Many loves, many lives

Just watched Brooklyn (Netflix), a beautiful film about an Irish girl in the '50s who moves to New York. Resonated so strongly within me, the beauty and the fortune and the heartbreak of loving two places (or more), of having more than one home, the longing for the other home(s), the joy of saying hello again and the sadness of saying goodbye. I am a child of two cultures...my babies are children of three...my family of origin, now, of six...

Back seat driver

Fun car journey this morning.

Toddler (mostly answered by me in the mini breaths between questions): "Why you hitting the brakes? And why now? And why slowing down now? And why are you indicating? And why did that car in front indicate? And why you hitting the brakes again? Mama, don't forget to indicate! Mama, slow down! Mama, go faster! Mama, beep that car, he's in the way! Why you hitting the brakes again?? Go faster, mama! And why didn't he indicate? Beep him, mama!"

Migraine season again

Two migraines in two days. Out of drugs, so taking the kids' drugs! Getting all bad things out of the way before Xmas. Blinding headache but at least I can see. Dreamed I had a migraine again (and woke up with it) and in my dream I couldn't see properly but had to find every one of my son's (50 odd) toy cars hidden away in an extremely elaborate street scene, winding its way under tables and behind cupboards. A really difficult thing when half your vision is obscured by bright and shiny flashing lights! 😂

Falling asleep

I do it because I remember desperately wanting this as a child. And because my kids love it. And because my eldest will tell me his fears and worries as his mind starts to relax and opens up (though it's rare I get the chance to get the big one to sleep these days). And because they cry if I don't and I hate the idea that crying is the last thing they'd do before falling asleep. We're always told not to go to bed angry, and I feel it's the same, for my kids, not going to sleep sad or lonely. I do it because it works very well for us. 💖

Link

Blessings of the day

Beautiful multistorey roof parking. And so much space. Loving our new double buggy. Gorgeous walk in the park this morning. Fun at little gym with the kids. Cuddles on the sofa. Super helpful and funny toddler helped clear the table, did some dish washing, tidied his toys away and washed and chopped the mushrooms for our fajitas and extras for the freezer. Baby girl helped tidy toys too. Much to be grateful for today. 😍

The week's achievements

Successes of the week: boy had one full dry day (woo hoo!), he loved his gymnastics class and he loved his new nursery; and girlie can now climb a flight of steps, take 4-5 steps alone, make it through from 5.30am to 3pm without a nap and apparently post videos of herself eating kale on Facebook. 😂

Patchwork children

Interesting article, relevant to all of us made up of different cultures, and relevant to our beautifully rich patchwork children.

(Therapy Today, October 2016)

When babies are quiet...

This is why she was so quiet!

I have decided to just leave her to it, so I can make dinner. Some days, good parenting is staying calm and managing to make food. 😄

Heart melting moments

Having my mama here means that the man can work late; and that I get the baby to sleep, then I'm able to get the boy to sleep. I've missed his nighttime snuggles.

As he lay on my chest this evening I said "I love you lots and lots. You're my favourite little boy in the whole wide world."

Toddler response: "Awww, thanks mama."

Me: "I'm glad you're my son."

Toddler: "Awwwwww, thanks mama." [Lots of thinking] "Daddy's a son too."

Me: "Yes, yes he is."

Lots of wriggling and getting comfy. A few minutes later, toddler says, "Mama, I love you in the whole wide world!"

My heart totally melting and any crossness from the day has totally dissipated. 😍

Toddler linguistics

Naked toddler sitting on the toilet.

Me: Are you cold?

Toddler: Zima, zima! [Cold, cold!]

Me: Zima ti je? [Are you cold?]

Toddler: Yes! Zima means cold! (Delighted with his new word)

😍

Words of innocence

My three-year old son to my mama: "Baka, why are you so old and crumbly?"

I *swear* I didn't teach him this! 😂

Seriously, USA??

So, my reaction now, since Brexit darkened my heart, is to shake it off, and smile. What happens, happens. We have to do our best to work with what is. Make the most of everything. Pick your battles. Choose, where possible, to remain happy hearted above the anxiety and fears of what happens next. Wait to watch it unfold and keep alert for your chances to improve or change what needs changing....and in the meantime look for all the positives around you.

