The grey areas

I watched a video that intrigued me. It's about defining who is and who is not mad. It's about how once people know you're mad, they want to keep you in that box. Everything you do, they define as part of your madness. People don't like grey areas. Grey scares people - it is neither one nor the other.

It reminds me very much of the book I've been writing for two years. Where do you draw the line between what is madness and what is socially acceptable? Who draws this line and who judges who has crossed that line? How do you get back once you have crossed that line and how do you re-evaluate and rebuild your own identity?

The TED video gave me much to think about. Click here to see it.

Grr, bark, woof!

And I liked this too, which I found as part of Seth Godin's talk on broken things.

I think I like those Canadians... :-)

Cycling

A friend posted this, but I don't know the source or origin. It made me smile because it is so very true. :-)

I'm well 'ard

Well I did it! I managed the 'easy' ride in Ruthin - 29km riding with over 1km climbing. It was difficult and I had to walk in some places - mainly uphill, but one short downhill too which was mainly grass and bracken underfoot, with brambles to my right and gorse to my left. I didn't feel too bad when I got back, but there were times my morale dipped on the way!

It took me three hours, 17 mins and 44 seconds. My lovely man did the easy ride with me and stayed mainly by my side or behind me to encourage me and occasionally share delight at the amazing views. He didn't join in, however, when I baa-ed at the sheep or quacked at the ducks.

The start of the route was in Ruthin and we climbed up the long road to the highest carpark near Moel Famau. I was properly impressed with myself having never thought I'd be able to do what I saw others do!

It constantly amazes me what I am capable of when I try things I think I cannot do. I think it's physical achievements more than others that really push my boundaries, because my down points, I always see, are all psychological.

Of course most people there would have beat me, but the fact that I did it makes me beam...in a slightly tired and achey way.

Taking risks

I made up a delicious new meal today. Tried it out on myself, and found it yummy, and have now made it for my man. We shall see if he likes it!

It is chicken breast, skinless, smothered in mango chutney and covered in sliced shallots, wrapped up in a silver foil and baked for 20 minutes. Served with rice. Surprisingly delicious.

You may wonder what my inspiration was. Simple. Contents of fridge and cupboard. Life offers surprising opportunities. All we have to do is to take those opportunities. If you take a risk once in a while, you never know what delights may come your way.

I did not die

A beloved friend of mine posted this recently following a loss. It brought tears to my eyes because of its truth and so I wanted to share it with you.


Do not stand at my grave and weep;
I am not there.
I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn's rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there.
I did not die.

Mary Elizabeth Frye

It's not so bad...

It's not so bad being home after all. Me today, working from 'home'. The sun was as hot as in Zagreb, the music as civilised as the cafe I was in near Kamenita Vrata and the culinary options infinitely improved.

 

And my view today. Almost as nice as Zagreb...

I was in Pau Brasil, Reading, a fabulously delightful little cafe that offers the perfect place to work, with wide open shutters letting in the sunshine.



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Utterly unimportant yet happy making

It would appear that swimming between 200m and 800m every day and hiking up and down small hills for half an hour a day tones one up. And it was fun. And I ate very tasty food and lots of it.

Anyway, in among all the fun exercise and eating, I appear to have to left 2.5kg somewhere between here and Croatia. Wasn't trying to lose it, but can't say I'm overly sad about it either.

I must find more fun physical activities to engage in on a more regular basis. Happy me.

Another small thing that made my day was coming home to a lovely clean flat. I obviously married the right man. Even happier me.

Tugomila Kosorčić, nee Podhraški

I've just come home from the cemetery, which is a beautiful large place, full of trees and peace.

We visited my aunt - the first time I've been - and it hit me harder than I expected, seeing her name in gold lettering on the black stone headstone. I was caught in my heart by something quite painful and sharp that brought tears to my eyes and made me feel as if the bottom of my heart had opened up into some deeper cavern full of emotions that usually remain hidden.

We sat a while in silence and I rested my hands at the foot of her stone slab, stroking it with my fingers as if it were her arm, like I did the last time I saw her. I had a flash in my mind of climbing into the grave and curling up on her lap, as I used to as a child, snuggling into her cuddly body. Part of me really wished that I could, only I know that the body that lies there now is no longer cuddly in the same way and it doesn't hold the person I loved anymore.

It was good to know where she lies now and to see the trees around her and to hear the birds singing. It's a nice final resting place.

As time passed, the tears stopped flowing and the sadness began to lift, replaced only with peace and a certain clarity about what I need to do in life. I now feel shattered. I hadn't realised it would take so much out of me. I suppose opening the cavern full of emotions takes a lot of effort and perhaps closing the door on that cavern is difficult too. I also suppose, or perhaps I know, that this was important for me.

It's all part of the process and it's a process many of us don't like to return to, but death is not going to stop happening and as we get older, it will become ever more frequent. Better to start coping with it properly now than to wait until that cavern is so full that it becomes impossible to enter. As well as the sadness, the cavern is full of photos and videos, memories of what has been. These are all valuable gifts that can teach us about how to be happier in our own lives. It's all part of the process.

