Marriage and commitment

It’s a funny old thing, marriage. I have always been ambivalent about it, on the side of anti-marriage if I'm honest, primarily because I have seen it trap otherwise happy people into something that makes them unhappy. I have also always felt that commitment is in my heart, not on a piece of paper, despite the laws in this country that make marriage a safer union legally than other unions. Don’t get me wrong, the ambivalence is not about commitment for me, it’s about the institution, or so I told myself.

In the lead up to my wedding, I felt nothing but anxiety and stress. Little excitement glimmered through the fog for me. In between the complex layers of planning, I began to lose sight of my man and I started to panic, forgetting the whole reason for getting married, and I needed to keep looking him in the eyes, to remember who he was and why I was marrying him. All this stuff you are required to do in order to have, what was in my eyes, a traditional wedding, takes so much away from the whole point of getting married, which is to be with someone you love and to tell the world how you feel.

I thought that the ambivalence would continue to my wedding day, but, unexpectedly, the day of my wedding, and especially as we spoke the vows to one another, I felt happy. Unambiguously and unambivalently happy. I also felt a mild surprise to suddenly know in my heart the full extent of his love and commitment to me and I realise that this brings me closer to the truth of my ambivalence: I had never seen a marriage with the kind of commitment I wanted and so I didn't believe it was possible for another to give me what I wanted and needed. This being the case, why would I want to commit my life to someone forever? I know it's not necessarily about being married, legally, or I believe it isn't that, for me. For me, it's about a public declaration of commitment, in whatever manner it might have happened.

In the last week and a half, I have felt an odd sense of safety and security that I have never known in my life, not even as a child. It’s a sense that someone really does have my back and really truly does love me. I didn’t know this feeling existed, never mind that I was missing it.

So yes, I admit, I am happy. Though one would hope this would be the case only a week and a half into a lifelong commitment!