I'm going to focus on the sunshine, and when I see shadows, remind myself that too much sunshine isn't always a good thing.

Predictions of a toddler

We're having a new winter in a few hours, which will even take away evergreens. Apparently. According to my son.

Winter with kids

I hated autumn and winter for a long time, but having kids reminds me that I didn't always hate these seasons. I didn't always spend half a year yearning for longer days and shorter nights, when the sun was high and the air was warmer.

These days I spend half an hour (or so) every morning in front of my sad lamp. Perhaps less on the days that I plan to be outside for more than two hours.  I sacrifice much needed sleep for light and I have resented this a long time. If I don't, I become depressed - I need to sleep more, I become irritable and I can't cope with the simplest things.

But I remember I wasn't always like this. Not as a kid when I played outside every day for hours. Not as a teenager when I part walked the 3.5 miles to school and often walked into town. But as an adult, once I started work in an office and rarely saw daylight in the colder months, that's when it hit.

Now, as a stay at home mama, I spend time outdoors every day again, with my beautiful nature babies, a family that is happier outside. We kick leaves. We watch our breath in the cold air and pretend to be dragons. We snuggle up warm in jumpers. We marvel at the tiny drops of water that show us where all the cobwebs are. We watch the sky slowly get brighter in the morning. We watch the sky slowly get darker in the evening. We can watch the changing colours of the sky. We can see the stars together. We put the projector on before bed. We snuggle under our duvets at night, secure in the fact that the dark will keep us asleep as long as we need to sleep. We are cosy, and very very lucky, in our warm, dry home.

I realise that while I will always be a sunshine person preferring warmth, I do love the colder seasons again and I feel a little as if I have been reborn. I feel blessed.

Baby signing

8 month old did her first clear sign today (though I realise she may have attempted it earlier). Milk, of course! 😍

Inner monologues

Toddler talking to himself: "Goodness me, what are all these stones in the car? And what a rusty old window! Your wheel's stuck in the sand, it's going to be stuck forever!"

Love his inner monologue. 😍

Our chilli harvest

The bit missing? 8 month old ate it, seeds and all. She wailed, stopped, tried to wail, gasped, wailed etc for about two minutes then smacked her lips a few times. Held the other half out to her and she tried to take it!

I nibbled a tiny bit and it still hurts, five minutes later.

#motherhood #toughbaby

To all the mamas and daddies out there - forgive yourself a little

I had a moment yesterday where a friend told me I didn't always need to be the strong mama, and it was like a light turning on in my head. Parenting is hard. Especially with no family around. Especially in winter where I need an extra half hour every morning to use my sad lamp, which means half an hour less sleep or half an hour less me time the evening before. There is nothing wrong with the odd moment of weakness or wailing or shouting. People say tears are a sign of strength. They're sodding not! They're a sign someone is carrying too much in that moment. Everyone who carries a thousand tree trunks daily is bound to feel weak or to want a break from time to time. And that's ok. 💟

You are what you eat

Managed to express a teeny amount of milk and my three year old asked for it. "Oooh," he said, "almond milk!" I guess you really are what you eat. 😀

2.45am to 4.08am and counting

I've been standing in the dark rocking for over an hour now. If I even so much as think about relaxing an eyelash, the little one starts screaming. Suspect tomorrow will be another caffeine day. On the plus side, I'm strengthening my thighs, I get to feel the delightful luxury of my thick rug under my bare feet and I remember to appreciate the comfort and warmth of my bed. I also get to drink yet more Covent Garden Tea House Heavenly Tea.

Peppa pig creators should do my bathtime

Screaming threenager at bath time because "I don't like how the water is looking at me." And apparently Grandpa Pig said that about a bush. Peppa bloody pig, you have a lot to answer for!

Three today

Our baby boy is three; no longer a baby, but a bright spark of a child who sees and thinks about everything. It's been wonderful to watch him grow - hard at times to bring up a wilful, determined, assertive child, with very strong opinions and feelings, but I'm so glad he came to us. He brings laughter and love to my heart every single day. Happy birthday little man, may this year bring you greater understanding of the ways things work, to lessen your frustrations and decrease your fears; and may I continue to improve as your guide in an often confusing world. Love you always.

