Cwmcarn

Fabulous cycle ride in South Wales, which was a first for me and somewhat scary.

It was a real mental journey as well as a physical one, reminding me of the first few times I went snowboarding where I sat in the snow and cried because I couldn't stand up and move, and when I did I just fell over, on top of which I was exhausted from the physical exertion. This time, thankfully, my bottom didn't make contact with the ground because that would have been painful! It was a tough decision about the height of the saddle to start with, because the right distance from the peddles (to the saddle) meant I couldn't quite touch the ground; and with my toes on the ground it was much harder peddling. Anyway, I settled for easier peddling, assuming I would spend more time with my feet on the peddles than off the peddles (happily correct). It did mean a couple of painful moments with the crossbar (this being my lovely man's bike and not designed for ladies), but I quickly learned to change the way I conducted urgent dismounts.

It was so hard at the start that I began to demoralised myself, telling myself that I wasn't good enough, that I couldn't do it. The constant effort of going up and up, steeply, over big roots and slippery rocks, knowing that I wasn't even half way up. I began to get cross with my defeatest attitude and felt sorry for my patient man having to put up with me. I named that voice 'the evil badger' and spent the rest of the ride trying to banish the badger...and I did. I kept telling myself that not only could I do it, but that I was already doing it.

It's the same with anything in life. You can sit there and feel sorry for yourself, saying it's too hard, or you can't do it; or you can just stop whinging. You then realise that not only are you capable, but that you're so capable that you're already doing it. The only way to not do it, would be to die and few of us really want to take that route. It's a bit too final for most of us.

Anyway, the odd whinge is fine, I reckon, because you let off steam, and you let that little badger speak before he builds up his voice into an overwhelming bellow. But generally I think you have force yourself to cultivate the positive voice, the positive you: "You can do it", "You're already doing it", "You're doing great". That kind of thing - it sounds cheesy, but it got me to the top!

The view was heavenly and the sense of achievement was fantastic - knowing I could only see this view through having cycled it. Of course, downhill was in many ways as hard as uphill, but I was rewarded two more times. Once on the way down, going as fast as I could, I almost forgot I was cycling and it felt like I was flying. My attention was entirely and deeply focused on the narrow track in front of me, not a micro-second anywhere else. It was the best meditation. The second reward was arriving back at the car park. Warmth, chocolate and rest. And of course, all the "Well done's" from my kind and supportive man-person.