The monster: message for men

Guys, imagine, if you will, a tiny little monster who is very strong, who has his sharp little teeth firmly clamped on your whatsits. For the fun of it, this little monster will endeavour to do some twists, turns, somersaults and jumps (while still clamped on). He will do this for maybe half an hour at a time and when the pain finally subsides, he bites again and has a good old acrobatic session again. This usually last a good few hours, sometimes a whole day, and you know he'll be back every month.

Somehow, this little monster seems to eat into your brain at the same time, taking control of your mouth so it feels full of marbles and you can't quite talk, and scrambling the messages coming into your brain so you have no idea what anyone is trying to tell you. Additionally, he'll have done something to your kinesthetic sensors and you'll start dropping things and walking into things, thus causing more pain through bruises and bumps.

You'll also randomly, though not really very surprisingly, feel like everyone is attacking you and you'll get very grumpy and sensitive.

This is what happens to women every month.

Warning signs: two or more of the following - frequent and baffling tears, grumpiness (more so than usual), a sense that you are sleeping next to a radiator, higher hit rate than usual for breakages, seeing more bruises than normal on your beloved, complaints of lower back pain/tummy pain/boob pain/headaches/migraine, heightened sensory sensitivity including complaints that you're smellier/scratchier etc than usual, seemingly irrational criticism (in higher quantities than normal), greater demand for hugs and attention than normal, greater unhappiness with everything.

Advice: be very gentle, kind and sensitive. Admit that everything is your fault (though you may have the opportunity to retract this the following day if you have a fairly reasonable girlfriend/wife). Be extra helpful and offer to do anything at all (former advice applies here too). Hot hands on belly is good. Massage is great if your beautiful-one gets backache or headache or any other associated ache. Feeding us and making cups of tea is good. Doing the washing up voluntarily is good (not just promising to do it). Having absolutely no expectations on us to do anything at all is also good. Recognising that we have effectively been possessed by a monster (but absolutely not voicing this) and not blaming us or shouting at us during this time is also essential. Also be aware that the sense of smell may be heightened, so take a little extra time washing. Finally, be aware that all of the above may go totally unappreciated, but if you don't do it, the monster may be personified in your beloved and attack you.