Celebration of life - a toddler birthday

I keep crying this morning, full of emotion and gratitude, enhanced possibly by barely any sleep and the advent of my baby's third tooth.

Baking birthday cake for the toddler's third birthday, and listening to Hafdis Huld. Younger longer is making me think of my beautiful little family, my extended family and friends, and creating such powerful ebbs of overwhelming gratitude and happiness. I feel so lucky this morning, happy in the company of the man, the kids, my sister and her man.

Younger longer, Hafdis Huld

Today's excellent happenings

I'm going to be very boring with teething, but it really helps me get through the hell of it if I celebrate the countdown to 20. So, baby girl has a second tooth. Woohoo! Only 18 more to go. I am truly happy. There are two more on the very verge of emerging, perfectly placed to cause agony on the third birthday weekend of my toddler.

The baby girl, 7 months and 4 days, STOOD ON HER OWN today. She promptly fell over, but she did it. She's also been spending ages trying to work out how to climb steps. I am less pleased about this as I can see it will end in tears at some point, but I'm hugely impressed with the standing.

None of us slept last night (baby girl teething and toddler boy being starving ravenous at 1.30am, necessitating a bowl of cereal with toddler whispering (aka shouting) accompanying the meal). After a cup of very nice caffeinated tea (Covent Garden Tea House heavenly tea) my day was surprisingly enjoyable. Our rugby was cancelled, but we didn't get the message, so the two coaches played with the toddler for 45 minutes instead. He adores them and had a whale of a time. Baby girl happily sat in dirt and ate tofu and black olives. I happily sat on a step in the sunshine, getting covered in half chewed tofu and black olives.

We perused the (toy) contents of four charity shops. Satisfaction all round.

Man was home for dinner which made for peaceful and enjoyable dinner.

So the day ended with sleeping baby puking on my bed, but the sheets needed changing anyway, so I have a nice clean bed to look forward to. And she fell asleep again quickly.

All in all, a great day. Small blessings make for happiness and contentment.

Exercise and motherhood - the reality

Inspired by comments such as "everyone has time to exercise."

I used to exercise regularly. Pre kids. When I had my son, yoga, running and swimming stopped - because of the loose ligaments due to breastfeeding, post c-section recovery and back pain from carrying a Velcro baby around all the time. Then I started physio with my son crawling all over me. As he got bigger (big enough for a bike) I rode with him. I started yoga again on weekend mornings after he'd nursed.

He got too big for mother and baby yoga, he hated buggy fit, he hated some great classes I found with babysitters, so my choices were very limited.

Now I have two kids. I feel ready to exercise again. I'm home alone for 10-11 hours with them (with literally often no breaks), but she's not big enough for a bike, I try to do yoga or my 7-min work out app, but try doing a plank with a toddler on your back and a baby crawling under you - I'm not complaining, I'm serious. Try it! My exercise comes as squats and lunges to pick stuff off the floor with a sleeping baby in a sling; or carrying both when the big one is too tired to keep walking; or pushing a buggy with a big kid and his bike on it, while carrying the little kid. Everything a mama does, in my world, feels like exercise, but I still miss what I used to do.

So, to cut a long story short, I decided to go to the park for a quick session of short sprints, lunges, squats and step ups. (Imagined reality - half an hour, tops).

I had to take my daughter (breastfeeding), which meant I had to take my husband (to hold daughter while I sprinted as she won't be left in a buggy (teething, poorly and dislike of constraints)), so we decided to tag with the baby, take turns at sprinting. This meant we also had to take the toddler - couldn't leave him home alone. He didn't like being left behind when one of us sprinted, so we got to do a little sprint, then running while holding a toddler who insisted on wearing wellies that were too big, so repeated squats to pick them up as they fell off along the way. Then he remembered the playground and ran away. One adult had to follow, which meant the other couldn't sprint, so we had a family trip to the playground. Three hours later we finally went home, one pushing a buggy with a sleeping baby, the other carrying the now very tired toddler on his shoulders. (Actual reality - three and a half hours).

