Proud of myself

I did something today that I have never done before. I turned down work.

I took my first proper break over the Xmas period for over a year - a whole one and a half weeks of not even checking my work account. I've found it hard to turn off properly in the last year or two because I'm freelance and no longer get paid to take holidays - so I've felt guilty for taking time off and being 'lazy'. I thought I was fine with this. This last week and a half, even though I was vomiting and being generally 'runny' for about four days (losing about 2kg in the process), as well as managing some stressful relationships, I have felt amazing. It's been an eye opener. My skin glows and my eyes sparkle again.

When I was in employment I often used to say that I needed a holiday once every three months and I realise that I still need this - but I've been denying my need. I now see that I can't deny this need, because it's as important to me as food, water and writing. I may not be able to afford to trot off to South America or Asia, but I can and must afford to take time out - and really take time out.

Today, bearing in my mind my re-found inner peace and imperturbable delight in life, I thought carefully about an offer of work that I knew would turn me into the miserable stress-bunny I was for the whole of last summer. My sensible and wise inner child said "I don't want to be like that again" and this time I listened to her, and I replied to the offerer of work and I said "No thank you."

I feel free and liberated. I  realise that by saying "No" to stuff that makes me miserable, I leave more room for stuff that makes me happy. I'm currently feeling very proud of myself. This year will be my year of clarity and of being firm.