Clarifying my reality as a mother

Following a conversation with a friend recently, I've been pondering the issue of me blogging and posting my experiences online. It seems that (at least to her), I give the impression of my approach to parenting being exhausting and unsustainable. That I'm really struggling. At least, that was my take on her comments to me. And to clarify, the key elements, for me, of this approach, is on demand exclusive breastfeeding (for now, weaning also being baby led), co-sleeping and babywearing (as much as possible). It is also hearing my child's cry as a way of him trying (sometimes desperately) to tell me something and hearing it as a sound that should be responded to as if an adult were trying to tell me something (i.e. that I respond to immediately).

I had no idea I might come across as someone struggling in the depths and starting to drown. I have plenty of float left in me, rest assured! I still have no idea if this is a common perception from my posts. It is not my intention. I don't want pity - I don't need it. I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me - yes, it was my choice to have a child, yes, it was my choice to take the approach we have taken (in some ways maybe harder than other approaches in the early years, though I am hoping it pays off in the long run!), but no, it wasn't my choice to have a child who is very demanding - he is wonderful, adorable, delightful, a beautiful soul, and I wouldn't change him for the world, but he is demanding and exhausting, wanting constant attention. Without yet speaking, he is as a child (as I was) that asks questions incessantly, without pausing to think, sometimes without pausing to hear the answer, somehow multitasking in hearing the response while thinking up and asking the next question. He gets bored easily and is intensely interested in the world around him - how it works, how to disassemble it. This is partly why I feel our chosen parenting approach works best for him - it calms him and makes him feel happy and secure and attended to.

Many things in life have, at times, felt unsustainable to me. Parenting is one of them. Some of them I could walk away from. Others I couldn't or chose not to. This is one I will never walk away from (except the occasional ten minutes to calm down or take a deep breath). A million times a day I question whether I am good enough, whether I can be the mother he needs, whether I take the best approach with my child to give him the best chance in life of being who he wants to be - not because I am necessarily unsure (though sometimes I am), but because everything in life needs attention and adjustment from time to time; a million times a day I also know I am the best mother he could have, I rejoice in his achievements and I laugh just because he is smiling or reaching up to me or snuggling or climbing over me with his spiky little fists and toes digging into my ribs.

If I give the impression I am struggling, maybe I am, or maybe I just need to share and hope for sympathy or support or empathy from others, especially from mothers who take the same approach to parenting as I do. What I don't want is anyone to assume I would do things differently. I have no desire to change how those around me parent and I am happy for them that their approach works with their child and for their family, but I don't want to be converted to their way of thinking or doing or being. I am not interested in parenting in someone else's style. This is my style. I can't do it any differently. What we do, works best for us. I am a fairly melodramatic person - at least, that is how the unkind might describe me. I describe myself as someone who feels intensely - the ups and downs are far apart. My approach to everything is deeply thought through and I am passionate about how I approach things - especially something as important as parenting. So please, don't get me wrong. Yes, I struggle (doesn't everyone?), but I am not drowning and I wouldn't change my life for anything. I am not always happy - this is not possible - but I am as happy as I wish to be with what I have. This, in my mind, is amazing.

Thanks for listening. :-)