This is why mamas often say they don't have time to exercise. :-)

Life and death in toddler world

Toddler found a dead bumble bee. He said very excitedly "I have a new pet. I have a pet bumble bee. I love my pet." My heart melted and I felt a tiny bit bad he doesn't have a real pet. Not bad enough to get one. He loves bugs. He had a 'pet' ladybird too until it disintegrated and then he was utterly bereft on and off for almost two days. Cannot imagine the level of bereft if a real pet died.

What happens if you screw with a toddler's routine

As if today wasn't tough enough (a very overtired toddler and a puking infant, I blame teething for the latter), the doctor's only appointment (for the toddler's infected BCG scar) was at toddler teatime, so we had an early tea.

Started fine, then the pharmacy didn't have his prescription because it's apparently out of stock. This meant going back to the doctors, where my lovable (and very overtired) toddler ran around the waiting room, arms flailing and ripping off all the important laminated posters, and constantly threatening to run out of the wide open (and non closable) doors into the road.

I then had to take this toddler to another pharmacy (in Waitrose, the only place with the medicine in stock), where he proceeded to relieve the shelves of their contents.

All this took so long that it was now into bath time and already overtired toddler was at mega tired levels. On top of this, infant missed her teatime nap and was starting to get rather irate (and hungry). Thankfully she was in the sling so I could feed and walk and comfort all at once. Cue to toddler to run as fast as he could from me, arms flailing, aiming for the automatic doors into the busy carpark. Cue me running as fast as my flip flopped feet could carry me, while trying to stop infant bobbing out of sling or tearing off my nipple.

Finally managed to get toddler's hand in an iron grip, when infant decided the outside world was far too interesting to feed any more. Smiled sweetly (and very cutely) up at me, thus revealing a boob I was not able to put away until toddler was safely in the car.

I managed all this with only one shout (necessary to get the attention of toddler across the other side of Waitrose), but it took all my energy to not bawl my eyes out driving home. A crash due to inability to see would have been just too much after the day I've had.

I love my children dearly, but tonight is one of those nights where absolute bliss = sitting on the sofa in my PJs, all alone, surrounded by toys I can't be bothered tidying away.

First world problems

Screaming baby (teething...?), poorly son with fever who just wants hugs, and the 8th day of no washing machine, so I'm resorting to washing very stinky nappies from pre washing machine breakdown by hand, while feeding a baby to sleep in the sling and hoping desperately son doesn't run in screaming just as she falls asleep (happened twice today already). At least the dishwasher now works. At least it's sunny. At least I have a roof over my head and food to eat. At least I have clean running water.

#firstworldproblems #50sHousewife #oneofthosedays

The moments after waking

Well that was a better night. By far. My little (almost) 5 month old pumpkin actually slept. Back to normal, I am hoping.

She woke at 5am and played happily with the sheet for a bit, kicking her little legs and gurgling. I pretended to be asleep for a little longer, squinting at her through half closed eyes. Then I could see her staring at me and she lay still. As soon as I opened my eyes, she smiled and started kicking her legs again. My heart melted.

My son used to do the same thing. How quickly he has grown, almost 3 years now. He woke from his nap yesterday, confused, saying he wanted to go downstairs to daddy. I smiled and said "it's not morning, you've just woken from your nap". He laughed. Looked sheepish. I told him that tomorrow was Saturday and daddy would be home then. "Oooh, the weekend," he squealed, "We can go to a dinosaur museum and look at dinosaur bones!" Not this weekend, but I promised soon. I told him this was something we could do one day a good few weeks ago. And he remembered. He started telling me about the dinosaur round the corner that roared. I think it was a dream.

I love the moments just after waking the best, with my beautiful, sweet, quickly growing babies.

Bliss in motherhood

Bliss bliss bliss! Not only did both kids nap at the same time (still asleep), no one has knocked at the door during this timeframe either. I napped too! Small things are actually huge things when kids don't sleep at night. 

(Awake every 90 minutes to feed a 4ish month old, wide awake 3-5am with wriggling toddler then chatting infant, then joyously hit over the head by toddler at 5.30am because "it's not night anymore" - thanks to kind husband, I managed another hour sleep after that. In summary: not enough sleep.)