Working from 'home'

I've been working from 'home' today, in Zagreb, and it is absolutely delicious. How I long to live here a while!

This is me, working.

I look a little rough and somehow sad, but I wasn't at all. I was very happy, albeit slightly hot and sweaty. Instead of little white parasols, they have now planted vines that grow up the trellis and I was sitting in the half shade of this, listening to the silence of those praying at Kamenita Vrata and the talks of the tour guides taking tourists around Zagreb.

This was my view as I worked. Heavenly. With loose leaf Earl Grey in a rather annoying but delightfully British cup.

 This is where I was.


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En route

I wrote this last night while en route from the island to Zagreb. 

"So today was my last day in Veli Lošinj. We went swimming early, straight after breakfast without even clearing up first – such a treat. At Rovenska we went straight into the cool crystal clear waters, and we swam and played catch with the lovely manky old tennis ball we’ve been playing with for years. This time Mama managed to hit me in the head once and then right in my left ear, making it ring temporarily. “Child abuse” I screeched, but really I couldn’t complain having hit her in the face a few days previously and awarding her with a fat lip.

This year, leaving my Mama has made me so sad. I couldn’t keep my tears back and I feel a huge lump in my throat. It always affected me like this as a child – with delight I always arrived and when we left I felt bereft and somehow orphaned.

It’s hard being a child of two cultures, constantly torn between the two. Or perhaps, rather than being torn between two cultures, it’s being torn from those I love that makes me sad.

I feel sad thinking of her alone in the little flat now, though I know she will enjoy the peace and quiet, as well as occasionally perhaps feeling a little lonely. I find it hard to bear thinking of anyone I love being unhappy. I wish she were coming with me on this seven hour coach journey to Zagreb. Or I wish she would be there already, waiting for me, having made my bed and, perhaps, prepared some chicken soup for my arrival, but I know that the Zagreb flat will be empty and, for the first time in two weeks, I’ll be sleeping in a room on my own.

I don’t think it’s possible to have the happiness without the corresponding sadness and I suppose that the level of my sadness this year is a sign of how much I have loved being on the island with my Mama.

I have a day of work and two nights sleep in Zagreb, before I catch a flight back to my new husband, who, it must be acknowledged, I have missed."

I woke this morning feeling no less sorry for myself, but to wake on the first day to have breakfast alone after two weeks of breakfasting with someone is just quite odd. Plus which the vile builders under the window woke me by their arguing and shouting: not a nice way to wake up.

Anyway, just got some messages from my Mama which was lovely, and no doubt after a nice cup of tea everything will become rosier. It always does. As I look out of the window, the sun is finally shining through the clouds.

And again

This time she beat me by three points. So close, yet still so far. :-(

At least the sun shines on my last day and I have no less than three cups of tea waiting for me to drink - having made my own, then Mama made me one, then, upon seeing one without milk next to the kettle (but with a carton of soya milk next to it) I asked Mama if she'd made me one, to which she said yes and so I added the soya milk...to her tea. (blush)

So it is that on my last day I have three cups of tea for breakfast. Must eat quickly my delicious meal of polenta with ham, so we can head to the beach for my last Adriatic swim of the year.

Penultimate day in Veli Losinj

We woke to a warm morning and sat outside for breakfast, watching the lizards play and scurry in the half sunshine, trying to catch ants and the odd butterfly foolish enough to swoop down so low to the ground.

At lunchtime, we made our way down to Rovenska harbour to enjoy a light meal of calamari, blitva, French fries and salad. We watched shoals of fish jump out of the sea, like a smattering of gentle rain, as children threw pieces of bread into the waters next to our seats; and a somnolence settled around us as if a heavy blanket made of the finest strands of sunlight was resting upon our shoulders. I began to feel quite dozy, wanting nothing more than to snooze for a while on the pebbled beach, listening to the water lapping nearby.

As we paid the bill, all ready for a few hours at the beach, the grumbling thunder began to make itself heard, as if reproaching us for our laziness. Mama went home, anxious about the storm, while I went on and swam a fresh and invigorating 200m or so, in the calm clear seas, marked only by ever increasing circles as the droplets of rain gently began to fall.

I am home again now, my mind alert yet peaceful, as I listen to the gentle rain fall outside, hitting the leaves of the oleander and mandarin trees, and perhaps also some roofs made of tin or wood. It has been a good penultimate day on the island.

New yoga class

This post is to raise awareness of a fantastic new yoga class run by my delightful sister. You can find out more information by clicking here.

The class is on Tuesdays in central London from 6.30pm to 8pm. Last week's sequence was to increase courage and to open the heart and the sequence for the second class is to increase stamina and creativity. Each week, the class focuses on different areas of development and you will find that she provides a very powerful and strengthening form of yoga. Even if she wasn't my sister, I'd definitely be sharing news about her classes. She's seriously the best yoga teacher I've ever had the pleasure of studying/working with.

You can find out more about her training, experience and teachings on her website, by clicking here. There are also some photos that show you what you too could achieve by attending her classes!