The rest are his precious things. Some small polystyrene balls. A few stones, his favourite being the broken bit of patterned tile, an apple apparently (which I had to pretend to eat, making crunching apple sounds). Two whole buttercups and one shredded buttercup, handed to me petal by petal.

I wondered what went through his little head as he carefully selected these items. I still can't imagine. It is a good reminder to enjoy the present moment and to find joy and satisfaction in the small things of life.

This morning we were contented.

Reflections on motherhood

I slept terribly last night and woke too early, both facts facilitated by my toddler, who I believe is teething again.

When 'we' finally woke at 6am (having already seen every hour since midnight) I remembered that today, Mother's Day, we'd agreed my husband would go mountain biking at 7am (yesterday having been my yoga morning). Why I agreed to this time, I don't really know. I love how happy cycling makes him and I am aware that it as necessary to his wellbeing as yoga is to mine, however him leaving at 7am means no lie in for mama.

So, forget romantic notions of Mother's Day! I began my day, after a kiss goodbye, with a small child trying crawl backwards out of the front door in just his PJs - no shoes, no jumper, no hat. I clothed him and he happily toddled off for a few minutes in the garage with daddy, before mama took over. He wailed, because he wanted the garage, the bikes, the car...somewhere full of interesting shapes and sharp, spiky, dangerous bits, to explore.

I sat a while, cuddling him. Then, before breakfast, I made all the beds, tidied up the bedrooms, picked up dirty socks and pants off the floor (the man's), put strawberry-stained clothes in the linen bin (the boy's, left in his room by the man last night), emptied the dishwasher, put the dirty dishes in, put on a load of laundry, cleaned the kitchen, wiped the boy's nose, changed his nappy, dressed him and, then, finally, I made myself a cup of tea and made us both breakfast.

I ate my smoked salmon and strawberries alone, interspersed with my little one eating with me, throwing two lots of food on the floor, cleaning him up and most of the floor before he could crawl or sit in it, stopping him hitting hard things on the window, wailing because I'd removed the hard things from his grasp, more nose wiping, and, around 8am, eventually, carrying him upstairs for what he obviously needed after a bad night's sleep - his nap (about four hours earlier than usual).

As I lay in the semi darkness, listening the steady sound of his new clock ticking and feeling his hot breath on my cheek, wishing I could have some time out...wishing I could have had a relaxed and enjoyable breakfast as a family, all together...wishing I could have had a lie in...wishing the man had made me a cup of tea...the light of my heart snuggled up to me, his arms around my neck, and I realised...this is what Mother's Day is about. This bundle of love, soft and fluffy, warm, full of energy and curiosity. This unconditional and absolute love is what makes me a mother - nothing else really matters. This, beyond anything else, defines today.

Socks

My son's dubious choice of toy to take into the car today was a pair of his daddy's socks, which he cuddled for approximately half an hour.

He has now just retrieved a pair of my old holey socks from the rubbish bin and has taken to cuddling my feet.

What is it with the foot area in our home, I wonder?

The concept of friendship

I'm pretty sure, a few days ago, my (then almost) 17 month old signed that we should see more friends (having spent the best part of a month being ill indoors), but as he'd neither signed 'more' nor 'friends' before, I wasn't totally certain. I didn't think he knew what friends were, for starters!

Today, as my (now) 17 month old was lying on his changing mat, he pointed at the ceiling and made his sound for a 'fish'. I recalled that we'd been at a friend's house yesterday, where her little girl has planets hanging above the changing mat. I commented that she (using her name) had had balls floating above her mat and he agreed. He then did the fish sound again and I remembered they had an aquarium. He became excited about this confirmation of his attempts to communicate. I also reminded him of the cat they have and (for the first time) he miaowed! This was followed by a broad and very excited grin. He then signed 'friends' and my heart melted, because they are, indeed, friends, and this is the first time he has used a sign I have not yet used with him and a concept I have not explained.

It seems that the order of the week is relationships and being sociable. I must improve my diary planning efforts!

Latest skills of the toddler

I've just experienced my first toddler-speaking-to-boob - I was jiggling them around immediately before bedtime to see which one to give him and I think he thought I was trying to find them, so when I got it out, he shouted "there!!" as in "there it is!" So very cute.

He's also signing heaps now and can ask for more, asks where things are or what things are, tells me he can hear birds, cars, a helicopter or aeroplane, or daddy coming home, plus a range of foods. He also does a load of different animals and, more usefully, pain. I am totally with the signing thing now as it has helped us understand one another massively.