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade

Post EU referendum. 

I'm not happy right now, but it's in my nature to find the best in life. We don't know the outcome. Something has needed to change in this country for a long time. This isn't what I'd have chosen, but let's wait and see. Let's unify with everyone who calls this country home of some kind or another, and let's do our damnedest to make the best of what we have. I read a post recently about when life gives you onions, and how onionade sucks....but chutney is nice. Especially with cheese.

Cheeky monkey

Still not eating, my cheeky monkey says pitifully (and hopefully), from the living room floor, "how about a bottle of milk...?"

Toddler requests

Not having eaten anything all day and not having eaten properly for most of the week, my toddler now wants a triangular egg.

Nomadic hearts...?

Feeling sad my mama left this morning. What a lovely week and so delightful to see the bond she has with my son. Our family was split by geography as a child and still is. My heart hurts with the separation, but I know we're a family of individuals who travel to find their homes. I'm looking forward to travelling to see her again in summer, to the second of my homes.

Meditation for mothers

I wrote this partly with a friend in mind and partly as a reminder to myself (we're both stay at home mothers of two). My initial motivation was to help increase calm and positive reactions in the face of a demanding, hugely unreasonable, struggling or overwhelmed toddler (or self!!)

Mindfulness and meditation practices are about training your mind and yourself to be more alert, aware and conscious as you go about your daily life. This is so that you learn to consciously choose your behavioural reactions, rather than the reactions taking you over. Practice leads to reduced stress, reduced negativity, increased energy and motivation, greater calmness and a sense of control, and more compassion for yourself, perhaps most importantly, especially as a mother we're alone a lot of the day and can be so tough on ourselves; but also for others, including our little people.

There are loads of different ways to practice.

Some people find passive activities like massage and Reiki help, but you'd have to have sessions at least weekly. I used to go to yoga classes, but I also found running, mountain biking and dancing left me in the same state of mind - writing and colouring in too, as well as washing dishes if I'm on my own and it's quiet! Interestingly, also giving counselling was meditative for me. Anything that allows you to focus your mind on one thing to the exclusion of other intrusive thoughts - about daily life at one end, or negative thoughts about yourself at the other.

So, think about any activities you already do where you have even two minutes alone. Showering sometimes? In bed while little ones are asleep, perhaps after nursing... Or maybe even while nursing overnight - the precious quiet of the night!

One technique is focusing on what you're doing in detail - so with showering, the temperature and feel of the water on your skin, the sounds as water fills your ears, any patches of cold skin, the taste on your tongue, the feel of the floor beneath your feet, the sound of water falling etc... I find for many that eyes closed help me, but sometimes earplugs are more helpful!

A specific version of this is to focus just on breathing - the cool temperature of air around the nostrils when you breathe in and the warm air through your nostrils on the out breath. The sensation of your ribs expanding and collapsing. Feeling the air fill you and leave you.

Another is the body scan. You focus on each part of your body in detail from bottom to top, each toe, foot, ankle, shin, calf, knee etc. all the way to your face (muscles of neck, cheeks, lips, ears, around the eyes, forehead, scalp). You can choose to simply focus on relaxing each muscle, imagining blood flow, imagining filling each part with light or a colour, or cleansing each part with water. This can be five minutes or an hour. You can find stuff on YouTube I'm sure, or you can get CDs to listen to.

Then there are other mindfulness exercises. I like one about food, which is to think about all the work that went into your food as you eat it. This is a good one to do with kids. For example, rice - workers in rice fields, those that plant the rice, the people who harvest and bag it, the drivers and pilots who get it to us, shopkeepers, delivery driver, mama cooking it, water companies for the boiling water etc ...

I've also got a mindfulness bell app on my phone. It chimes randomly throughout the day and when you hear it, you just stop and take a moment to notice how you feel at the exact moment or what you're doing, maybe go a step further when you're good at that and ask if you're doing things the way you'd like to be, what you might change in that exact moment. I like it.

