Bye bye fat pants

If you lose your mug of tea around the house on a regular basis, simply tie the next one to your wrist with a bit of string. That will guarantee you don't lose it.

Bored of doing what you're doing? Do something else. I am doing this. It's working a treat.

Can't sleep at night, but fall asleep in the daytime? Go to a different timezone and your night will become day and your day will become night, thus solving the problem. Alternatively quit your job and take one that allows night shifts.

Hungry all the time and worrying you're getting fat? Go to South America and eat lots of salad in every cafe you come across. This will most likely give you some kind of parasite and then you can eat as much of everything as you want. None of it will stay in your body.

Incidentally, I saw a lovely sign on the back of a bus today: "Bye bye fat pants." I think it was advertising a gym or something similar.

Someone entertain me. Please.