He can also drag steps to where he wants to climb and has cleverly (if worryingly) figured out how to open the front door. He helps unload the dishwasher, putting cutlery in the drawer and other items where I tell him to put them. He also unloads and loads the washing machine with me, and tidies his toys away! My clever little boy.

Before having kids I never really understood the fascination with their development, but it is really interesting watching someone learn so much and so quickly.

Finally, he is beginning to eat - hurrah! Last night he had Thai red curry veggies (cauliflower, potato, chickpea and tomato) with cous cous and yoghurt (all separately and all fed by himself - though he insists on using a fork to eat yoghurt).

Anyway, that's all my tired brain can think of right now - clearly he has not yet learned to sleep through the night!

Toddler ailments

Nothing worse than finding your toddler in bed with his face covered in blood. Thought it was a brain hemorrhage.

It turns out that it's very common when little people have stuffy noses and nasty colds; and it seems our little one has a very nasty 'cold' - tonsillitis and an ear infection. No wonder he's been extremely clingy, unhappy and not sleeping. Hopefully once the antibiotics kick in, we'll all get happier and start sleeping again.

I suspected as much last night when he signed 'pain' and I asked where the pain was and he kept hitting his right ear (the one with the infection in it). My clever boy. And my poor, poor, unhappy, hurty little boy.

All in all, it's been a pretty rough start to the year, with evil illness after evil illness, each one seemingly worse than the previous one. I'm ready for a good night's sleep, but I suspect it's not happening just yet, as our little person seems to have developed bed-avoidance, wailing every time he is taken near it.

Perhaps it'll be a case of dinner with a toddler on my lap, then bed for us all.

Behavioural changes

The boy was a little better today after a bad night (of waking every half hour to hour), but seems to not want to go to sleep at all this evening. He climbed off his bed and opened his door. As he clearly wasn't sleeping, I brought him downstairs again.

Wanted me to put on the signing DVD. Wanted to learn more, I think. He was very excited about learning 'horse' today. I said no, too late. He pottered around a bit and ate some food (biscuit and cheesy breadstick), but refused milk. Didn't want it at bedtime and has refused it since. Last night he sometimes asked for it and then cried other times when he wanted it. I'm assuming it's teeth again as he's been biting hard on my fingers. I keep telling him everything will be better once those teeth are all through...that the pain is temporary and won't be forever.

Anyway, then he kept telling me he could hear an aeroplane (through signing) and then about half a minute later, I could hear too. Such acute hearing! He just wanted to sit on my lap and stare into my eyes - rather unnerving - then he'd give the odd smile, half sided smile, just on the left, which he's started doing in the last few days. Sometimes he'd giggle. Sometimes he'd start chatting and telling me stuff, and I'd apologise and say I couldn't understand him. He'd stare intently and smile a gentle little smile, giving me a hug as if to say "Never mind, maybe one day you will." Then he was pointing at the door at saying brrm brrm. Two minutes later the man arrived home (10 minutes early). Quite incredible.

Anyway, he's been very affectionate this evening and given us both lots of cuddles with arms flung around our necks. We are hungry and tired and the man is now trying to rock the boy to sleep. Fingers crossed...

Job description

During one of my many evenings of lying in the dark cuddling my son until he falls asleep, my mind wandered and I wondered how much of my time I spend doing this. Mostly, this is a fairly enjoyable activity, that I use to think about things, meditate or just enjoy being with him. Sometimes I talk to him about the beauty of the world and what there is to appreciate. Sometimes I sing to him. Sometimes he chatters to me. Sometimes we just lie in silence.

Anyway, I was curious, both about the tasks I do during my working day and how much time I devote to them. Having made my first attempt at putting it onto paper (figuratively speaking), no wonder I think it is harder than any (paid) job I ever did. The hours are ridiculous! I definitely wouldn't take a paid job like this, but I also do enjoy most of it as much as (and on occasion more than) any paid job I have done - the reward, as all mothers that have gone before have ever told me, is worth it. Though, being slightly cynical, the idea of psychological consonance (versus dissonance) comes to mind...that is, the idea that our brains are built to make the most of whatever choices we have made so that we believe our current choice to be the best choice we could have made - a clever little trick designed to make us happier.*

So, see below for my working day! How my mother did this with five children, I have no idea.

 * To acknowledge that this 'trick' appears to have gone wrong with some people, but that is an entirely different blog post and so I shan't dwell on that here.