Finally, there are visualisations. There are loads I have done and could describe, but starting out it's often easier to hear someone else's voice. My absolute favourites (about 20 minutes each), are by The Honest Guys on YouTube. Visualisations based in Hobbit land. Gorgeous!

The trick is to spend a little time trying out each one and see what you like best or what works best... Then, try to do five minutes every day. You can do different ones each day. If that feels really unmanageable, do two longer sessions a week and work up until it becomes habit and a pleasant ritual. It is work, it is exercise for the brain and mind, but like any exercise, it pays off.

Anyway, I hope something in here has been useful to someone.

The art of happiness

Last night

BAD: kiddiewinks went to sleep very late
BAD: agonising backache
BAD: unstoppable tickly cough

This morning

GOOD: sunny
GOOD: girlie slept in my bed (rather than on me) for first time in her 11.5 weeks and slept just as soundly (only waking for three feeds)
BAD: boy woke her at 5am when he decided we should all wake up
GOOD: man took boy and girlie so I could lie in
GOOD: cough has turned into a sore throat - while bf I can't take cough medicine but I can suck strepsils :-)
GOOD: backache mostly gone! :-)
BAD: girlie's cough made her puke in my bed at her 6.30am feed, scuppering my lie in
GOOD: we will have nice clean sheets this evening :-)
GOOD: man still loves me despite being grumpy in the mornings

And this is how to be happy. All in all, life is wonderful. Time for a shower and breakfast.

An ordinary life

Today I'm tireder than usual because I went out last night. With my two month old daughter and just to a positive birth meeting, but it was nice to sit around with other women and drink tea and eat cake, to be out of the house. I felt a bit more me. Though it meant a late night.

This evening it's windy and rainy outside. I'm cosy curled up on the sofa with my baby girl sleeping on my chest, a lovely snuggly soft blanket covering us, the room around me slowly getting darker...waiting for the man to get the boy to sleep so I can eat more and maybe watch something funny on TV.

Life is full of blessings.

A wake up present

From my 2.5 year old son, delivered with a cuddle and a kiss. My heart is melting.

Friday night dilemma

Organic lettuce so organic that even on fifth (very thorough) wash, the water is full of aphids. Do I keep washing it, just eat it or throw it...?

This evening's great pleasures

Cutting tomatoes with an exceptionally sharp knife.

Mastering the art of feeding my infant in a sling while writing this/cooking our dinner (fajitas).

Tasting my homemade guacamole (best yet!).

Snacking on baked cauliflower leaves.

Listening to my son and husband chat, while one tries to make the other sleep, while the other tries to keep the other one awake.

The soothing sounds of fajita sauce bubbling on the hob, the hum of the tumble dryer, the tick of the clock through the baby monitor and the occasional satisfied baby sound of my nursing infant as she falls asleep.

The knowledge that soon both kids will be asleep and I'll be eating a yummylicious dinner.

Contentment is...

Front and back lawn mowed and strimmed with baby in sling, and toddler sweeping and guardian of house keys. Blue skies, sunshine, sounds of neighbours lawnmowers, toddler nibbling chocolate buttons, baby feeding, me about to eat bagels. All is well with our world.

Sleep deprivation dreams

Dreamt I had a migraine and was explaining an aura to someone who'd never had one, then woke up with one. I think I'd rather have more interesting dreams, like going to the moon or eating candy floss clouds or living in a tree house or doing yoga in India. But no, I dream I have a migraine.

Logistics ninja in the making

We're now three weeks in with a 2.5 year old and (obviously) a three week old.

Last night was "baby awake for no reason, baby feeds, goes to sleep, toddler wakes and wails "want mamaaaaa", has mama cuddles, falls asleep, baby wakes, does big poo, wants to feed, toddler wakes and wails "want mamaaaaa" and so on". Logistical nightmare. Thank goodness for an equal partnership daddy. My respect for single parents, while always been high, is at all time high this morning.

Today I had a logistical victory. I have just figured out the logistics of doing a poo. Usually involves putting baby in a sling or putting her in the car seat and propping it up in the doorway more vertically so (a) she doesn't vomit (refluxy baby) and (b) there's no chance she'll get smacked in the head while I'm not able to move!

