Thursday 30 June 2011

Ja ne prodajem zjake - mark 2

A memory of how hilariously funny my aunt was (and my mother still is): Ja ne prodajem zjake - a post from 2010 when I spent a month with them both, going for walks and sitting in cafes, drinking tea and eating cake.

In loving memory of my Teta Tugica.

Wednesday 29 June 2011

Love never dies

I was going to say "I loved her", but it's not past tense. I still love her even though she's gone. A deeply loving, warm, intelligent, hilarious, strong woman. I'm enormously proud to have been born into her family, to have had blood ties with her. Words really can't do any justice to how I feel about her. The only way you would know how I feel is to look into my eyes.

The last time I saw her, I went to accept that she was dying, but I couldn't because she still had life in her. I can still feel her, even though she's gone and so I know that she's not really gone - she's just around the corner, playing in the sunshine.

Happy sad

It's wonderful and happy-making to get visits from people I love, but I always feel a little bit empty when they're gone, like they've taken a part of me with them. I'd rather focus on the bit of them that they left behind with me, like the chocolate stuck to the sofa or the bits of cheese on the carpet. Those things make me happier, for many, many reasons!

Wednesday 22 June 2011

Longing

I came across this link (Losinj) and I am hit with a deep longing to be there. My heart fills with the beauty and peace, the special energy of this beautiful island. Roll on August!!!

Summer solstice

Well yesterday was midsummer's day, on which I always feel a tinge of sadness, because I know the days are getting shorter again. My consolation is that they are also hopefully getting warmer.

Here, last night, at 11pm, I was surprised to see so much, to have so much light. This was my first summer solstice outside of London for about 11 years and the beauty was hidden from me there, perhaps the difference masked by the light pollution, or maybe masked by the city's pollution of my emotions. I found the sky last night to be strange and slightly surreal. A shade of blue/green/yellow - a colour I couldn't identify; I only know it was beautiful.

To be able to see so much so late in the evening was lovely. To be able to see so much is lovely.

Saturday 18 June 2011

Being creative

I thought I'd relax by making fairy cakes (dairy free, but sadly not gluten free). Being creative. Thank you to my very lucky man for his excellent stirring technique.

Friday 17 June 2011

Toronto and the old man

I had a dream last night that had a very clear and real quality to it. I dreamed I was playing in the park, on the slides and swings, but still as an adult. An old man was watching me. He was tall, slightly balding, with a beard and maybe a moustache, but trimmed so short it seemed more like face art than hair. All his hair was a very clean and consistent grey. His face was long and wrinkled and his eyes sparkled as if connected to some source of inner light.

He took a shine to me, this old man did, and we ended up chatting. He took me to his home and made me some tea and we talked and talked. His home was a mish-mash of random pieces of old furniture, falling apart, disordered and chaotic - like his mind, some valuable gems hidden among the old rickety mess that was all I saw at first glance. He told me he'd been very influential in his life, a film director or some such thing and that he'd loved it. He'd been lucky to do something he loved and to be good at it, he knew this. He showed me old photos of the life he had had. Eventually I decided I needed to leave, so I could find my brother.

As his parting words, he told me that whatever I want to do in life, I can. Whatever I choose to do, I will do. He said that if I'm struggling (and here I thought he was going to offer me help), that I must have faith in myself and know that everything I need, I already have. I just have to keep trying and all will become clear. I have to trust myself.

He suggested I get a cab to my brother's as it would only take 20 minutes. We hugged and I said goodbye, thinking that I would see him or speak to him soon, but as I left and he left I remembered I'd not taken his email address.

On my way to find a cab, the quality of the dream changed to something more dream-like, less controlled, more volatile and unpredictable, slightly anxious. It ended with me jumping into a horse and cart to go to my brother's house in Toronto (paucity of cabs, it would seem). I awoke, very disappointed I'd not seen my brother, until I remembered the man and his words. Big brother in Toronto will have to wait a little longer, I guess. I miss him.

Tuesday 14 June 2011

Storms in Norway...

Middle big brother and Godfather Number Two, your storm shelter has arrived. Might be of more use in Norway than here, right now. Please see to follow a photograph of the item as demonstrated by our good selves. :-)

PS It doubles up as a very good den.

Truth and honesty

She writes beautifully. Something she wrote, that I read today, shot an arrow into my heart. She has captured exactly the words I wish I could have said to so many people in my past and I wish I would be able to say to people in my future. Dishonesty causes me much pain, whether it is intentional or not. You feel the truth, even if the other doesn't know the truth themselves.

You can link to 'Message unspoken' here.

Tuesday 7 June 2011

Assessment

Well, my assessment weekend is approaching. I've just written my self-assessment and my peers' assessments and it took me ages, but at least it's done. After this weekend, all that is left in terms of assessment is a case study (which I am sure will cause me some anxiety come autumn when I have to write it) and my supervision report (which I hope will be fine).

Time's a funny thing. It's almost like I see time with two perspectives concurrently - it seems to go so quickly, gone in the blink of an eye, and at the same time, especially if I focus on appreciating each moment, it seems eternal. As I write this I feel a bit foolish, because that was a bit obvious. Each moment does go with the blink of an eye and time is eternal...as far as I know. Maybe the word 'time' just covers too many meanings.

Regardless, it seems like it was yesterday when I started this training (over seven years ago) and at the same time it feels like a lifetime ago. I've learned so much about myself (and others) and the quality of my life and relationships has deepened. I know me more. I know people more. It makes me insanely happy. I'm glad I spent over £10K on training, because it will last me a lifetime. I can honestly say it was money well spent, even if I never earn a penny of it back. I can also very honestly say that I'm glad it's almost over!!

Sunday 5 June 2011

Retrieving my soul

My day felt thoroughly non useful, until I bought a trowel and retrieved soil from the garage. I planted a beautiful flower thing that I was given (along with all the other women) at the wedding of a good friend of mine. That's the one on the right. The lavender I bought today (on the left). I feel as if I have achieved something today. It has become useful. I have become useful.

As an aside, as I wrote 'retrieved soil from the garage', I accidentally first wrote a typo - soul, instead of soil. Perhaps I need to retrieve my soul today too, as I've been feeling a bit soul-less. Having said that, I feel as if I've started retrieving my soul already through planting and being near the earth.

Thursday 2 June 2011

Moving closer to the goal

I've just had it confirmed that I can take on two more clients and I'm very excited!! It brings me slightly closer to my goal of qualifying by end of February, but I just hope that all my clients are adults, otherwise I may be forced to practice patience for another year before I qualify.

I do believe in the power of hoping for the best possible outcome and also in life giving you the lessons you most need to learn. It's up to me how I take the opportunities and whether I grow through them or allow them to stunt my growth.

It means less time for paid work (with college commitments on Mondays, Wednesdays and Thursdays now), but at least it moves me closer to one goal, even though it may feel like it's taking me further from another. Why does it feel as if house buying and qualifying are somehow mutually exclusive...? I guess I need to go back to practicing patience and trusting that the best outcome is on its way to being achieved.