12 January

So it's turns out that 12 January wasn't the date my library books needed renewing, but the date the yoghurt went out of date. I knew it was important somehow!

Breastfeeding

Okay, so firstly I resisted the urge to have the title of this as 'extended breastfeeding'. This is the common term in this country for feeding beyond, what, six months or a year? I'm not sure when it begins to apply, but I realise I have a problem with the term. It implies that feeding a child is not natural or normal beyond a certain (very young) age. It implies that feeding a child up to the age that the NHS and the Department of Health recommend is beyond what should be expected. It's two years for the DoH, in case you didn't know. To end my gripe, I think the current terms of 'breastfeeding' and 'extended breastfeeding' should be changed to 'breastfeeding'.

Anyway, I have just read an interesting article about breastfeeding which triggered this post. I shall share it at the end, but it is about breastfeeding older children. I will preface it by saying that I never thought about breastfeeding before we did it - I just assumed that that was how things would go down. It has been my best parenting tool - to soothe anxiety, fears and pains and crankiness...to provide nutrition when solid food hurts...to help the little one with sleep when insomnia threatens...and simply as a place of security and bonding to make my child feel safe and confident. I never thought about when we'd end or wean, but assumed it would happen by a year. It didn't and so far he's showing no sign of quitting. As it stands, I'm not yet at the place where I have any idea how or when we'll stop. He's so far from being ready to quit!

Anyway, so, about this very interesting article I read. If you're going to read this, try reading with an open mind. I found I struggled a little with some of the ideas, and then I felt sad that something natural and normal should feel odd to me because of my societal hangups. Feeding until six years old is definitely not something I plan for (but there's a lot I didn't plan for that we're doing as parents) and I agree with the author that if there is one thing I have learned as a parent, it's "never say never."

Breastfeeding at six? What's so weird about that?

Tumbling tot

On our way up to his peaceful evening bath and story time before bed, our tot tumbled quite dramatically from the top step down to the bottom last night - smacking his poor little head on the stair gate at the bottom. My heart literally stopped as I saw my precious creature falling away from my grasp, fear in his big brown eyes.

Our evening of him being asleep by 7pm and me on my way to yoga was replaced by an evening in A&E with a little girl who had been vomitting all day (and who the boy unfortunately decided was his new best friend), a teenage lad with a broken nose (whose mother told me that this tumbling down the stairs business will be just the first of many moments where my heart stops beating) and a boy wrapped up in a blanket who looked so awful that we sat nowhere near him.

Thankfully the sunshine of my heart was unharmed and I've been carefully watching out for any behavioural changes all day. I have spotted two - one related to the fall, the other, presumably, not.

(1) He has developed a fashion sense and insisted on wearing a specific t-shirt he has not yet worn; and also refused to wear his normal shoes, instead going for a pair of white and blue Nike trainers that are slightly too large for him. Not related.

(2) He is just as happy and confident to clamber upstairs on his own (while I watch on, pretending to be unconcerned), but he now holds the bannister while going upstairs. Sensible boy. Related and rather clever of him, I thought.

I am tired from an evening where I held tight all the muscles of my body, and now feel as though I too tumbled down. I cannot nap with him while he naps, possibly due to the consumption of dark chocolate nibbling as a treat for my stressful evening, possibly due to the remnants of the adrenaline burst from last night. Instead I shall now enjoy some noodles and veggies while sitting in the sunshine on my own, letting my body relax and trying to let go of what could have been, but thankfully was not. I am relieved.

Major milestones

So today we hit a major milestone that began yesterday, quite out of the blue.

The little one (for his tea) ate an entire bowl of pasta with cheese and chicken, followed by a whole bowl of cereal, followed by a bowl of yoghurt. He then proceeded to eat various other fruits, avocado and cucumber. So, not only did he eat more than he's ever eaten before, he also ate it all himself with a spoon or fork. He decided yesterday that he won't be fed anymore, wants to do it all himself. No idea if this is permanent or not, but it was great. I was so impressed. And the best bit of all - there was no food on him and (even more amazing) NO FOOD ON THE FLOOR. Hurrah, I say!

It's been a great day of friendship and fun for both the boy and me, with some sunshine, a good nap and a trip to the supermarket at 8am, which we both enjoyed and which is always good fun with a little person in the trolley, curious about everything he sees. I hope he likes his new mittens and boots once we try them out outside.

This is how life should always be - enjoyment of people and appreciation of the small things and of small achievements.

All I need now, is for bedtime to occur smoothly and easily and it will have been a perfect day.