Contemplations on sanity

It's a fine line between sanity and madness.

I now realise it was a mistake to take on ten 'keep in touch' days with a four-month old child. He has been well looked after by myself, my mother and his father, the work has gone well, the house has been kept clean and tidy. Everything has been well managed. Everything, that is, except my own mind. Some days I have felt totally overwhelmed and miserable, angry with myself and everyone else. I have been horrible and grumpy. I have been drowning in my own tears. I have felt as if I was in a black hole ten million miles beneath the earth. I have also been taking steroids for the arthritis and don't know if these have also been affecting my mind.

I see myself as someone who can cope with anything and everything, but I now see that this isn't true. I am not superwoman. I am not perfect. I am not the best version of myself that I could be. This imperfection isn't because I can't do everything and be happy; it's because I struggle to accept that I can't do everything and be happy. I struggle to accept anything less than superwoman of myself.

These last few weeks are teaching me to let go of control (as did my pregnancy and all the time since my son was born). These last few weeks are teaching me to allow someone else to cook dinner for me, to allow someone else to clean the kitchen their way not mine, to allow someone to cuddle my son when he cries, to allow someone else to be awake when my son needs someone to be awake, to not always put myself in the position of 'the person who has to do something'. I am learning to appreciate what people can do for me (and what they make so much effort to do), rather than focusing on what they don't do from all the things I write out in little lists.

These last few weeks have also taught me that I need to be stricter with myself and kinder to others - that is, to allow others to help me rather than trying to do it all myself, in the process turning into a crazy and adrenaline-fuelled whirlwind that pushes everyone else away. I am learning to let others support me. I am learning to let others be better than me. I don't know where this need to always be the best has come from, but it no longer serves me. I don't always need to be the best. I can't. And - something I have only just realised - in my striving to always be best, I become miserable, moody and far less than the person I ever want or wish to be.

Last week I started a new routine of activity with my son in the mornings, followed by 'me' time - at the moment, for working, but once this is done, it will be for me to do other stuff, followed by a walk outside if my son cannot sleep or needs a break from the house. Right now, I am sitting outside in the sunshine, working on my laptop, while my man cleans the house and looks after our son and I find that balance has been restored to my mind.

The time came for a sanity check and I only just scraped a pass. The time has come for a radical shift in how I see myself and my place in my world. The time has come for me to learn flexibility of self-perception and role. The time has come to be kinder to myself and to others.