Here today, gone tomorrow

I haven't written for ages and I think this is because I feel a bit as if I am floating, waiting for the next step. I think it's also because I am writing a lot anyway, my book. This blog is more of an outlet for when I can't write. I'm feeling a bit philosophical too and I tend to get introverted when I am in contemplation.

I've felt philosophical quite a lot of late. Not sure if it's all the change in my life, all the endings. The last day of college is this Monday - still got some things to tie up, but essentially this is it. Three years of training spread over seven years. Seven years ago I was living a totally different life with friends in London, some of whom are no longer in my life, in a houseshare in Hackney with a garden with vegetables, grown by my sister. We were all different people then. At least, I was a different person. Those who are still in my life have also changed as their lives swirl around them in planned and unplanned ways, moulding them as the wind shapes the rocks it blows over. I don't think we could ever have predicted many of those changes...at least, not seven years ago. Those that aren't in my life anymore have also no doubt changed; I just don't know how, because I don't see their changes.

Some people who were in my life then are gone forever, not just gone out of my life; but in an odd way, as I write this, I realise that those who are gone forever from my life, through death, are actually more present to me than those friends who just took different paths to mine. The people I loved who have died are still with me, in my heart and in my intentions. I have no idea who will remain until the end, out of those that are currently in my life. I used to think I could predict that, but I now know that I can't. It's a funny old world.

The sky outside my window is deep pink and smokey grey, almost purple, shot through with vivid bolts of orange. The day is coming to a close. I think it may be almost time for bed. I'll fall asleep in today and wake up again in tomorrow. It's a funny old world.