Today's achievements

Today we woke early and had a peaceful breakfast together. The boy fell asleep at a sensible time for his early morning nap and we drove to a friend's house for a lovely pilates session. I drove down a tiny country lane and wasn't scared.

We left for the hospital for my arthritis check up and I accidentally drove a route using a motorway. I wasn't scared. Admittedly I was only on it for one small stretch between two junctions and I was stuck behind a slow moving vehicle recovery truck, but we were still doing 60 mph and I wasn't scared. I am no longer a motorway virgin!

Instead of rushing, we took it slowly at the hospital. I no longer get scary flashbacks of his birth, but find it a peaceful place to be. We walked slowly and we rested. I bought lunch at the cafe while I waited for my prescription and I fed him on a chair in the corridor when he got hungry - a nice quiet side corridor. He looked around with interest and smiled and charmed all the nurses and old ladies, who all told me I have an exceptionally beautiful baby.

It was nice to relax and not rush. It was nice to take it at our own pace. So many times I've found it stressful going out and about and it's because I try and fit things in, I try too hard to make things work, to find control. Slowing down makes everything enjoyable - slowing down and relinquishing control - whether it's using a new road, a motorway, a scary roundabout or just going for medical appointments. Everything can become enjoyable.

Baby boy kindly fell asleep on the way home, though he had a long period of crying before he did so, but for some reason it didn't stress me out. I knew he was fed, his nappy couldn't have been too wet as it had been changed an hour beforehand and he had burped. I knew his tears were of frustrated tiredness and that sleep would solve all his woes.

Incidentally, the steroids seem to have solved the problem of the arthritis for now and the consultant told me it is very common post-pregnancy and no-one seems to know why...and there is no evidence for food being a trigger...but that there is no evidence because there is no research and that I ought to do whatever I find suits me best. Ridiculous advice. Anyway, I'm on steroids for another few weeks, but a loser dose each week.

It is bliss to no longer be in pain - no physical pain in my hands and no mental pain of stress or anxiety. The house is peaceful save for the sound of my son snoring, the rain pattering on the windowpanes and the click-clacking of my fingers on the keys of my laptop.

Bliss is freedom from pain.