Mixed feelings about my wedding

I dreamed of my aunt last night. I was lying in bed and I could hear her laughter and her voice floating up from the ground floor. As I slowly rose into consciousness I realised it was just a dream and I remembered that she was gone.

I am acutely aware that my wedding day is the first anniversary of her death and so I have very mixed feelings about this week. Amidst the usual wedding stress I have been experiencing little flashes of excitement, but also tears. I keep remembering the day she died, as I cycled home from work looking down on the lights of Reading. I had a phone message from my Mama telling me to call and I knew in my heart that she had died.

Now, as I sit here typing, I am full of grief and I wish so much that I could hear her voice again, catch her contagious laughter and listen to her dry Croatian humour. I wish she was still here, because I know how happy she would have been and how much she would have liked my man, had she ever had a chance to get to know him. The only thing that consoles me is that before she went I told her that he was the one for me and she smiled and told me this was good.

Thinking of her always.