While I currently have no idea how I'll ever be able to leave the house on my own with two, I'm aware that this is one logistical nightmare down, a small victory from the outside, but a huge achievement from where I'm currently sitting (no longer on the loo, you'll be pleased to know!)

Sleep times

We're slowly settling into newborn/toddler sleep patterns and getting used to four in a bed. Cosleeping certainly helps with breastfeeding and my nine-day old has now well exceeded her birth weight on boob alone.

Anyway, while she may be awake for hours overnight, the toddler has slept through the last three nights (amazing and a first for him), which helps massively as he refuses to sleep in his own room at the moment. I've tried asking him why and this is our conversation.

Me: why don't you like your room anymore?

Him: dream outside in dark. Scared.

Me: there's a scary dream when it's dark outside?

Him: uh hmmm. Mama cleaned it away and gone to real dark now.

Me: the scary dream in the dark has gone to the real dark now?

Him: um hmmm. Scared. Dream, dark outside.

Me: but your room isn't scary anymore because mama cleaned the dream away.

Him: hmm. Dream walked away into real dark outside. Scared. Sleep in mama room.

I think that's his final word on things. Not sure how to convince him that his room is fine, but obviously in his mind, it's not OK. Not at night anyway. Nap time sleep in his room is fine. I guess we need to keep our dialogue open on this one!

Anyway, I came across this article on reasons why toddlers won't sleep and found it rang true and made me laugh, so I'm sharing it here.

Little luxuries

Today I am revelling in the luxury of being able to sleep on my side OR my back. It is heavenly.

I can't sleep on my front still, but this is small price to pay for nourishing my child.

* No sleep on back during pregnancy due to pressure on major blood vessels due to weight of baby; no sleep on side immediately post c-section due to pain; and no sleep on front due to breastfeeding - discomfort and risk of blocked ducts...

A healing process

(The story of my second birth)

Last time I wanted a home water birth, with just gas and air. The little one decided he was ready to start emerging at 36 weeks and 6 days, well before our pool or the gas and air had arrived. We had many wonderful hours in the hospital pool, but the natural birth was not to be, and my little boy was dragged out via emergency c-section two days after the first signs of labour had started.

I was traumatised. I felt like a failure. I was in shock. Nothing went easily for me in the following weeks. I hadn't been able to birth and I didn't have enough milk. My child ended up in special care for a few days due to severe jaundice.

All this was last time. This time I had hypnotherapy and learned and practised hypnobirthing. I cleansed myself of old trauma.

This time we wanted a natural birth again and were open to it happening at home. This time our little one took her time, a whole four weeks longer than her brother. Early labour happened on and off for those four weeks. On the Wednesday night, I knew something was happening as I woke to a trickle of liquid making its way down my legs. I felt intense anxiety in the stillness and isolation of the dark. I sought reassurance from our Doula and my husband. I was glad our son was asleep soundly in our bed.

I tried to sleep as nothing happened, but contractions started quickly. I filled the living room with candles, breathed deeply, knelt forwards, leaning on my arms with each surge. I listened to my relaxations and my affirmations. I could do this. My Doula arrived. My mama moved into our room to sleep with our son.

Although the active part of labour happened more quickly this time, more intensely, I feel more clarity in my memories, I feel more aware, more conscious. I remember deciding I'd need gas and air and I made the decision to go to hospital. By this point, my contractions were so frequent and strong that I half walked, half crawled out of the house and into the car. I remember being on my hands and knees in the corridor of the hospital, rocking back and forth with a surge, wondering whose feet had walked where my hands were pressed firmly on the cool floor. I remember a voice asking about whether I wanted a wheel chair. It took all my energy to climb onto it, still on my knees, bent forward over the backrest.

This time, as with last time, all I had was gas and air and the in and out flow of my breath. I felt in the zone. It was hard work. I'd love to be one of those hippy mamas that birth without pain, but this hurt. The surges were intense and took over my whole being, my mind, my soul, every particle of my consciousness.

As with the last time, I felt the urge to push. I felt taken over with a primal earthy need to go completely within, the deepest meditation I have ever experienced. It hurt. It was hard work. I wanted it to end. But it was also a place of sacred bliss, a doorway through which I have never entered before. Time stopped, yet it was eternal. The world ended, yet it was only just beginning. I was more intensely alive than at any other time in my life, yet at the same time I was not me, I was everything. The universe was within me and I was the universe.

I heard the midwife telling me to push, telling me to quieten my voice and go more inwards. It wasn't working. As before, she examined me and our baby was stuck. Head facing sideways. Unable to push her way out.

Our hopes of a natural birth were not to be, but I made the decision to go to c-section with clarity and a knowledge that this was possibly the only way to get her out safely. Knowing she'd probably swallowed some meconium also turned my desires for natural birth to a desire to just get her out safely.

While it wasn't what I'd hoped, it was still precious. I'm glad I had the chance to labour. I'm glad I had the chance to push. I'm glad I had the awareness to ask people's names, where they were from, who they were - this multitude of people helping bring my baby closer to meeting to me. I'm glad I had two people there for me throughout the labour to hold my hand, give me water, provide succour. The whole experience was healing.

I can confidently and with great respect for the process of labour and birth, say that I have been healed - in many ways and of many darknessness, of which I am not yet fully aware, but that I can feel in the depths of my soul.

I have been strengthened. I have been empowered. I have been granted a gift. I have been completed. 

Waiting for baby

Last one at 37+1, now already 40+4, though if my original dates are to be believed, today is due day.

Despite a good night sleep, I'm feeling teary today. All I want is to rest on my own in a quiet room, with ear plugs in, and listen to meditation music, my mind totally focused inwards. Surely a good sign of things progressing.

Last few weeks, I've had lots of signs. a very different labour to last time, which happened text book style and over a period of two days, sudden to my mind, though ended in emergency csection... Maybe he wasn't quite ready to be born after all.

This one's taking her time, making sure she and I are both fully ready.

Bedtime chatting

Apparently when I breathe out, my breath is hot. He's noticed.

Tonight, I got:

"Mama, mama, stop breathing!"
"No, I won't stop breathing. If I stop breathing, I'll die and then I won't be here anymore."

*silence*  "Hmm. Okay."

Not sure if that was permission to breathe or not...

Love part 2

And the rest...

Love

I like this excerpt about three stages in a relationship. It resonates with how my toddler is, sometimes wanting to be close, so close I literally cannot get anything done, other times asking me to go away, and I try to respect each stage.

It also reminds me of a poem we chose for our wedding, about how love is like waves lapping against an island. There is always change, sometimes we come close, other times we move further away. Resisting this, is not helpful. Respecting this, creates trust and strengthens the bond.

I find it helpful to focus on the impermanence and transience of life, in order to understand the permanent elements that can be relied upon. In an odd way, transience has always given me security.

Excerpt from The Art of Happiness, by the Dalai Lama and Howard Cutler.

Today's completed meditation

Today I want to swim, run, fly and be free! Thinking of my sister enjoying her all day meditation and preparing to go for a lovely walk in the sunshine.

One of those days

Doula can't doula (broke her ankle), toddler's thumb popped out (after dislocating his elbow yesterday), now I find him drawing on the living room furniture in his own blood (tiny cut on his finger that seems to have an endless blood supply).

Hoping this is the universe getting all the challenging things out of the way before (a) my birthday this weekend and (b) labour, which I am anticipating any time from next week.

Beautiful things

The thing that touched my heart today.

I love you!

A momentous day yesterday.

We were singing the wheels on the bus and had got to the verse about the mummies on the bus. My little 2 years, 3 month old son immediately put his fingers to his lips and said "shhh" (the mummies on the bus go shh, shh, shh). I said, "No, this mummy says I love you".

He smiled at me, said "I love you" and then climbed on top of me for a huge body hug.

It's been tough, now 35 weeks pregnant, with a relative non sleeper who is extremely bright and lively and likes to jump up and down on my belly (though he does also kiss it and give baby sister cars and toys to play with), but it is moments like this that make everything worth everything as my heart just melts into a big pool of squishiness.

And he finally has all his teeth and has just decided to sleep all night in his own room...well, until 3am, which feels like all night. Milestones of a toddler...

Happy mama.